Unavoidable feelings

I really miss that someone a lot...

It has been a month..

It has been a month since I last wrote in my blog. Too occupied with work and life but honestly, more tight up with strings of bookfairs. And of coz I am very exhausted with my so called life.

A week ago, I was very annoyed with my surroundings. I feel as though I just want to leave this place and never looked back but then I received a very bad news which has shocked the whole family and also it opens my mind indefinitely. My dearest cousin brother was diagnosed of Liver cancer and only has 4 weeks to live. This news was very devastating to be heard by all of us because he does not looked sick at all. No signs of him inherit of that hereditary disease but yet ALLAH loves him more.

I went and visit him few days ago. His eyes and whole body has turn yellowish. His teeth was bleeding non stop. I could not help it but wonder, he is a surgeon, how can this be happening? Why is it that he did not realised the symptoms all this time? Well, the only answer that I had for my questions...its all in Allah's hand. HE can simply gave you anything, at whatever time and whenever HE wants. I could not help it but to cry when I received the sms about him a week ago. He patted my head when I talked to him the other day. He told me, "at least I was given the time limit to prepare myself to meet HIM". True but it was not easy to accept even for himself.
Yes..at least he was given the time limit. What about us who does not know when our time is up? What if my time is up tomorrow? The sudden fear creeps into me.

Then yesterday he texted me reminding of the song by Opick.."Bila Waktu Terhenti"..again I cried and it was definitely a wake up call for me. The whole week I was irritated and annoyed with my own life thinking that everything was unfair. My cousin's situation was a big impact in my life. What is there in life if you have not totally give yourself to ALLAH...what is the meaning of life if you yourself could not find ways and make a pact with ALLAH...what exactly the meaning of life if everything you do right now is only for that short period of happiness?? Yes...it does hit me that hard in my brain. I was never thankful of what ALLAH has given to me. I have sinned a lot and never in my thoughts to be in ALLAH's favourite. And I have decided 1 thing....to change my ways...not to bother too much about my surroundings and priotize ALLAH before others.

I have make the decision to perform Umrah again next year,Insya ALLAH in beginning of Ramadhan's month. I prayed everyday to ALLAH to fulfill my wish. I want to be near HIM. I want to cleanse myself and I want to really,really,really give myself to HIM. I need HIM to forgive me for all the sins that I have done. I just need to be there...and I wish I will never come back.

"YA ALLAH,AKU TAK LAYAK KE SYURGAMU NAMUN AKU TAKUT KE NERAKAMU. AMPUNKAN LAH DOSA KU,TERIMA LAH TAUBATKU...SESUNGGUHNYA AKU HANYALAH MANUSIA BIASA YG LALAI DENGAN HAL DUNIA YG SEMENTARA INI. HIDUPKU DAN MATIKU ADALAH DITANGAN MU..AMIN YA RAHMAN YA RAHIMI..."

-END-