MY STORY Part IV

"Allrite then, talk.." I said after gulping one whole glass of cold water.

"Look, can you not judge anything even before I say anything yet?", Jann got up and grab the cigarettes from my hand and start smoking. I just could not understand of why she was feeling very agitated where as I have not say anything yet.

"What do you mean I judged you. I don't even accused you of anything..." I said with a frown on my face.

"Yet...you have not accused me yet. I know you will. Your expression tells me everything and yes of course.. not forgetting your tone. I know that tone. The tone of anger and suspicions " says Jann.

I did not reply to her accusations instead I looked at Jann with a wonder. What exactly is she trying to hide? Why is it everytime there is any arguement occured, she will shift the blame on me? Why?

"Jann, you told me, we have to talk so I said..then let's talk, what is so wrong of me to say that?" I sighed and shake my head. I got up from the bed and walk to my drawer to change my clothes. After a long silence in the room, suddenly Jann's voice came from the corner of the bed.

"Cate is my cousin,Ayesha. Do you remember the message I sent you that mummy and daddy came up here when you visiting your dad back home? Well, it seems mummy set a dinner gathering with her long lost time relative. Apparently,Cate's father is related to granny so we sort of starts from there. It's like Cate and I are connected. You know very well that I never get along with any of my relative not even my own brother so we became close. We went out together and spent the night at her place most of time when you were not around" says Jann without a paused.

I took a deep breath not knowing how to react to this statement. Somehow or rather,the statement that she makes does not seem right. "It's like Cate and I are connected", those exact words are ringing in my ears.

"You went out and stay at her place most of the time when I was not around?" I asked trying to control my emotions.
"Yes and no. Sometimes we came back here to watch movies together and she slept over" said Jann while exhaling the smoke from her lungs.
"She stayed over?Here? In my house and in my room...here?And all this time..I mean this whole week..you don't have the bladdy initiative to let me know about her? Not even a message?" I realised my lips quivered when those sentences came out from me.
"DON'T START....I've told you that she is just my cousin...I mean a long lost cousin whom somehow got closed too. There is no need for you to be this... paranoid.." Jann got up and switch on the TV.

I was trembling. I do not know of why I'm feeling this way. Was it anger that I was shaking this bad? Look at her,she seems so innocent as if she has not done any faults. Maybe I was being paranoid. Maybe I was feeling very tired due to my dad and journey back home. Maybe I was missing her so much that she don't seem to bothered. Maybe I was jealous that she has a new friend to turn too. Ok..I am doing it again. I am being paranoid for nothing. Maybe it is true they are not having affair. Affair...what an awkward word for this kind of relationship.

Suddenly Jann's phone rang. She got up in haste afraid that I will reach her phone first. Who on earth will call her in this middle of the night?I barely hear her voice. She was whispering through the phone as though there are some secrets to talk without me knowing me about it. I was pretending to ignore her conversation with the person on the line. It was kind of difficult not to eavesdrop as we were in a same room. I looked at the clock above me, it's already nearly 2am. Who could that be?

I lie down on my bed and waited. After 10 minutes, she hang up the phone, switch off the tv and lie down next to me. I was trying to stop myself from questioning her but curiousity is killing me.

"Who was it?" I asked trying to hide my suspicion.
"Cate.." Jann replied without further explaination. I can't help myself, need to asked.
"What does she want?" yet again trying to composed myself.
"She called just to confirm the lunch we supposed to have tomorrow..i mean later" she answered.
"And does she have to call now? Why can't she call later ..maybe breakfast time or so?" I realised I was going overboard with all this questioning but heck, I couldn't help myself.
"Ayesha..enough. I am tired and so does you. Get some sleep, you got work to go too later". From her tone of voice, I know she was trying to avoid further instigation from me.
"What shift are you in tomorrow?" I asked trying to control the situation again.
"I'm off tomorrow. I'm meeting Cate for lunch then we gonna catch movies later" she replied without any guilty conscience.I was dumbfounded. I did not reply or asked any more questions.

I remember I could not get any sleep that night. I lie wide awake and start to think. Thinking... this is it..my worst fear has arrived. The feeling that I fear the most.....my suspicion and strong instinct of knowing something is wrong. The fear of knowing that every instinct has always come true. I really hate this feeling. The feeling that I despised the most. But yet, only through this feeling, I tend to know the truth, no matter how hurtful it will be.

In the darkness and silent of the night, all I could hear was Jann slow breathing.She was sleeping so soundly as though everything was fine. I got up from my bed and went out to the living room. I sat on the couch in the dark and start to smoke. No matter what I do or how much I tried to ignore it, the heavy feeling is still in me. I could not understand why does that girl appearance affected me so badly? But most of all, I felt hurt that Jann did not asked anything about my dad's condition or how am I dealing with the situation. Yes, I was very sad and disappointed with her on that.

I do not know how long I was awake or fell asleep, suddenly I felt someone's hand tapping me on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw Jann sleepy eyes looking at me.
"Why are you sleeping out here? Aren't you gonna go to work?It's nearly 8am " she said.
I shrugged and got up. Geez...I felt my head was heavy as though there is a stone sitting on it. It's been a week, I could not get proper sleep. It took me awhile to adjust myself and remembering what happened last night or this morning more like it. I looked up and saw Jann waiting for me.
"I'm up and yep..I'm going to work" I answered. I got up and walked passed her. I grab my towel and have a quick shower. I went into the room to get dressed and saw Jann was texting on her phone. Hmm...damn early to be messaging. I ignored her, get dressed quickly and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. That will do it. Coffee will brightened my day, I hope.
After I fill up my body with coffee and cigarettes, I went to the room one more time to grab my bag. She still texting. I composed myself not to get overeact.

"Ok, I'm going now. I see you later alrite.." I leaned over and kiss her on the cheek. She nod her head and smile.
"Have fun at work and send my regards to Aida" she replied. I shrugged and went out from the house.

Aida...yes, aida...I need to talk to her. I need to let this whatever feeling I'm having now out or away from me. I hastely running through the staircase without bothering to take the lift.
I wasn't looking and nearly knocked my own sister downstairs.
"Oi..why are you in hurry?" she said shouting behind my back
"I'm late...that's why!" I shouted at her back. She just shaked her head and walk off into the lift.
Late? I wasn't late..I was trying to get to the office early so that I could talk to Aida. I can't wait to tell her that's for sure.

A cab passing by, I held my hand to stop it. The cab slowed down and the driver wind down the window.
"To Megamall sir?" I asked hopefully. The cab driver nodded and I went in. He accelarate and I looked back at my apartment and wonder. What is going on exactly? God...what are you trying to tell me?