Numbness

Honestly, I do not know how to begin telling the story. A certain situation I faced this morning has proven that even though blood is thicker than water, it doesn't mean they are not going to be cruel towards you.

I feel the numbness and hollowness in me. Numbness because I am so used of my siblings amazingly treated me as though I don't exist in this world. Hollowness because I really feel the emptiness which I have always wondered who will be filling it up in my heart.

All I have now is my mother. She knows every single thing of what is happening in my life and my problem that I am facing and the changes in me. She is my bestfriend and companion, without her, I will be lost. If she leaves this world, I will leave too. I could not depend on my siblings for support in terms of mentally or physically. They have always doubts in me. I am and always will be the "bad guy" in the family. I am not saying my sisters and brother are bad people. They are good people. They have been there when I needed them but it wasn't enough. In simple Malay word "keikhlasan" is not within them. "Keikhlasan" has always been the issue within us the siblings. It has never been, "it is okay"...I "ikhlas" to give you or do this for you. It is always turn back to.."I've helped you before this or I have given you before this so you need to pay me back". I am proud to have them as my siblings. They have succeed in life and career. But is it enough?

Money and wealth is my enemy ever since the day I learnt to hold my own money. It destroys you and good relationship with the ones who closest to you. No money you are pest with your siblings. Money will always be the issue in siblings rivalry. I seriously hate it.

I hope my sister and brother will wake up. Wake up in the reality that whatever goes around comes around. They may be calculative towards me now but who knows what is going to happen in future,only ALLAH will know best. They may think they are trying to make me be responsible but am I not? Paying all the debts as how I can and be there for my mother mentally? Oh well...they do not know that. Like I said, I have always been the "bad guy" and will always be that in the dictionary.

I will definitely leave this family once my mother leaves this world, that will be my promise. Each one of them has their own family and I will lead mine to learn more in ALLAH ways. I don't need them after what my brother and sister shown to me...no..correction...what Allah has shown me the real them. What has wealth and status has make them...

So when people says, "blood is thicker than water", is a bullshit concept for me. If bloodline does not includes with compassion and "keikhlasan"...hahhaha...then there is no blood then....END

Unexpected character for unexpected people

It is weird though that when a highly educated people or very religious people tends not to have compassion in them rather than we are whom I called in a simple English 'normal' people. I called it as 'normal' for certain people because we do not attend too many religious classes, did not have so many pious friends but in fact we can be more compassion in heart and not rude towards others. Weird...

Yes,I've seen this so many times and I wonder what have they learned during their classes or when they recite Al Quran. Islam does not determined someones character in just in performing their 5 times prayers or fasting or wearing a hijab. Compassions in your heart does determined also whether you are good Muslim. You can mesmerized the whole Al Quran and you never fail in performing your prayers but if there is a dark side in your heart,what good does it make you?

I am glad that I am 'normal'. I am thankful that ALLAH is always there to guide me and let me see the real world. I have gone through enough situations which makes me realised that no matter what happen, it will turn back to yourself. I was a cruel person. I was a bad tempered person but yet, those character does not lead me anywhere. It leads me to more depressed feelings to the extend that I wish that I was never born to this world. But Allah loves me enough to show me the way back. Light it up the dark side of my heart which for how many years I have blackened it with my own stupidity. There was a light in my soul again and greatest of all, I have gain my compassion in heart again.

When I look around me, seeing the people close to me be the person that I used to be. I am scared and worried for them. Scared they might not given the chance to repent or Allah simply not going to let them see it and let them drowned with their own wrongdoings where as they knew,it is wrong if they continue being that person but yet....they just let themselves drowned.

I prayed for them..I prayed that they realised not only reciting and understanding Al Quran,or performing your duties towards ALLAH will be enough if the heart is not compassion towards other human race...

I miss him terribly...

Hmm..I seriously miss him even though he was not worth to missed about. I guess this is due that his birthday is around the corner. Argghhhh!!! I hate this feeling. I hate this vulnerable feeling that I am facing and need to endured it. I wish I never met him and I wish I never got close to him before this and how I wish..seriously wish that I can see my future like what Alice Cullen can do so that I knew that he will hurt me and safe myself from the heartbreak.

It has been exactly 7 months that he stop contacting me after the day that I helped him. How I wish I can turn back time but for what? So that he can hanging on to me and I have high hopes that things will be different even then? No,it won't be different, it will be the same. He will treat me as someone who will do anything for him without asking for anything back. He knew that...

But honestly, I can't stop myself from missing him. He was different from any guy that I know. He can make me laugh and cry at the same time. He was mature for his age and he knew....how I felt and can be transparent about it. He knew when I was angry, he knew exactly when I am sulking and wants to cry even over the phone, he knew my character.

He was the second person in my life that I am not able to get over with. It is a common statment that time will heal the wound, but will it? After so many times getting hurt,will I ever be healed? Or forever I will shield myself from getting hurt and refuse to feel the same again...to fall in love again..hmm..I do not know....

One more hour to go...

It's already 11am and I have another hour to go for my lunch. I ponders and wonders what to do within this one hour so I decided, why not I update my blog then? My boss is not around and no one is disturbing me...hehehe...I do not have any ideas what to write now but somehow or rather, ideas will be pouring out once I start typing.

Things has change a lot lately. My work, well...so far it has been good if there is no one actually disturbing. People in the office? Hmm...getting worse I guess. Is like, once one person very emotional about something, it will affect everybody which I can never understand why. Why does people in the office get easily emotional? Is it work problem or personal problem? Majority, it was personal problem. It is understandble that everyone has a problem but do each every one of us KNOW that you are actually facing life and death situation?? If people ask you a very simple question and you very rudely replied to that person in a tone like "hello...i am having huge problem,can't u see? can't u not ask stupid question??" Honestly,nope..na'ah..no one can actually knows whether you are facing a bad day.

Ok..thats about emotional staff..:). Here in this office tends to be groupy too..in Malay language "berpuak-puak" which also I do not understand why. This group is gossiping about the other group and the other group is gossiping about that group...gosh..it is neverending. Yes, I know, it is a office nature that this 'groupy thingy' is occured but sometimes it is very annoying especially when 1 person is facing some problem and instead of helping that particular person, they actually gossips and make things worse. I watch and observed each person characters and smile to myself. Who are we to judge other people?

Ok,10 more minutes to go for my lunch. Shall update my blog again and go through the same cycle in the office which will definitely not going to change...cheers!

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Wow..seriously it has been such a long time since I last wrote and updating my blog. Well,I guess mentaly tired and was too busy coping with everyday life is the main caused of it.

Alhamdulilah...5 months has gone by and I have succeeded in going through the worse hurdle ever. Firstly, the ALamanda thingy and secondly,my first ever seminar organised by me,myself and I..:).Last year it was the Karnival MPH Mutiara Minda where I organised within exactly 1 month and this time, the seminar which I do not know head or tail of it..but yet, I have succeeded.

Honestly, I was nearly giving up and thinking that I could not handle it but Alhamdulillah with HIS guidance, I have manage it well. I was at the verge of quitting when too many of them commented, criticising but somehow or rather I manage to shut it down and focus of what I should do. Like my COO said to me..."I know you are frustrated but let's focus and get this seminar done ". True enough..I did manage to focus and get it done.

So now,another coming project...THE SOCIAL NETWORKING SEMINAR...gosh...this is harder i think but well...I know I can do it. Like my good friend,Fara told me..."I know you can do it when you say so, no doubt on that"...hehehe..so THUMBS UP! for
myself...:)

Cheerios!