Numbness

Honestly, I do not know how to begin telling the story. A certain situation I faced this morning has proven that even though blood is thicker than water, it doesn't mean they are not going to be cruel towards you.

I feel the numbness and hollowness in me. Numbness because I am so used of my siblings amazingly treated me as though I don't exist in this world. Hollowness because I really feel the emptiness which I have always wondered who will be filling it up in my heart.

All I have now is my mother. She knows every single thing of what is happening in my life and my problem that I am facing and the changes in me. She is my bestfriend and companion, without her, I will be lost. If she leaves this world, I will leave too. I could not depend on my siblings for support in terms of mentally or physically. They have always doubts in me. I am and always will be the "bad guy" in the family. I am not saying my sisters and brother are bad people. They are good people. They have been there when I needed them but it wasn't enough. In simple Malay word "keikhlasan" is not within them. "Keikhlasan" has always been the issue within us the siblings. It has never been, "it is okay"...I "ikhlas" to give you or do this for you. It is always turn back to.."I've helped you before this or I have given you before this so you need to pay me back". I am proud to have them as my siblings. They have succeed in life and career. But is it enough?

Money and wealth is my enemy ever since the day I learnt to hold my own money. It destroys you and good relationship with the ones who closest to you. No money you are pest with your siblings. Money will always be the issue in siblings rivalry. I seriously hate it.

I hope my sister and brother will wake up. Wake up in the reality that whatever goes around comes around. They may be calculative towards me now but who knows what is going to happen in future,only ALLAH will know best. They may think they are trying to make me be responsible but am I not? Paying all the debts as how I can and be there for my mother mentally? Oh well...they do not know that. Like I said, I have always been the "bad guy" and will always be that in the dictionary.

I will definitely leave this family once my mother leaves this world, that will be my promise. Each one of them has their own family and I will lead mine to learn more in ALLAH ways. I don't need them after what my brother and sister shown to me...no..correction...what Allah has shown me the real them. What has wealth and status has make them...

So when people says, "blood is thicker than water", is a bullshit concept for me. If bloodline does not includes with compassion and "keikhlasan"...hahhaha...then there is no blood then....END