Beautifully stated.... As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
"Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
MY STORY Part V
Once the cab stopped at the taxi stand,took out a ten ringgit note, told the driver to keep the change and rushed out to the pavement. While walking, I could hear bustling of people rushing to their offices like me. Looking around, I saw everyday familiar faces smiling at me. Smiled back and nod my head to them signalling I am already late for work. I reached the office door, the company security guard waved and opened the door for me.
"Aren't you late today...how come?" Siva asked with a wide grin appear on his face. Siva has been working with The Reading Space ever since he was 18years old, so basicly he knows every person in this company although there are more 100 people working under the same roof.
"Morning Siva,has Aida came in yet?" I asked while writing down my attendance and get myself check by a lady security.
"No..no..not yet. Maybe she still at the parking lot," said Siva with his Tamil slang,shaking his head and winked at me.
"Hahahaha..alright then. See you around and thanks Siva," I said laughingly.
I went straight to my table. For that moment, I realised I have not been thinking about Jann and her mysterious cousin,Cate. I looked around and somehow or rather the office is seem very extraordinary silence today.
"Why is it the office so quiet today?" I asked Zaharah, my assistant whom somehow staring at the paper she was holding.
"Oh..hi there,Ayesha..Quiet? Really? I didn't realised it either. You just came in? Madam was looking for you just now,asking about the shipment that you rejected before you went on leave. She wants the report on her table tomorrow morning, how was your dad?" said Zaharah,still staring at her document.
"So far he's at home and under observation by mum of course.Hmmm.. I'll get the report done by today. Where is everybody anyway?" I asked realising that all my clerks are not around.
"Briefing on the product knowledge outside " Zaharah answered whom still staring at the paper she's holding. Getting very impatient with her character, I snapped.
"Oi...what is that you holding and staring? You seem like in dazed. What's up?" I asked her with a frown on my face. She just shrugged her shoulder and give a loud sighed. She looked at me and then she looked down again at the paper. Ever since I start to work for this bookstore, never once I heard that Zaharah not without a problem. Seems like she attracted too much of negative vibes from outside the world. Looking at her now, I knew there is something wrong.
"What is wrong Zah?" I asked still a frowned on my face. She moved from her sit and came to my table. I looked up and waiting patiently for her reply. She keep on playing with the paper in her hand. After so many sighing and shrugging at last she opened her mouth and told me.
"Ayesha,don't get shock alright..hmm.. I'm pregnant..." she said not daring to look at me eye to eye.
"YOU WHAT????", I was basicly half screaming my heads off. I could not believe this. Zaharah was supposed to leave the husband. Seeing the fear on Zaharah eyes, I tried to calmed down.
"Geez Zah...aren't you supposed to leave him? How the heck you can get yourself pregnant? Did he gave you drugs or something?" I know I shouldn't interfered with Zaharah marital problems but I don't think I should pretend that she wasn't basicly a victim of physical abused can I?
"Gotten me drunk more like it. Look, it was my fault too alright. We went clubbing together, drinking and dancing so one thing leads to another. So....you know..."she went scarlet when she told me this. I sighed and shaked my head. I start to tidy my table and switched on the computer when Zaharah sort of starting to cry. Now why is she crying?
"Please don't judge me,Ayesha. I know it was a mistake but he is after all my husband" she said with a tear falling down at her cheek.
I looked up, rather staying angry with her, suddenly I felt pity. Pitied for women who no choice to fulfilled the husband demands whether she wants too or not. Obligations...so it seems. I got up and leaned beside her. I took a deep breath and put my arms around her shoulders.
"Zah, I know this is not my business and I will not intefere about this whole pregnancy thing but if somehow or rather, he lays his hand on you again I swear to God, I will go to police and report him and at the same time,I'll grab my sofball bat and smash his head off to give his brain some clear view what has he done to you. Is that clear?" I said with a warning tone and gave her warm smile. She nods and smiled at me.
"Thanks Ayesha" she said and walked back to her place.
When I looked at her, I have always wonder, why does woman always becomes so weak when it comes to husband even though how bad the husband is treating her. Why can't they just walked away? Was it love or the idea of being alone without companion scares them? Mostly I will get the answer from the married women, they stay on because of the children. Claiming they stay on because of the children, refuses to let the children to be fatherless.But yet, doesn't it will deprived the children childhood if they keep on being the spectators of their fathers beating of their mothers? Ted Bundy became a serial killer murdering hundreds of women due to his father was so violent towards him and family. Why can't some women sees that? Too many cases and evidence proving violent parenthood leads to bad future for their children. I looked again at Zaharah, can't she see that?
At that moment, something triggered me. What if Jann left me? Will I become weak and desperate for attention or put on brave face and be on my own? Seriously, it had never crossed my mind. I never once been dumped by someone,dumping people is more to my criteria. How exactly will I react if Zaharah situations is reversed towards me?
Suddenly a shrieking voice came out from nowhere make me jumped.
"Ayesha! can you call Aida and ask her where she is? She is supposed to be in charge of the cash register this morning and the shop is opening within 20 minutes for god sake!"Rozana, our dear chief cashier were shouting her lungs out at me due to her irritation feeling of Aida being late...yet again.
I nodded my head and started to dial Aida's number. The phone rang once and already Aida answered her phone. Before I could say anything, Aida shouted "I'm at the parking lot! Be there in a sec..."then the phone was off again. I looked around and saw Rozana raise one eyebrow at me. I realised that I put on loudspeaker so due to my understanding, there is no need for me to tell Rozana what Aida reply was. I grinned at Rozana and she just shaked her head and walk off to her little office.
When I turned around, I saw all my clerks already at their table continuing their work. I sat at my table checked through all my emails when suddenly someone burst in at the door. Who else if not our famous latecomer and my dear friend, Aida. I grinned when I saw her panicking through the door.
"Damn it, damn it...I'm late" she said grinning at me.
"Yet again...what's new?" I said with a chuckled from my voice. She glared at me and went to her locker.
"How was your dad?" she asked rummaging through her bag looking for her keys.
"Surviving as usual, he will be fine, insya ALLAH" I said waiting for her to finish whatever she's doing at the locker. I badly need to talk to her but obviously not a very good timing with her coming late to work. Guess I need to wait until we off from work.
"Hey Aida,do you think we can hang out after work today?" I asked her after she had already locked up her things. She came up to my table, grab some of my breads that I brought from my house earlier on.
"Sure thing..got latest super delicious hot story I assumed?" she asked grinning at me.
I chuckled and said "Steaming hot on fire stove more like it" rolling my eyes at her.
"Hahahahah...alright then. Guess I have to go to and see the Ice Queen now " she said with a wide grin on her face.
The day passes so quickly. So many reports and paperwork to be done. Zaharah bought me some lunch from the foodcourt and I ate while I work. Collegues came and disturb me, eat my bread, drinking my drinks, finish up my snacks and continue doing their work. Sometimes it does irritates me but somehow or rather I feel warm around them. Irritating but fun to be with.They love to hear me screaming my heads off whenever someone sat on my chair or finishes my food or even some stocks belonging to their department are not stock properly in the warehouse. I was known to be very tempermental when it comes to work but well, it never bothers them of my unstable character. They will find their ways to accomodate me. Basicly, we worked together like a irritating and annoyingly happy family.
I was so engrossed with my work when suddenly Aida grab a chair and sat beside me at the table.
"So, what story morning glory?" she asked sipping my Coke.
"Is it 6 pm already?" I asked looking at my watch. She nodded and silently eating my peanuts.
Suddenly, at that moment I realised something. Something that has become a routine but somehow or rather that routine is not been done today. The routine that has kept me and Jann closer. Phone calls. Jann has not called me at all today. Not even a single phone calls or message from her. Very unusual behaviour. I realised I start to sweat and my hands start to shake again. I closed my eyes and start to control myself from shaking.
"Ayesha? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Aida asked with concern in her voice.
I opened my eyes and looked up to her. With a deep breath and trembling lips, I answered
"Aida...I think Jann has someone else" I said with a fear in my eyes. Aida was dumbfounded and she stop munching the peanuts even though her hand already half way to her mouth.
Silently, I looked at her with a pleading eyes. Aida got up from her sit and held my hand.
"Let's go and have some coffee and talk" she said. I am not sure how pale my face was but Aida does look worried. I was frozen at my sit. I am not able to move, not even an inch. I was shaking from head to toe.
At that moment, I knew...I knew, my fear and suspicion is coming back.
"Aren't you late today...how come?" Siva asked with a wide grin appear on his face. Siva has been working with The Reading Space ever since he was 18years old, so basicly he knows every person in this company although there are more 100 people working under the same roof.
"Morning Siva,has Aida came in yet?" I asked while writing down my attendance and get myself check by a lady security.
"No..no..not yet. Maybe she still at the parking lot," said Siva with his Tamil slang,shaking his head and winked at me.
"Hahahaha..alright then. See you around and thanks Siva," I said laughingly.
I went straight to my table. For that moment, I realised I have not been thinking about Jann and her mysterious cousin,Cate. I looked around and somehow or rather the office is seem very extraordinary silence today.
"Why is it the office so quiet today?" I asked Zaharah, my assistant whom somehow staring at the paper she was holding.
"Oh..hi there,Ayesha..Quiet? Really? I didn't realised it either. You just came in? Madam was looking for you just now,asking about the shipment that you rejected before you went on leave. She wants the report on her table tomorrow morning, how was your dad?" said Zaharah,still staring at her document.
"So far he's at home and under observation by mum of course.Hmmm.. I'll get the report done by today. Where is everybody anyway?" I asked realising that all my clerks are not around.
"Briefing on the product knowledge outside " Zaharah answered whom still staring at the paper she's holding. Getting very impatient with her character, I snapped.
"Oi...what is that you holding and staring? You seem like in dazed. What's up?" I asked her with a frown on my face. She just shrugged her shoulder and give a loud sighed. She looked at me and then she looked down again at the paper. Ever since I start to work for this bookstore, never once I heard that Zaharah not without a problem. Seems like she attracted too much of negative vibes from outside the world. Looking at her now, I knew there is something wrong.
"What is wrong Zah?" I asked still a frowned on my face. She moved from her sit and came to my table. I looked up and waiting patiently for her reply. She keep on playing with the paper in her hand. After so many sighing and shrugging at last she opened her mouth and told me.
"Ayesha,don't get shock alright..hmm.. I'm pregnant..." she said not daring to look at me eye to eye.
"YOU WHAT????", I was basicly half screaming my heads off. I could not believe this. Zaharah was supposed to leave the husband. Seeing the fear on Zaharah eyes, I tried to calmed down.
"Geez Zah...aren't you supposed to leave him? How the heck you can get yourself pregnant? Did he gave you drugs or something?" I know I shouldn't interfered with Zaharah marital problems but I don't think I should pretend that she wasn't basicly a victim of physical abused can I?
"Gotten me drunk more like it. Look, it was my fault too alright. We went clubbing together, drinking and dancing so one thing leads to another. So....you know..."she went scarlet when she told me this. I sighed and shaked my head. I start to tidy my table and switched on the computer when Zaharah sort of starting to cry. Now why is she crying?
"Please don't judge me,Ayesha. I know it was a mistake but he is after all my husband" she said with a tear falling down at her cheek.
I looked up, rather staying angry with her, suddenly I felt pity. Pitied for women who no choice to fulfilled the husband demands whether she wants too or not. Obligations...so it seems. I got up and leaned beside her. I took a deep breath and put my arms around her shoulders.
"Zah, I know this is not my business and I will not intefere about this whole pregnancy thing but if somehow or rather, he lays his hand on you again I swear to God, I will go to police and report him and at the same time,I'll grab my sofball bat and smash his head off to give his brain some clear view what has he done to you. Is that clear?" I said with a warning tone and gave her warm smile. She nods and smiled at me.
"Thanks Ayesha" she said and walked back to her place.
When I looked at her, I have always wonder, why does woman always becomes so weak when it comes to husband even though how bad the husband is treating her. Why can't they just walked away? Was it love or the idea of being alone without companion scares them? Mostly I will get the answer from the married women, they stay on because of the children. Claiming they stay on because of the children, refuses to let the children to be fatherless.But yet, doesn't it will deprived the children childhood if they keep on being the spectators of their fathers beating of their mothers? Ted Bundy became a serial killer murdering hundreds of women due to his father was so violent towards him and family. Why can't some women sees that? Too many cases and evidence proving violent parenthood leads to bad future for their children. I looked again at Zaharah, can't she see that?
At that moment, something triggered me. What if Jann left me? Will I become weak and desperate for attention or put on brave face and be on my own? Seriously, it had never crossed my mind. I never once been dumped by someone,dumping people is more to my criteria. How exactly will I react if Zaharah situations is reversed towards me?
Suddenly a shrieking voice came out from nowhere make me jumped.
"Ayesha! can you call Aida and ask her where she is? She is supposed to be in charge of the cash register this morning and the shop is opening within 20 minutes for god sake!"Rozana, our dear chief cashier were shouting her lungs out at me due to her irritation feeling of Aida being late...yet again.
I nodded my head and started to dial Aida's number. The phone rang once and already Aida answered her phone. Before I could say anything, Aida shouted "I'm at the parking lot! Be there in a sec..."then the phone was off again. I looked around and saw Rozana raise one eyebrow at me. I realised that I put on loudspeaker so due to my understanding, there is no need for me to tell Rozana what Aida reply was. I grinned at Rozana and she just shaked her head and walk off to her little office.
When I turned around, I saw all my clerks already at their table continuing their work. I sat at my table checked through all my emails when suddenly someone burst in at the door. Who else if not our famous latecomer and my dear friend, Aida. I grinned when I saw her panicking through the door.
"Damn it, damn it...I'm late" she said grinning at me.
"Yet again...what's new?" I said with a chuckled from my voice. She glared at me and went to her locker.
"How was your dad?" she asked rummaging through her bag looking for her keys.
"Surviving as usual, he will be fine, insya ALLAH" I said waiting for her to finish whatever she's doing at the locker. I badly need to talk to her but obviously not a very good timing with her coming late to work. Guess I need to wait until we off from work.
"Hey Aida,do you think we can hang out after work today?" I asked her after she had already locked up her things. She came up to my table, grab some of my breads that I brought from my house earlier on.
"Sure thing..got latest super delicious hot story I assumed?" she asked grinning at me.
I chuckled and said "Steaming hot on fire stove more like it" rolling my eyes at her.
"Hahahahah...alright then. Guess I have to go to and see the Ice Queen now " she said with a wide grin on her face.
The day passes so quickly. So many reports and paperwork to be done. Zaharah bought me some lunch from the foodcourt and I ate while I work. Collegues came and disturb me, eat my bread, drinking my drinks, finish up my snacks and continue doing their work. Sometimes it does irritates me but somehow or rather I feel warm around them. Irritating but fun to be with.They love to hear me screaming my heads off whenever someone sat on my chair or finishes my food or even some stocks belonging to their department are not stock properly in the warehouse. I was known to be very tempermental when it comes to work but well, it never bothers them of my unstable character. They will find their ways to accomodate me. Basicly, we worked together like a irritating and annoyingly happy family.
I was so engrossed with my work when suddenly Aida grab a chair and sat beside me at the table.
"So, what story morning glory?" she asked sipping my Coke.
"Is it 6 pm already?" I asked looking at my watch. She nodded and silently eating my peanuts.
Suddenly, at that moment I realised something. Something that has become a routine but somehow or rather that routine is not been done today. The routine that has kept me and Jann closer. Phone calls. Jann has not called me at all today. Not even a single phone calls or message from her. Very unusual behaviour. I realised I start to sweat and my hands start to shake again. I closed my eyes and start to control myself from shaking.
"Ayesha? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Aida asked with concern in her voice.
I opened my eyes and looked up to her. With a deep breath and trembling lips, I answered
"Aida...I think Jann has someone else" I said with a fear in my eyes. Aida was dumbfounded and she stop munching the peanuts even though her hand already half way to her mouth.
Silently, I looked at her with a pleading eyes. Aida got up from her sit and held my hand.
"Let's go and have some coffee and talk" she said. I am not sure how pale my face was but Aida does look worried. I was frozen at my sit. I am not able to move, not even an inch. I was shaking from head to toe.
At that moment, I knew...I knew, my fear and suspicion is coming back.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
MY STORY Part IV
"Allrite then, talk.." I said after gulping one whole glass of cold water.
"Look, can you not judge anything even before I say anything yet?", Jann got up and grab the cigarettes from my hand and start smoking. I just could not understand of why she was feeling very agitated where as I have not say anything yet.
"What do you mean I judged you. I don't even accused you of anything..." I said with a frown on my face.
"Yet...you have not accused me yet. I know you will. Your expression tells me everything and yes of course.. not forgetting your tone. I know that tone. The tone of anger and suspicions " says Jann.
I did not reply to her accusations instead I looked at Jann with a wonder. What exactly is she trying to hide? Why is it everytime there is any arguement occured, she will shift the blame on me? Why?
"Jann, you told me, we have to talk so I said..then let's talk, what is so wrong of me to say that?" I sighed and shake my head. I got up from the bed and walk to my drawer to change my clothes. After a long silence in the room, suddenly Jann's voice came from the corner of the bed.
"Cate is my cousin,Ayesha. Do you remember the message I sent you that mummy and daddy came up here when you visiting your dad back home? Well, it seems mummy set a dinner gathering with her long lost time relative. Apparently,Cate's father is related to granny so we sort of starts from there. It's like Cate and I are connected. You know very well that I never get along with any of my relative not even my own brother so we became close. We went out together and spent the night at her place most of time when you were not around" says Jann without a paused.
I took a deep breath not knowing how to react to this statement. Somehow or rather,the statement that she makes does not seem right. "It's like Cate and I are connected", those exact words are ringing in my ears.
"You went out and stay at her place most of the time when I was not around?" I asked trying to control my emotions.
"Yes and no. Sometimes we came back here to watch movies together and she slept over" said Jann while exhaling the smoke from her lungs.
"She stayed over?Here? In my house and in my room...here?And all this time..I mean this whole week..you don't have the bladdy initiative to let me know about her? Not even a message?" I realised my lips quivered when those sentences came out from me.
"DON'T START....I've told you that she is just my cousin...I mean a long lost cousin whom somehow got closed too. There is no need for you to be this... paranoid.." Jann got up and switch on the TV.
I was trembling. I do not know of why I'm feeling this way. Was it anger that I was shaking this bad? Look at her,she seems so innocent as if she has not done any faults. Maybe I was being paranoid. Maybe I was feeling very tired due to my dad and journey back home. Maybe I was missing her so much that she don't seem to bothered. Maybe I was jealous that she has a new friend to turn too. Ok..I am doing it again. I am being paranoid for nothing. Maybe it is true they are not having affair. Affair...what an awkward word for this kind of relationship.
Suddenly Jann's phone rang. She got up in haste afraid that I will reach her phone first. Who on earth will call her in this middle of the night?I barely hear her voice. She was whispering through the phone as though there are some secrets to talk without me knowing me about it. I was pretending to ignore her conversation with the person on the line. It was kind of difficult not to eavesdrop as we were in a same room. I looked at the clock above me, it's already nearly 2am. Who could that be?
I lie down on my bed and waited. After 10 minutes, she hang up the phone, switch off the tv and lie down next to me. I was trying to stop myself from questioning her but curiousity is killing me.
"Who was it?" I asked trying to hide my suspicion.
"Cate.." Jann replied without further explaination. I can't help myself, need to asked.
"What does she want?" yet again trying to composed myself.
"She called just to confirm the lunch we supposed to have tomorrow..i mean later" she answered.
"And does she have to call now? Why can't she call later ..maybe breakfast time or so?" I realised I was going overboard with all this questioning but heck, I couldn't help myself.
"Ayesha..enough. I am tired and so does you. Get some sleep, you got work to go too later". From her tone of voice, I know she was trying to avoid further instigation from me.
"What shift are you in tomorrow?" I asked trying to control the situation again.
"I'm off tomorrow. I'm meeting Cate for lunch then we gonna catch movies later" she replied without any guilty conscience.I was dumbfounded. I did not reply or asked any more questions.
I remember I could not get any sleep that night. I lie wide awake and start to think. Thinking... this is it..my worst fear has arrived. The feeling that I fear the most.....my suspicion and strong instinct of knowing something is wrong. The fear of knowing that every instinct has always come true. I really hate this feeling. The feeling that I despised the most. But yet, only through this feeling, I tend to know the truth, no matter how hurtful it will be.
In the darkness and silent of the night, all I could hear was Jann slow breathing.She was sleeping so soundly as though everything was fine. I got up from my bed and went out to the living room. I sat on the couch in the dark and start to smoke. No matter what I do or how much I tried to ignore it, the heavy feeling is still in me. I could not understand why does that girl appearance affected me so badly? But most of all, I felt hurt that Jann did not asked anything about my dad's condition or how am I dealing with the situation. Yes, I was very sad and disappointed with her on that.
I do not know how long I was awake or fell asleep, suddenly I felt someone's hand tapping me on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw Jann sleepy eyes looking at me.
"Why are you sleeping out here? Aren't you gonna go to work?It's nearly 8am " she said.
I shrugged and got up. Geez...I felt my head was heavy as though there is a stone sitting on it. It's been a week, I could not get proper sleep. It took me awhile to adjust myself and remembering what happened last night or this morning more like it. I looked up and saw Jann waiting for me.
"I'm up and yep..I'm going to work" I answered. I got up and walked passed her. I grab my towel and have a quick shower. I went into the room to get dressed and saw Jann was texting on her phone. Hmm...damn early to be messaging. I ignored her, get dressed quickly and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. That will do it. Coffee will brightened my day, I hope.
After I fill up my body with coffee and cigarettes, I went to the room one more time to grab my bag. She still texting. I composed myself not to get overeact.
"Ok, I'm going now. I see you later alrite.." I leaned over and kiss her on the cheek. She nod her head and smile.
"Have fun at work and send my regards to Aida" she replied. I shrugged and went out from the house.
Aida...yes, aida...I need to talk to her. I need to let this whatever feeling I'm having now out or away from me. I hastely running through the staircase without bothering to take the lift.
I wasn't looking and nearly knocked my own sister downstairs.
"Oi..why are you in hurry?" she said shouting behind my back
"I'm late...that's why!" I shouted at her back. She just shaked her head and walk off into the lift.
Late? I wasn't late..I was trying to get to the office early so that I could talk to Aida. I can't wait to tell her that's for sure.
A cab passing by, I held my hand to stop it. The cab slowed down and the driver wind down the window.
"To Megamall sir?" I asked hopefully. The cab driver nodded and I went in. He accelarate and I looked back at my apartment and wonder. What is going on exactly? God...what are you trying to tell me?
"Look, can you not judge anything even before I say anything yet?", Jann got up and grab the cigarettes from my hand and start smoking. I just could not understand of why she was feeling very agitated where as I have not say anything yet.
"What do you mean I judged you. I don't even accused you of anything..." I said with a frown on my face.
"Yet...you have not accused me yet. I know you will. Your expression tells me everything and yes of course.. not forgetting your tone. I know that tone. The tone of anger and suspicions " says Jann.
I did not reply to her accusations instead I looked at Jann with a wonder. What exactly is she trying to hide? Why is it everytime there is any arguement occured, she will shift the blame on me? Why?
"Jann, you told me, we have to talk so I said..then let's talk, what is so wrong of me to say that?" I sighed and shake my head. I got up from the bed and walk to my drawer to change my clothes. After a long silence in the room, suddenly Jann's voice came from the corner of the bed.
"Cate is my cousin,Ayesha. Do you remember the message I sent you that mummy and daddy came up here when you visiting your dad back home? Well, it seems mummy set a dinner gathering with her long lost time relative. Apparently,Cate's father is related to granny so we sort of starts from there. It's like Cate and I are connected. You know very well that I never get along with any of my relative not even my own brother so we became close. We went out together and spent the night at her place most of time when you were not around" says Jann without a paused.
I took a deep breath not knowing how to react to this statement. Somehow or rather,the statement that she makes does not seem right. "It's like Cate and I are connected", those exact words are ringing in my ears.
"You went out and stay at her place most of the time when I was not around?" I asked trying to control my emotions.
"Yes and no. Sometimes we came back here to watch movies together and she slept over" said Jann while exhaling the smoke from her lungs.
"She stayed over?Here? In my house and in my room...here?And all this time..I mean this whole week..you don't have the bladdy initiative to let me know about her? Not even a message?" I realised my lips quivered when those sentences came out from me.
"DON'T START....I've told you that she is just my cousin...I mean a long lost cousin whom somehow got closed too. There is no need for you to be this... paranoid.." Jann got up and switch on the TV.
I was trembling. I do not know of why I'm feeling this way. Was it anger that I was shaking this bad? Look at her,she seems so innocent as if she has not done any faults. Maybe I was being paranoid. Maybe I was feeling very tired due to my dad and journey back home. Maybe I was missing her so much that she don't seem to bothered. Maybe I was jealous that she has a new friend to turn too. Ok..I am doing it again. I am being paranoid for nothing. Maybe it is true they are not having affair. Affair...what an awkward word for this kind of relationship.
Suddenly Jann's phone rang. She got up in haste afraid that I will reach her phone first. Who on earth will call her in this middle of the night?I barely hear her voice. She was whispering through the phone as though there are some secrets to talk without me knowing me about it. I was pretending to ignore her conversation with the person on the line. It was kind of difficult not to eavesdrop as we were in a same room. I looked at the clock above me, it's already nearly 2am. Who could that be?
I lie down on my bed and waited. After 10 minutes, she hang up the phone, switch off the tv and lie down next to me. I was trying to stop myself from questioning her but curiousity is killing me.
"Who was it?" I asked trying to hide my suspicion.
"Cate.." Jann replied without further explaination. I can't help myself, need to asked.
"What does she want?" yet again trying to composed myself.
"She called just to confirm the lunch we supposed to have tomorrow..i mean later" she answered.
"And does she have to call now? Why can't she call later ..maybe breakfast time or so?" I realised I was going overboard with all this questioning but heck, I couldn't help myself.
"Ayesha..enough. I am tired and so does you. Get some sleep, you got work to go too later". From her tone of voice, I know she was trying to avoid further instigation from me.
"What shift are you in tomorrow?" I asked trying to control the situation again.
"I'm off tomorrow. I'm meeting Cate for lunch then we gonna catch movies later" she replied without any guilty conscience.I was dumbfounded. I did not reply or asked any more questions.
I remember I could not get any sleep that night. I lie wide awake and start to think. Thinking... this is it..my worst fear has arrived. The feeling that I fear the most.....my suspicion and strong instinct of knowing something is wrong. The fear of knowing that every instinct has always come true. I really hate this feeling. The feeling that I despised the most. But yet, only through this feeling, I tend to know the truth, no matter how hurtful it will be.
In the darkness and silent of the night, all I could hear was Jann slow breathing.She was sleeping so soundly as though everything was fine. I got up from my bed and went out to the living room. I sat on the couch in the dark and start to smoke. No matter what I do or how much I tried to ignore it, the heavy feeling is still in me. I could not understand why does that girl appearance affected me so badly? But most of all, I felt hurt that Jann did not asked anything about my dad's condition or how am I dealing with the situation. Yes, I was very sad and disappointed with her on that.
I do not know how long I was awake or fell asleep, suddenly I felt someone's hand tapping me on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw Jann sleepy eyes looking at me.
"Why are you sleeping out here? Aren't you gonna go to work?It's nearly 8am " she said.
I shrugged and got up. Geez...I felt my head was heavy as though there is a stone sitting on it. It's been a week, I could not get proper sleep. It took me awhile to adjust myself and remembering what happened last night or this morning more like it. I looked up and saw Jann waiting for me.
"I'm up and yep..I'm going to work" I answered. I got up and walked passed her. I grab my towel and have a quick shower. I went into the room to get dressed and saw Jann was texting on her phone. Hmm...damn early to be messaging. I ignored her, get dressed quickly and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. That will do it. Coffee will brightened my day, I hope.
After I fill up my body with coffee and cigarettes, I went to the room one more time to grab my bag. She still texting. I composed myself not to get overeact.
"Ok, I'm going now. I see you later alrite.." I leaned over and kiss her on the cheek. She nod her head and smile.
"Have fun at work and send my regards to Aida" she replied. I shrugged and went out from the house.
Aida...yes, aida...I need to talk to her. I need to let this whatever feeling I'm having now out or away from me. I hastely running through the staircase without bothering to take the lift.
I wasn't looking and nearly knocked my own sister downstairs.
"Oi..why are you in hurry?" she said shouting behind my back
"I'm late...that's why!" I shouted at her back. She just shaked her head and walk off into the lift.
Late? I wasn't late..I was trying to get to the office early so that I could talk to Aida. I can't wait to tell her that's for sure.
A cab passing by, I held my hand to stop it. The cab slowed down and the driver wind down the window.
"To Megamall sir?" I asked hopefully. The cab driver nodded and I went in. He accelarate and I looked back at my apartment and wonder. What is going on exactly? God...what are you trying to tell me?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Continuation from Part III
I keep on calling Jann many times. She still has not picked up any of my calls or even replied my messages. I called and called, messages after messages. Worried and panic overcomes me. I could not think straight. What if she met with an accident? What if she has been kidnapped? All sort of ideas came into my brain at that moment. I paced around my room. I was sweating profusely and I shivered. Not due to cold weather...but due to nervous of not knowing what is happening. The last thing on my mind was that she have someone new. No, it couldn't be. We just been separated for a week. It can't be that she has someone else's. I tried calling her again and after how many hundreds attempt to get her, finally she answered my calls.
"Where are you? " I asked trying to stay calm.
"I'm at friend's place " she answered me lazily. She sound as though she has just woken up from a sleep. I looked at my watch and it was already 3pm in the afternoon.
"Which friend? Don't you remember I'm coming back today? Why aren't you at home?" I choose my word carefully as I do not wish to create any arguement with Jann.
"Can I just see you at home? I'm kind of having headache at the moment," she hang up the call before I could say anything else. "Wait Jann!!!" I shouted but the line was already dead.
I sat on my bed and stared into space. She hung up on me. All this years that I was with her she has never done that to me. Even how bad our arguement will be, she will not or never hang up on me. At the moment, I was trying to calm myself down by telling to myself, maybe she just hang out with couple of friends, got tired and sleep there since I'm not at home. I realised that my hand was shaking tremendously. I keep telling myself I was being paranoid. I went out from my room, go to the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee and search for my box of cigarettes.
Took out 1 cigarettes, light it and inhaled it trying to calm myself down. This is ridicillious, I shouldn't being this panicky for no reason.
I grab a magazine and trying to read it. Geez..it doesn't work at all. The insecurity feeling is bothering me like as though there is something going on. No, I should not suspect Jann as though she is having affair. I just left her for a week to be with my dad. Of course she could understand can she? What if the situation is reversed towards her? Well, I will be at home waiting for her to come back, that's for sure. I picked up my phone to call her again but then I stopped. I know Jann. She will get furious if I keep on bothering her with questions. She doesn't like to be question but this waiting for her at home and not knowing what is going on is really bugging me like crazy!
So, I waited. The night came,lying on my bed and stared at the door but Jann still did not appeared at my doorway. All sort of imaginations running through my brain. My heart was thumping loudly and I wonder if my sister can hear it from next room as the house was really silent. All I could hear was my own unstable breathing. Ok, that's it...I need a fag. I got up and search for my cigarettes. All boxes are already empty. I became very agitated, I change my clothes and went out from the house to go to the nearby shop.
I checked whether my sister is already asleep. No sound from her room at all. I sneaked out from the house silently. Went straight to the lift, the lift door opened and I went it. Kind of freaky to be alone at this hour. I pressed "G" and the lift moved downwards. Weird...this lift is damn slow tonight. It reached the ground floor, the door opened ajar and when I was about to a step out from the lift, I looked up and there she was. Jann was standing in front of the lift. Staring and frowning at me. She wasn't alone. She was with somebody. Another girl stood there. I turned my head and looked at the person next to her. Petite, pretty and fair skinned. She look amazing under the dim light. A stranger standing there but there some familiarity about her face. As though I've seen her somewhere. However, this familiarity does not ring any bells in my brain if she was friend of ours, mine or Janns. I never met or seen her before. I looked at her and turn my head to Jann who was now already fidgeting unconsciously.
"Where do you think you going in this middle of the night?" Jann asked, still frowning of course.
" I want to buy some cigarettes. There's none at home " I replied. My eyes turn to the girl who standing beside her. She was smiling at me. I tried to smile backed but somehow or rather my smiling nerves was unfunctional at that moment.
"Ayesha, this is Catherine. Cate, this is Ayesha" Jann was gesturing her towards me. She held out her hand and smiled.
"Hi there, Ayesha. Nice to meet you. Jann told me a lot about you " she said happily. I shaked her hand and nodded. "Nice to meet you too although Jann never mention anything about you," I replied with a smile. Catherine nodded and chuckled.
"So, Jann..I don't think you need an escort to go back upstairs. I think you already on a safe hands now. We shall meet tomorrow for lunch yeah?". I'm not sure whether it was my imagination or reality, I damn sure I saw her winked at Jann and brushed her hand smoothly through Jann's arm. Jann did not replied.
"Anyway, I see you around too Ayesha. Bye..." she said happily and walked away.
Too stunned to say anything, I turned to move but was stopped by Jann. She grabbed my hand and I brushed it away.
"Where do you think you going?"asked Jann panicking. "I told you I need to buy some cigarettes at the shop" I answered without looking at her. "I'll go with you,there is no one around" she said.
"No,I'll be fine. You must be exhausted from your fun day out. Go upstairs and get some rest. I will be up soon". I did not wait for her reply and move on. Jann stands there for awhile watching me walk away and soon after I heard the lift door opened and she went it.
I walked slowly to the shop. I clenched my fingers to a fist trying to control my anger within me. Who was she? My God...who was she?
I reached at the shop, grab few boxes of cigarettes and paid the shopowner who already half asleep. I realised I was shaken till my ribs was hurting me. I went and sat down on a chair at the playground. No one is around. I took out one cigarettes and inhaled it slowly. I was trying to calm myself down. All sort of feelings overcomes me. I keep on telling myself. She just a friend...maybe.
I looked up and saw lights was still on from my room. Jann definitely is waiting for me to come back. I inhaled one last time and I put it out. I walked really slowly thinking how to react towards Jann. I went upstairs, open the door. Grab some cold drinks from the fridge and walk to my room. I opened the door and saw Jann already bathe, sitting on the bed waiting for me.
"Hey...we need to talk.."Jann said with a tremor in her voice. Knowing that I have to stay calm in facing the truth, I nodded and close the door behind me.
"Where are you? " I asked trying to stay calm.
"I'm at friend's place " she answered me lazily. She sound as though she has just woken up from a sleep. I looked at my watch and it was already 3pm in the afternoon.
"Which friend? Don't you remember I'm coming back today? Why aren't you at home?" I choose my word carefully as I do not wish to create any arguement with Jann.
"Can I just see you at home? I'm kind of having headache at the moment," she hang up the call before I could say anything else. "Wait Jann!!!" I shouted but the line was already dead.
I sat on my bed and stared into space. She hung up on me. All this years that I was with her she has never done that to me. Even how bad our arguement will be, she will not or never hang up on me. At the moment, I was trying to calm myself down by telling to myself, maybe she just hang out with couple of friends, got tired and sleep there since I'm not at home. I realised that my hand was shaking tremendously. I keep telling myself I was being paranoid. I went out from my room, go to the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee and search for my box of cigarettes.
Took out 1 cigarettes, light it and inhaled it trying to calm myself down. This is ridicillious, I shouldn't being this panicky for no reason.
I grab a magazine and trying to read it. Geez..it doesn't work at all. The insecurity feeling is bothering me like as though there is something going on. No, I should not suspect Jann as though she is having affair. I just left her for a week to be with my dad. Of course she could understand can she? What if the situation is reversed towards her? Well, I will be at home waiting for her to come back, that's for sure. I picked up my phone to call her again but then I stopped. I know Jann. She will get furious if I keep on bothering her with questions. She doesn't like to be question but this waiting for her at home and not knowing what is going on is really bugging me like crazy!
So, I waited. The night came,lying on my bed and stared at the door but Jann still did not appeared at my doorway. All sort of imaginations running through my brain. My heart was thumping loudly and I wonder if my sister can hear it from next room as the house was really silent. All I could hear was my own unstable breathing. Ok, that's it...I need a fag. I got up and search for my cigarettes. All boxes are already empty. I became very agitated, I change my clothes and went out from the house to go to the nearby shop.
I checked whether my sister is already asleep. No sound from her room at all. I sneaked out from the house silently. Went straight to the lift, the lift door opened and I went it. Kind of freaky to be alone at this hour. I pressed "G" and the lift moved downwards. Weird...this lift is damn slow tonight. It reached the ground floor, the door opened ajar and when I was about to a step out from the lift, I looked up and there she was. Jann was standing in front of the lift. Staring and frowning at me. She wasn't alone. She was with somebody. Another girl stood there. I turned my head and looked at the person next to her. Petite, pretty and fair skinned. She look amazing under the dim light. A stranger standing there but there some familiarity about her face. As though I've seen her somewhere. However, this familiarity does not ring any bells in my brain if she was friend of ours, mine or Janns. I never met or seen her before. I looked at her and turn my head to Jann who was now already fidgeting unconsciously.
"Where do you think you going in this middle of the night?" Jann asked, still frowning of course.
" I want to buy some cigarettes. There's none at home " I replied. My eyes turn to the girl who standing beside her. She was smiling at me. I tried to smile backed but somehow or rather my smiling nerves was unfunctional at that moment.
"Ayesha, this is Catherine. Cate, this is Ayesha" Jann was gesturing her towards me. She held out her hand and smiled.
"Hi there, Ayesha. Nice to meet you. Jann told me a lot about you " she said happily. I shaked her hand and nodded. "Nice to meet you too although Jann never mention anything about you," I replied with a smile. Catherine nodded and chuckled.
"So, Jann..I don't think you need an escort to go back upstairs. I think you already on a safe hands now. We shall meet tomorrow for lunch yeah?". I'm not sure whether it was my imagination or reality, I damn sure I saw her winked at Jann and brushed her hand smoothly through Jann's arm. Jann did not replied.
"Anyway, I see you around too Ayesha. Bye..." she said happily and walked away.
Too stunned to say anything, I turned to move but was stopped by Jann. She grabbed my hand and I brushed it away.
"Where do you think you going?"asked Jann panicking. "I told you I need to buy some cigarettes at the shop" I answered without looking at her. "I'll go with you,there is no one around" she said.
"No,I'll be fine. You must be exhausted from your fun day out. Go upstairs and get some rest. I will be up soon". I did not wait for her reply and move on. Jann stands there for awhile watching me walk away and soon after I heard the lift door opened and she went it.
I walked slowly to the shop. I clenched my fingers to a fist trying to control my anger within me. Who was she? My God...who was she?
I reached at the shop, grab few boxes of cigarettes and paid the shopowner who already half asleep. I realised I was shaken till my ribs was hurting me. I went and sat down on a chair at the playground. No one is around. I took out one cigarettes and inhaled it slowly. I was trying to calm myself down. All sort of feelings overcomes me. I keep on telling myself. She just a friend...maybe.
I looked up and saw lights was still on from my room. Jann definitely is waiting for me to come back. I inhaled one last time and I put it out. I walked really slowly thinking how to react towards Jann. I went upstairs, open the door. Grab some cold drinks from the fridge and walk to my room. I opened the door and saw Jann already bathe, sitting on the bed waiting for me.
"Hey...we need to talk.."Jann said with a tremor in her voice. Knowing that I have to stay calm in facing the truth, I nodded and close the door behind me.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Unsatisfaction feelings..
Ok .. I was supposed to continue MY STORY but somehow, I totally went blank...lost in words more like it. Staring at the monitor and listening to a song titled The Call, it does calm me down for awhile there and suddenly my fingers starts to type sentences which my brain nerves gave the instructions to do so. My brain telling me to pour everything out...all my unsatisfaction feeling which any minute will be explode if I ignore it.
Gosh...I am so irritated with my eldest sister, whom always throwing tantrums for no bladdy reason. She always PMS aka Pre Menstrual Stress, which obviously 24 hours. She has this mood swing..one second she can laugh with u happily, one second after that, she will get pissed of suddenly. Weird...could never understand her character.
My mum...pity my mum. Being an old women, sensitivity will get to them easily. So, can u imagine when my sister starts her rumbling? My mum will feel uneasy and she will get upset..n best part of all, my sister doesn't realised all this. Can't she feel a bit appreciated that her mother cooks for her family? Wake up early morning just to prepare food for the kids to pack for school lunch? All she best at....was throwing tantrums. Start nagging if her kitchen doesn't clean as her expectations. Urgghhh...
I have always got the urged to bring my mum back to JB...but being my mother, whom she is....can't bear to live her grandchildren unattended. I told her, just say the word..I will bring u back to hometown right this moment..but nope..she can't bear to leave.
I am not saying my eldest sister a bad person...she just very short tempered person. Small tiny little things can blew her up like a timebomb. For God sake, she is not getting younger. When is she gonna realised what has my mother sacrifice for her...
Most of my friends told me to leave the house..they say why are you still staying there...go out and live on your own. Easier said than done...main thing here is, how can i leave my mum with my sister like that? There is no one she can turn too except with me. I will hold on staying here at my sister's place for her sake. I understood my mum, her refusal to leave this house. Her affection towards the children is unbearable. Told her once, your grandchildren will live, don't worry. Her answers will be, wait till you have kids and grandchildren on your own, you will know what I feel. So...what can i say to that...
Anger, stressed and mentally tired is everything that i have to adhere for my mom sake. Patience is a great virtue i tell you. I prayed everyday asking for more patience and less anger in me to adapt with my sister attitude towards my mum. Alhamdulillah, Allah has been granting me my prayers...more patience.
I wished my sister will realised this situation before it is too late. Too late for even to ask for forgiveness from her own mother.....Masha ALLAH. Let's pray that my sister will come to her senses.....soon...Insya ALLAH....
Gosh...I am so irritated with my eldest sister, whom always throwing tantrums for no bladdy reason. She always PMS aka Pre Menstrual Stress, which obviously 24 hours. She has this mood swing..one second she can laugh with u happily, one second after that, she will get pissed of suddenly. Weird...could never understand her character.
My mum...pity my mum. Being an old women, sensitivity will get to them easily. So, can u imagine when my sister starts her rumbling? My mum will feel uneasy and she will get upset..n best part of all, my sister doesn't realised all this. Can't she feel a bit appreciated that her mother cooks for her family? Wake up early morning just to prepare food for the kids to pack for school lunch? All she best at....was throwing tantrums. Start nagging if her kitchen doesn't clean as her expectations. Urgghhh...
I have always got the urged to bring my mum back to JB...but being my mother, whom she is....can't bear to live her grandchildren unattended. I told her, just say the word..I will bring u back to hometown right this moment..but nope..she can't bear to leave.
I am not saying my eldest sister a bad person...she just very short tempered person. Small tiny little things can blew her up like a timebomb. For God sake, she is not getting younger. When is she gonna realised what has my mother sacrifice for her...
Most of my friends told me to leave the house..they say why are you still staying there...go out and live on your own. Easier said than done...main thing here is, how can i leave my mum with my sister like that? There is no one she can turn too except with me. I will hold on staying here at my sister's place for her sake. I understood my mum, her refusal to leave this house. Her affection towards the children is unbearable. Told her once, your grandchildren will live, don't worry. Her answers will be, wait till you have kids and grandchildren on your own, you will know what I feel. So...what can i say to that...
Anger, stressed and mentally tired is everything that i have to adhere for my mom sake. Patience is a great virtue i tell you. I prayed everyday asking for more patience and less anger in me to adapt with my sister attitude towards my mum. Alhamdulillah, Allah has been granting me my prayers...more patience.
I wished my sister will realised this situation before it is too late. Too late for even to ask for forgiveness from her own mother.....Masha ALLAH. Let's pray that my sister will come to her senses.....soon...Insya ALLAH....
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Someone Watching Over Me by Hilary Duff
I found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
Voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing here in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing here in the dark
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you're fine
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing here in the dark
I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing here in the dark
I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
ooo..ooo..Someone's watching over me
If you want to listen to this song, search for it at YOU TUBE on the right side of this page. Sort of sad song and it this song reminds me of my late father....Al Fatihah...
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
Voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing here in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing here in the dark
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you're fine
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing here in the dark
I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing here in the dark
I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
ooo..ooo..Someone's watching over me
If you want to listen to this song, search for it at YOU TUBE on the right side of this page. Sort of sad song and it this song reminds me of my late father....Al Fatihah...
Friday, January 9, 2009
MY STORY Part III
"Adik, abah suffered a stroke while driving. We have to go back to hometown immediately", I received a call from my sister that afternoon saying that my dad was already in the hospital. Not sure how his condition was. Panic, I packed my clothes and left a message on Jann handphone.
On the way back home, worries overcome me. Please God, don't let anything happened to my dad. I keep on praying till we reach General Hospital. Reaching his ward, I saw my dad sitting on his bed with a frown on his face. As soon as he saw us approaching, he commanded, my sister (yes,whatever my dad says was an instruction not a request)and brother to check him out from the hospital. He could not stand the smell and the treatment. Actually my dad hates the hospital especially the nurses whom he thinks are damn rude. The doctors was reluctant to let him go home as he just suffered a minor heart attack. My brother assures the doctors that he will bring my dad to private practice for further check up.
The funny part was my dad being tricky about the whole hospital thing trying to squeeze himself out from getting further check up. He keep on saying there is nothing wrong with him. I managed to persuade him to go to another hospital and get himself better treatment. At last he felt defeated and was admitted for 3 days at the nearest private hospital.
A week went by and my leaves of absence has required me to go back to work. When I was at hometown, i tried calling Jann many times. Either she said she was busy with work or she was asleep. The day that I went back, she was not around at home. I was expecting that she will wait for me as it was been a week we been separated.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
MY STORY Part II
"Every self will taste death. we test you with both good and evil as a trial. And you will be returned to Us." (Surat Al-Anbiya':35)
Satan whispers into my ear telling me to leave....I left home without turning back. Not even a single compassion in me for my parents. I just don't look back. I actually left home for Jann. I could not imagine how devastating my parents were after finding out that I left without a word. They searched for me everywhere but to no avail, they could not find me. I disappeared and vanished from my family. Never I thought that my dear mother prayed every night hoping I will be at their doorstep again. No sign of me, no calls, no news...I pratically disappeared from the centre of the earth.
Till today, I could not figure out of why I actually willing to leave my family for Jann. What has overcome me at that time. For 2 years I vanished from my family but not a single day I have forgotten about them. I do miss them dearly but then at that time I felt Jann was more important to me than anyone elses. All those time when I left, I pratically homeless. No place to stay and no friends wants to help, not even a job to support myself. I slept in my car, took a shower at a public toilet until one fine day I could not take the pressure any longer. I decided to go home. I guess my mother prayers have been answered. I realised at that time, this is what i call as retribution for going against your parents. What have they done to me that i treated them this way. After making decision to go back, an arguement occured between me and Jann.
"What???Are you crazy? Do you actually think they gonna accept you back?" says Jann angrily. "They will accept me back. They are my family and I'm their youngest daughter and sister, I know my family. They will not abandon me" i shouted back.
" What about us? If you go home...what about us? We took the risk and gone through a lot to be together, are you just gonna let it go?" Jann stared at me desperately trying to make me change my mind.
"Jann, I could not live in this kind of situation anymore. Never we do is right..everything has gone wrong ever since I left home. I lost my job and so do you. How are we gonna support ourselves? You at least has your parents to help you. What about me? I could not stay at your parents house and all my friends hated you so I have no one else to turn too. Please let me go home" said I with tears falling profusely at my cheek.
Jann sighed and stared at me. After a long discussion, she agreed to let me go back to my family. Suddenly, I felt lighthearted knowing that I will be going home. My heart never felt that eased before ever since I left my house 2 years ago. I promised Jann that I will never leave her. I will continue the relationship that we are having despite my family objections. I was too naive that it was stupid and wrong to continue this kind of relationship but yet I love Jann too much to let her go. There is a say, love is blind..for me is the other way around. Love is not blind, people is the one who are blinded by love and could not see the rational of it.
I still remember the day I went home. My parents cried and hugged me as though I just came back from a holiday or came back for a semester break. Not a single question been asked to me. They just glad that I am back home safely. For once in my life, I was glad that I make the right to decision to go back home.
One mistake after another mistake been done, parents will never abandon you. It took me this long to realised the sacfrice that my parents has done for me to make me happy. They accepted Jann in my life. I was shocked the effort that my family willing to do for me as to make me happy. I was happy, everyone is happy. But I still feel insecure. Something amiss as though something is not right. I could not figure out at that moment. I looked up and asked God, what exactly are you playing at? Why are you giving me this leisure so much where as it is forbidden? But never once I wanted to search the real implication behind all this pleasure that has given by HIM. I was too occupied to be happy and lighthearted thinking that everything was.....ok.
With God willing and family support, I stand on my feet again. I've gotten myself a job at one of the biggest bookstores, Jann worked at a coffee cafe.I met new friends whom till today we still keep in touch. Aida, a friend of mine whom I met at work, apparently we became very close and she has been the most helpful and understanding friend that I ever had. We basicly accepted
each other flaws and she was and has been till now always there for me when I needed her and
vice versa. I still remember I was so happy for that few years but yet, it doesn't last. The happiness that I thought will be forever, doesn't last that long after all.
tinued....
Satan whispers into my ear telling me to leave....I left home without turning back. Not even a single compassion in me for my parents. I just don't look back. I actually left home for Jann. I could not imagine how devastating my parents were after finding out that I left without a word. They searched for me everywhere but to no avail, they could not find me. I disappeared and vanished from my family. Never I thought that my dear mother prayed every night hoping I will be at their doorstep again. No sign of me, no calls, no news...I pratically disappeared from the centre of the earth.
Till today, I could not figure out of why I actually willing to leave my family for Jann. What has overcome me at that time. For 2 years I vanished from my family but not a single day I have forgotten about them. I do miss them dearly but then at that time I felt Jann was more important to me than anyone elses. All those time when I left, I pratically homeless. No place to stay and no friends wants to help, not even a job to support myself. I slept in my car, took a shower at a public toilet until one fine day I could not take the pressure any longer. I decided to go home. I guess my mother prayers have been answered. I realised at that time, this is what i call as retribution for going against your parents. What have they done to me that i treated them this way. After making decision to go back, an arguement occured between me and Jann.
"What???Are you crazy? Do you actually think they gonna accept you back?" says Jann angrily. "They will accept me back. They are my family and I'm their youngest daughter and sister, I know my family. They will not abandon me" i shouted back.
" What about us? If you go home...what about us? We took the risk and gone through a lot to be together, are you just gonna let it go?" Jann stared at me desperately trying to make me change my mind.
"Jann, I could not live in this kind of situation anymore. Never we do is right..everything has gone wrong ever since I left home. I lost my job and so do you. How are we gonna support ourselves? You at least has your parents to help you. What about me? I could not stay at your parents house and all my friends hated you so I have no one else to turn too. Please let me go home" said I with tears falling profusely at my cheek.
Jann sighed and stared at me. After a long discussion, she agreed to let me go back to my family. Suddenly, I felt lighthearted knowing that I will be going home. My heart never felt that eased before ever since I left my house 2 years ago. I promised Jann that I will never leave her. I will continue the relationship that we are having despite my family objections. I was too naive that it was stupid and wrong to continue this kind of relationship but yet I love Jann too much to let her go. There is a say, love is blind..for me is the other way around. Love is not blind, people is the one who are blinded by love and could not see the rational of it.
I still remember the day I went home. My parents cried and hugged me as though I just came back from a holiday or came back for a semester break. Not a single question been asked to me. They just glad that I am back home safely. For once in my life, I was glad that I make the right to decision to go back home.
One mistake after another mistake been done, parents will never abandon you. It took me this long to realised the sacfrice that my parents has done for me to make me happy. They accepted Jann in my life. I was shocked the effort that my family willing to do for me as to make me happy. I was happy, everyone is happy. But I still feel insecure. Something amiss as though something is not right. I could not figure out at that moment. I looked up and asked God, what exactly are you playing at? Why are you giving me this leisure so much where as it is forbidden? But never once I wanted to search the real implication behind all this pleasure that has given by HIM. I was too occupied to be happy and lighthearted thinking that everything was.....ok.
With God willing and family support, I stand on my feet again. I've gotten myself a job at one of the biggest bookstores, Jann worked at a coffee cafe.I met new friends whom till today we still keep in touch. Aida, a friend of mine whom I met at work, apparently we became very close and she has been the most helpful and understanding friend that I ever had. We basicly accepted
each other flaws and she was and has been till now always there for me when I needed her and
vice versa. I still remember I was so happy for that few years but yet, it doesn't last. The happiness that I thought will be forever, doesn't last that long after all.
tinued....
MY STORY Part 1
I have always wanted to write. There is a say, to write well, you must write what you know. After so much of deliberation and hesitation, I know one particular story which I myself familiar with. I have decided to write my own true actual event tales.
The story that I am about to tell you was not something that I am very proud of and to get into the memory lane, it was not a very easy task for me. However, my story need to be revealed.
My name is Ayesha and I am the youngest in the family. I have 2 elder sister and a brother whom of course we shared love and hatred relationship. Ever since I was small, I have always been alone. I guess because the age gap between me and my siblings are quite far apart which makes me the lone ranger.
When I was 6 years old, my eldest sister went to London to further her studies and she only came back when I was 12 years old and got married soon after that. My 2nd sister and brother left for college when I was still at primary school. So, being lonely and alone was always in my vocabulary.
Growing up with no sister and brother with me most of the time,I am closer to my parents but although there is a closeness with them, I am more to silent mode. To my parents, I am always their sweet little girl and very obedient. Guess they always think, 'adik" will never attempt to do anything ridicillious or create a havoc. I think I have proven them wrong. I have always represented myself to be goody two shoes till 10 years ago when everything begins. The beginning of a nightmare which till today I could never erased it from my memory.
10 years ago, I met somebody. Never to realised that this 'somebody' will inflict injuries which the wound is too deep for me to be healed. I have gotten myself involved in a forbidden love. The love that has been condemned by God himself and as far I am concerned, I have been punished till to this day. I guess you must wondering, what kind of love I get myself into. Was it to orthodox Christian man or did I convert myself to another religion beside Muslim. No, nothing of that sort. I was in love with another women. Yes, I was in a relationship with a women. It takes me one heck of courage to admit that I was a lesbian. It took me 9 years to confess to a therapist what was I before.
Jann was introduced to me by a friend at a party. At that time, I was with a guy, I guess I can call him my boyfriend although until today i could not be sure whether it was love or the idea of him being my boyfriend is just one of the reason I want him to be around. When I started going out with Jann, my relationship with my boyfriend is already at the brick of breaking up. Ignoring my friends advises, I keep going out with Jann until one night my friend, Sonia came up and told me that I was playing with fire if I carry on this whatever I call it.
" What are you talking about? I am just having fun with Jann. Besides, Daniel iritates me like hell. He always late whenever we going for a movie, I have to wait for him at least 3 hours just to have lunch with him." I snapped at Sonia for bringing the matter up.
" Jann is definitely in love with you. Don't you actually realise that? The way she look at you, the way she gets up whenever you came to the table. Oh for heaven sake, don't tell me you didn't see that?" says Sonia angryly.
I glared at Sonia and refused to admit that what she says was true. "This is ridicilious Sonia, she is a women and i heard she is already in a relationship with I think a school girl..hmm..forgot her name tho'..." I sighed.
"Look Ayesha, Jann was my schoolmate and i know what she is. I just need you to be careful. She is too good looking even as a girl. Like we always says, if she become a guy, she will look handsome and if she became a girl, she will look damn beautiful. Most of the girls in my school head over heels over her so please be extra careful. Please do not get yourself into trouble because of her!".. I just shrugged and looked away. I still remember that particular conversation till today.
Honestly, when Sonia warned me about Jann at that time, it had never crossed my mind that I will get myself involved in a lesbian relationship. Going out with Jann was different, she treats you like how a lady should be treated and I did not get that from my boyfriend. At first,falling in love was never on my list with Jann, I guess at that time I thought it was more to infactuation than love. But my thought was wrong. Recently, a friend told me this "devils" plays their role very well as a Satan, they will do anything just to lead you astray and if they can't get to you directly, they will get to you indirectly. In this case,I guess the devils had hit the jackpot once i start to develop unusual feelings towards Jann.
Day after day, month after month, I grew to love her more. Everyday I will wait anxiously for her to pick me up to go to work. Lunch together, goes to movies together, in fact we do everything together. Not a single day,we will be separated. I was blinded with her endlessly affection towards me that I never to realised that I have still my family to think about. At that time everything was Jann. As though my life will be useless in this world without her existing in it.
To be continued....
The story that I am about to tell you was not something that I am very proud of and to get into the memory lane, it was not a very easy task for me. However, my story need to be revealed.
My name is Ayesha and I am the youngest in the family. I have 2 elder sister and a brother whom of course we shared love and hatred relationship. Ever since I was small, I have always been alone. I guess because the age gap between me and my siblings are quite far apart which makes me the lone ranger.
When I was 6 years old, my eldest sister went to London to further her studies and she only came back when I was 12 years old and got married soon after that. My 2nd sister and brother left for college when I was still at primary school. So, being lonely and alone was always in my vocabulary.
Growing up with no sister and brother with me most of the time,I am closer to my parents but although there is a closeness with them, I am more to silent mode. To my parents, I am always their sweet little girl and very obedient. Guess they always think, 'adik" will never attempt to do anything ridicillious or create a havoc. I think I have proven them wrong. I have always represented myself to be goody two shoes till 10 years ago when everything begins. The beginning of a nightmare which till today I could never erased it from my memory.
10 years ago, I met somebody. Never to realised that this 'somebody' will inflict injuries which the wound is too deep for me to be healed. I have gotten myself involved in a forbidden love. The love that has been condemned by God himself and as far I am concerned, I have been punished till to this day. I guess you must wondering, what kind of love I get myself into. Was it to orthodox Christian man or did I convert myself to another religion beside Muslim. No, nothing of that sort. I was in love with another women. Yes, I was in a relationship with a women. It takes me one heck of courage to admit that I was a lesbian. It took me 9 years to confess to a therapist what was I before.
Jann was introduced to me by a friend at a party. At that time, I was with a guy, I guess I can call him my boyfriend although until today i could not be sure whether it was love or the idea of him being my boyfriend is just one of the reason I want him to be around. When I started going out with Jann, my relationship with my boyfriend is already at the brick of breaking up. Ignoring my friends advises, I keep going out with Jann until one night my friend, Sonia came up and told me that I was playing with fire if I carry on this whatever I call it.
" What are you talking about? I am just having fun with Jann. Besides, Daniel iritates me like hell. He always late whenever we going for a movie, I have to wait for him at least 3 hours just to have lunch with him." I snapped at Sonia for bringing the matter up.
" Jann is definitely in love with you. Don't you actually realise that? The way she look at you, the way she gets up whenever you came to the table. Oh for heaven sake, don't tell me you didn't see that?" says Sonia angryly.
I glared at Sonia and refused to admit that what she says was true. "This is ridicilious Sonia, she is a women and i heard she is already in a relationship with I think a school girl..hmm..forgot her name tho'..." I sighed.
"Look Ayesha, Jann was my schoolmate and i know what she is. I just need you to be careful. She is too good looking even as a girl. Like we always says, if she become a guy, she will look handsome and if she became a girl, she will look damn beautiful. Most of the girls in my school head over heels over her so please be extra careful. Please do not get yourself into trouble because of her!".. I just shrugged and looked away. I still remember that particular conversation till today.
Honestly, when Sonia warned me about Jann at that time, it had never crossed my mind that I will get myself involved in a lesbian relationship. Going out with Jann was different, she treats you like how a lady should be treated and I did not get that from my boyfriend. At first,falling in love was never on my list with Jann, I guess at that time I thought it was more to infactuation than love. But my thought was wrong. Recently, a friend told me this "devils" plays their role very well as a Satan, they will do anything just to lead you astray and if they can't get to you directly, they will get to you indirectly. In this case,I guess the devils had hit the jackpot once i start to develop unusual feelings towards Jann.
Day after day, month after month, I grew to love her more. Everyday I will wait anxiously for her to pick me up to go to work. Lunch together, goes to movies together, in fact we do everything together. Not a single day,we will be separated. I was blinded with her endlessly affection towards me that I never to realised that I have still my family to think about. At that time everything was Jann. As though my life will be useless in this world without her existing in it.
To be continued....
Monday, January 5, 2009
Must see movie...AUSTRALIA
Went and watch this movie yesterday..it was a damn gud movie i can say. The storyline was great and of coz the cinematography of it. The way they capture the sunrise and sunset..it was breathtaking beautiful. Honestly, I cried..hehe..sad to admit it does effect me badly. So not because of the love story..it is more to the family values and the strong belief of their tradition.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Waking Up
"Time Passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me. "
Adaption from a book titled New Moon, by Stephenie Meyer.
I never knew an author name Stephanie Meyer until recently i watched Twilight which her international bestseller been made as a movie. So, i began to read her 2nd book, New Moon the continuation of Twilight and there is 2 more that need for me to finish.
It surprises me instantly that this book has captured my heart from the start i read it. Nope...not because of the love story...it is because of the way the author wrote it, the way she explain how exactly the characters feels. I have been looking for an author whom can write like or indirectly similar to Jane Austen.
The adaption that i quoted above, somehow or rather wake me up about certain matters. No matter how bad the situation is, time will pass and our wounded of hearts will be healed but yet the scar will always be there. I have gone through certain incidents, which of course i do not wish to remind myself of it but yet it realises me that all the bad experiences in the past has matures me in a way.
It is time for me to wake up....wake up into a reality and one thing for sure, how hurt we felt, how deep we fell, no one will be able to heal it except our own self.
Adaption from a book titled New Moon, by Stephenie Meyer.
I never knew an author name Stephanie Meyer until recently i watched Twilight which her international bestseller been made as a movie. So, i began to read her 2nd book, New Moon the continuation of Twilight and there is 2 more that need for me to finish.
It surprises me instantly that this book has captured my heart from the start i read it. Nope...not because of the love story...it is because of the way the author wrote it, the way she explain how exactly the characters feels. I have been looking for an author whom can write like or indirectly similar to Jane Austen.
The adaption that i quoted above, somehow or rather wake me up about certain matters. No matter how bad the situation is, time will pass and our wounded of hearts will be healed but yet the scar will always be there. I have gone through certain incidents, which of course i do not wish to remind myself of it but yet it realises me that all the bad experiences in the past has matures me in a way.
It is time for me to wake up....wake up into a reality and one thing for sure, how hurt we felt, how deep we fell, no one will be able to heal it except our own self.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Do What You Have To Do And You Get To Do What You Want
"Do what you have to do and you get to do what you want to do"quote by Denzel Washington...Ok..I was supposed to write the meaning of this quote and i totally forgot about it. I heard this versed when I was watching Oprah Winfrey Show sometime last month. She was interviewing Denzel Washington for his own directing movie, The Great Debaters..can't wait for that show to be released.
What does it mean behind this line? I guess..no matter where or who you are, education is important for everyone. I used to believed that experience plays the vital role in our life but yet without education and knowledge, we could be left behind. Even then, it is so sad to say that graduates nowadays are so stuck up with their certificate or what we call it "Degree Holder" or "Master Holder" that they refuse to work from below. Once they graduate, they straight away wants a managerial role or at least an executive level. What upsetting me the most is that, most of them...i am not saying all of them....they could not do their work properly. They may booksmart but totally not streetsmart..
Education...i agree are very important for everybody as ME, myself still learning a lot of things. "Degree" is a just a paper...a ticket for you to get a job..but in order to be successful, that is from within yourself. You can have every paper that University held for you but if you such a loser in your job..geez.
Well... education and gain experience should be balance. I guess not everybody realise it that it is a real world out there. No one is going to help you unless you help yourself...
What does it mean behind this line? I guess..no matter where or who you are, education is important for everyone. I used to believed that experience plays the vital role in our life but yet without education and knowledge, we could be left behind. Even then, it is so sad to say that graduates nowadays are so stuck up with their certificate or what we call it "Degree Holder" or "Master Holder" that they refuse to work from below. Once they graduate, they straight away wants a managerial role or at least an executive level. What upsetting me the most is that, most of them...i am not saying all of them....they could not do their work properly. They may booksmart but totally not streetsmart..
Education...i agree are very important for everybody as ME, myself still learning a lot of things. "Degree" is a just a paper...a ticket for you to get a job..but in order to be successful, that is from within yourself. You can have every paper that University held for you but if you such a loser in your job..geez.
Well... education and gain experience should be balance. I guess not everybody realise it that it is a real world out there. No one is going to help you unless you help yourself...
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The Beginning
Ok..hmm..what should i write here? my nephew insisted that i have a blog also so wht the heck...might as well. Today is the begining of 2009 and the end of 2008, wht do i expect for this year? honestly....a peace in my heart. I have been having this unsecure and restless life all this time so now i decided i have to change my life. I need to improve myself in islamic way...i have gone astray for so long and its time to put my foot down. I have done a lot of ...well...bad things. There is no words to describe of what i have done.
A promise was made to a friend that i will try to write a book this year..the problem is now, to write in english or malay? Not many malay writers succeed internationally..i guess i have to try.
I told myself this year, i need to write...at least a journey of my life, past and present.
So till then dear bloggers, i will continue my writing when the time is on my side.
Cheerios
A promise was made to a friend that i will try to write a book this year..the problem is now, to write in english or malay? Not many malay writers succeed internationally..i guess i have to try.
I told myself this year, i need to write...at least a journey of my life, past and present.
So till then dear bloggers, i will continue my writing when the time is on my side.
Cheerios
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