I could not believe it. Our own General Manager,the so called Papa Lua in our BEST team was the culprit. He was the cause of the destructions. He actually burnt the MPH Headquarters down.
I received the news during spending the raya holidays at JB.Too shocked with the news, I tried telling myself that somebody is trying to frame him but nevertheless, he was the one whom surrendered himself to the police. My mind went blank. Depression that he is going through has lead himself to destructions. There were too many rumours speculates the stories. But as for me, I truly understood what exactly he is going through. Stresses can caused you to do things beyond imaginable. It can even give you the strength and bravery that you can never think of. You will dare to do anything.
Ben and I had a talked. There was nothing that can be done. We can only pray for him that everything will be okay for him. I am not saying that it was not wrong for him to do so but the thing is a normal person won't be doing this if the feeling was not provoked repeatedly intentionally.
I really hope that this event will be a lesson to all of us.
I could not bring my heart to continue writing about this event. It is too heartbreaking...
Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Amazingly..2 events had occured within 2 weeks..
Amazingly..2 different kinds of events has occured within 2 weeks in Ramadhan month but somehow or rather I find both
situation are related. when everybody was so happy of getting their yearly bonus,unfortunately for me that I was not among
the lucky ones to receive it. As what the Management calls it.."due to lack of performance" aka "of what happened in Alamanda bookfair before this. oh well..bullshit..all this time..the events..who has make it work? Me or HANTU MPH?
Hmm..yes,i was very frustrated and i was very angry when the day that I went to the bank and realised that only my basic salary was in. Confusion overcomes me and first thing that came into my mind was "Why the heck they did not inform me about this? why did they let me stupidly and excitedly check the account and realised it was 'zero'? I remembered no one was able to comfort me. They were speechless. They do not know how to help except keep telling me to be patient. Don't go and directly 'serang' them..relax urself first..that was the only sentences that are able to come out from their mouth.
But yet, Alhamdulillah...i managed to control my anger by going to surau and pray. At that moment, i prayed to Allah to give me the strength to go through and overcome this problem. After gaining the complete strength,i went upstairs and demand my immediate boss to explain. I still remember how difficult it was for him to create a simple sentences to explain.oh yes..expected..the answer will be becoz of Alamanda case...it was unfair to punish me twice but yet management doesn't look at that way, they look at your performance..i answered "oh really? Which part that i was not performing? I make sure the Karnival Mutiara Minda was up for the first time ever and I handled it myself within 1 month..I helped you sir,to make sure the Jim Rogers seminar to be reality..so are u telling me i was not performing enough? In what way should i prove it somemore sir?" He was speechless and could not answer. Immediately, i requested to take half day and leave before I trash everything out. It took me at least 1 week to calm myself down.
After exactly 2 weeks this event took place...on Monday morning, I was driving to work and reaching at the office, I saw fire brigade was around. I was wondering,which office level was on fire. Unknown to me,i was told by the warehouse staff that MPH got burnt down..i looked at him and say " u kidding me rite"...why should in the time like this? I look up and saw the window nearer my place was broken..i said to myself.."oh dear..this is what i called as karma"...all of us look up and speechless...
- to be continued -
situation are related. when everybody was so happy of getting their yearly bonus,unfortunately for me that I was not among
the lucky ones to receive it. As what the Management calls it.."due to lack of performance" aka "of what happened in Alamanda bookfair before this. oh well..bullshit..all this time..the events..who has make it work? Me or HANTU MPH?
Hmm..yes,i was very frustrated and i was very angry when the day that I went to the bank and realised that only my basic salary was in. Confusion overcomes me and first thing that came into my mind was "Why the heck they did not inform me about this? why did they let me stupidly and excitedly check the account and realised it was 'zero'? I remembered no one was able to comfort me. They were speechless. They do not know how to help except keep telling me to be patient. Don't go and directly 'serang' them..relax urself first..that was the only sentences that are able to come out from their mouth.
But yet, Alhamdulillah...i managed to control my anger by going to surau and pray. At that moment, i prayed to Allah to give me the strength to go through and overcome this problem. After gaining the complete strength,i went upstairs and demand my immediate boss to explain. I still remember how difficult it was for him to create a simple sentences to explain.oh yes..expected..the answer will be becoz of Alamanda case...it was unfair to punish me twice but yet management doesn't look at that way, they look at your performance..i answered "oh really? Which part that i was not performing? I make sure the Karnival Mutiara Minda was up for the first time ever and I handled it myself within 1 month..I helped you sir,to make sure the Jim Rogers seminar to be reality..so are u telling me i was not performing enough? In what way should i prove it somemore sir?" He was speechless and could not answer. Immediately, i requested to take half day and leave before I trash everything out. It took me at least 1 week to calm myself down.
After exactly 2 weeks this event took place...on Monday morning, I was driving to work and reaching at the office, I saw fire brigade was around. I was wondering,which office level was on fire. Unknown to me,i was told by the warehouse staff that MPH got burnt down..i looked at him and say " u kidding me rite"...why should in the time like this? I look up and saw the window nearer my place was broken..i said to myself.."oh dear..this is what i called as karma"...all of us look up and speechless...
- to be continued -
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Bored to death..
ok...it is only 10am and I'm already bored at work and the best part is I can't eat because I'm fasting. It doubles up my boredom...today is Friday and I can't help it to feel so lazy.
Hmm..i look around and saw Suziani,my colleague aka good friend of mine is too not having the mood to work. She is browsing the internet instead of doing her work and she keep on babbling saying that "oh dear,i got a lot of work to do.." yea,,very a lot work to do but have time to sneak n peek the internet...hahhahaa..basicly,it is just plain lazy for some of us.
As for another colleague of mine, Affendy....non stop asking the most famous question ever from yesterday or in fact from last week, when will we be getting bonus or will we ever get the bonus or how much will we be getting and of course his famous statement.."korang tak sabar la tu nak dapat" which in fact it was him who is so eager to get it...i think most of them will get crazy if the bonus is not in by today.
And of course my dear boss who is so soft spoken and love to repeat himself and I seriously can get crazy due overdose of repetition information. ARGGGHHHHH!!!..HELP!!!
Sabariah..my 10 years colleague aka good friend too..she is now based in HQ at Accounts Dept under the authority of Mr Soo aka Mr Frown (always frown his forehead as though the world is gonna collapse soon). ok back to Sabariah..her hobby..she loves to intercom just to avoid herself falling asleep and favorite sentences lately "ada apa2 ceta ke psl bonus?" yet again, the story of the month is MISS BONUS..aih..
Upfront,sitted is Hanif who is happily listening to his MP3 and 'konon' buat proposal which I myself wondered,it still not finish yet? Besides him of course, my dear godsister,Musannafa whom very engrossed with her work, i think even a bomb falls down at her side, she won't realise it...oh well..as usual, she always the quiet one in the group.
So there you go...apart from being bored to death at work, i still manage to use my fingers and type something at this wall pretending finishing up my proposals or writing emails to potential sponsors.
Ok now...i have to go before my boss questioned me, how is ur proposal coming along???hehehe...shall write again once the bonus is in...that will be delightful event seeing the unsatisfaction faces later on..hahhahaha...cheerios!
Hmm..i look around and saw Suziani,my colleague aka good friend of mine is too not having the mood to work. She is browsing the internet instead of doing her work and she keep on babbling saying that "oh dear,i got a lot of work to do.." yea,,very a lot work to do but have time to sneak n peek the internet...hahhahaa..basicly,it is just plain lazy for some of us.
As for another colleague of mine, Affendy....non stop asking the most famous question ever from yesterday or in fact from last week, when will we be getting bonus or will we ever get the bonus or how much will we be getting and of course his famous statement.."korang tak sabar la tu nak dapat" which in fact it was him who is so eager to get it...i think most of them will get crazy if the bonus is not in by today.
And of course my dear boss who is so soft spoken and love to repeat himself and I seriously can get crazy due overdose of repetition information. ARGGGHHHHH!!!..HELP!!!
Sabariah..my 10 years colleague aka good friend too..she is now based in HQ at Accounts Dept under the authority of Mr Soo aka Mr Frown (always frown his forehead as though the world is gonna collapse soon). ok back to Sabariah..her hobby..she loves to intercom just to avoid herself falling asleep and favorite sentences lately "ada apa2 ceta ke psl bonus?" yet again, the story of the month is MISS BONUS..aih..
Upfront,sitted is Hanif who is happily listening to his MP3 and 'konon' buat proposal which I myself wondered,it still not finish yet? Besides him of course, my dear godsister,Musannafa whom very engrossed with her work, i think even a bomb falls down at her side, she won't realise it...oh well..as usual, she always the quiet one in the group.
So there you go...apart from being bored to death at work, i still manage to use my fingers and type something at this wall pretending finishing up my proposals or writing emails to potential sponsors.
Ok now...i have to go before my boss questioned me, how is ur proposal coming along???hehehe...shall write again once the bonus is in...that will be delightful event seeing the unsatisfaction faces later on..hahhahaha...cheerios!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The sacred month..Ramadhan
Ramadhan...the most anticipating month that all Muslim's awaits every year. And today, the very first day of Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah I am still alive to go through it again. Only once a year, we are able to sahur,fasting and go for Terawih prayers for exactly 30 days non stop. We are lucky to survive to see this day again.
Exactly 1 week the fasting days has passed and another 3 more weeks we got left to seek for HIS forgiveness and repent for all our mistakes and try to be a better person. I make a promise to myself and to ALLAH that I will try my very best to fast all 30 days and complete my 5 times prayers, Terawih, recites Al Quran and "zikir".
My wish to go to Mecca to perform Umrah during the fasting month this year was cancelled. I have to settle few matters here before I can really go again. And if God willing, if again I manage to look at Kaabah,I will pray that I don't have to come back here. I want to stay there. Yes...i do want that..insyallah.
So well...happy fasting and may u be blessed by ALLAH S.W.T always..:)...Ameeennn...
Exactly 1 week the fasting days has passed and another 3 more weeks we got left to seek for HIS forgiveness and repent for all our mistakes and try to be a better person. I make a promise to myself and to ALLAH that I will try my very best to fast all 30 days and complete my 5 times prayers, Terawih, recites Al Quran and "zikir".
My wish to go to Mecca to perform Umrah during the fasting month this year was cancelled. I have to settle few matters here before I can really go again. And if God willing, if again I manage to look at Kaabah,I will pray that I don't have to come back here. I want to stay there. Yes...i do want that..insyallah.
So well...happy fasting and may u be blessed by ALLAH S.W.T always..:)...Ameeennn...
Monday, July 26, 2010
Numbness
Honestly, I do not know how to begin telling the story. A certain situation I faced this morning has proven that even though blood is thicker than water, it doesn't mean they are not going to be cruel towards you.
I feel the numbness and hollowness in me. Numbness because I am so used of my siblings amazingly treated me as though I don't exist in this world. Hollowness because I really feel the emptiness which I have always wondered who will be filling it up in my heart.
All I have now is my mother. She knows every single thing of what is happening in my life and my problem that I am facing and the changes in me. She is my bestfriend and companion, without her, I will be lost. If she leaves this world, I will leave too. I could not depend on my siblings for support in terms of mentally or physically. They have always doubts in me. I am and always will be the "bad guy" in the family. I am not saying my sisters and brother are bad people. They are good people. They have been there when I needed them but it wasn't enough. In simple Malay word "keikhlasan" is not within them. "Keikhlasan" has always been the issue within us the siblings. It has never been, "it is okay"...I "ikhlas" to give you or do this for you. It is always turn back to.."I've helped you before this or I have given you before this so you need to pay me back". I am proud to have them as my siblings. They have succeed in life and career. But is it enough?
Money and wealth is my enemy ever since the day I learnt to hold my own money. It destroys you and good relationship with the ones who closest to you. No money you are pest with your siblings. Money will always be the issue in siblings rivalry. I seriously hate it.
I hope my sister and brother will wake up. Wake up in the reality that whatever goes around comes around. They may be calculative towards me now but who knows what is going to happen in future,only ALLAH will know best. They may think they are trying to make me be responsible but am I not? Paying all the debts as how I can and be there for my mother mentally? Oh well...they do not know that. Like I said, I have always been the "bad guy" and will always be that in the dictionary.
I will definitely leave this family once my mother leaves this world, that will be my promise. Each one of them has their own family and I will lead mine to learn more in ALLAH ways. I don't need them after what my brother and sister shown to me...no..correction...what Allah has shown me the real them. What has wealth and status has make them...
So when people says, "blood is thicker than water", is a bullshit concept for me. If bloodline does not includes with compassion and "keikhlasan"...hahhaha...then there is no blood then....END
I feel the numbness and hollowness in me. Numbness because I am so used of my siblings amazingly treated me as though I don't exist in this world. Hollowness because I really feel the emptiness which I have always wondered who will be filling it up in my heart.
All I have now is my mother. She knows every single thing of what is happening in my life and my problem that I am facing and the changes in me. She is my bestfriend and companion, without her, I will be lost. If she leaves this world, I will leave too. I could not depend on my siblings for support in terms of mentally or physically. They have always doubts in me. I am and always will be the "bad guy" in the family. I am not saying my sisters and brother are bad people. They are good people. They have been there when I needed them but it wasn't enough. In simple Malay word "keikhlasan" is not within them. "Keikhlasan" has always been the issue within us the siblings. It has never been, "it is okay"...I "ikhlas" to give you or do this for you. It is always turn back to.."I've helped you before this or I have given you before this so you need to pay me back". I am proud to have them as my siblings. They have succeed in life and career. But is it enough?
Money and wealth is my enemy ever since the day I learnt to hold my own money. It destroys you and good relationship with the ones who closest to you. No money you are pest with your siblings. Money will always be the issue in siblings rivalry. I seriously hate it.
I hope my sister and brother will wake up. Wake up in the reality that whatever goes around comes around. They may be calculative towards me now but who knows what is going to happen in future,only ALLAH will know best. They may think they are trying to make me be responsible but am I not? Paying all the debts as how I can and be there for my mother mentally? Oh well...they do not know that. Like I said, I have always been the "bad guy" and will always be that in the dictionary.
I will definitely leave this family once my mother leaves this world, that will be my promise. Each one of them has their own family and I will lead mine to learn more in ALLAH ways. I don't need them after what my brother and sister shown to me...no..correction...what Allah has shown me the real them. What has wealth and status has make them...
So when people says, "blood is thicker than water", is a bullshit concept for me. If bloodline does not includes with compassion and "keikhlasan"...hahhaha...then there is no blood then....END
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Unexpected character for unexpected people
It is weird though that when a highly educated people or very religious people tends not to have compassion in them rather than we are whom I called in a simple English 'normal' people. I called it as 'normal' for certain people because we do not attend too many religious classes, did not have so many pious friends but in fact we can be more compassion in heart and not rude towards others. Weird...
Yes,I've seen this so many times and I wonder what have they learned during their classes or when they recite Al Quran. Islam does not determined someones character in just in performing their 5 times prayers or fasting or wearing a hijab. Compassions in your heart does determined also whether you are good Muslim. You can mesmerized the whole Al Quran and you never fail in performing your prayers but if there is a dark side in your heart,what good does it make you?
I am glad that I am 'normal'. I am thankful that ALLAH is always there to guide me and let me see the real world. I have gone through enough situations which makes me realised that no matter what happen, it will turn back to yourself. I was a cruel person. I was a bad tempered person but yet, those character does not lead me anywhere. It leads me to more depressed feelings to the extend that I wish that I was never born to this world. But Allah loves me enough to show me the way back. Light it up the dark side of my heart which for how many years I have blackened it with my own stupidity. There was a light in my soul again and greatest of all, I have gain my compassion in heart again.
When I look around me, seeing the people close to me be the person that I used to be. I am scared and worried for them. Scared they might not given the chance to repent or Allah simply not going to let them see it and let them drowned with their own wrongdoings where as they knew,it is wrong if they continue being that person but yet....they just let themselves drowned.
I prayed for them..I prayed that they realised not only reciting and understanding Al Quran,or performing your duties towards ALLAH will be enough if the heart is not compassion towards other human race...
Yes,I've seen this so many times and I wonder what have they learned during their classes or when they recite Al Quran. Islam does not determined someones character in just in performing their 5 times prayers or fasting or wearing a hijab. Compassions in your heart does determined also whether you are good Muslim. You can mesmerized the whole Al Quran and you never fail in performing your prayers but if there is a dark side in your heart,what good does it make you?
I am glad that I am 'normal'. I am thankful that ALLAH is always there to guide me and let me see the real world. I have gone through enough situations which makes me realised that no matter what happen, it will turn back to yourself. I was a cruel person. I was a bad tempered person but yet, those character does not lead me anywhere. It leads me to more depressed feelings to the extend that I wish that I was never born to this world. But Allah loves me enough to show me the way back. Light it up the dark side of my heart which for how many years I have blackened it with my own stupidity. There was a light in my soul again and greatest of all, I have gain my compassion in heart again.
When I look around me, seeing the people close to me be the person that I used to be. I am scared and worried for them. Scared they might not given the chance to repent or Allah simply not going to let them see it and let them drowned with their own wrongdoings where as they knew,it is wrong if they continue being that person but yet....they just let themselves drowned.
I prayed for them..I prayed that they realised not only reciting and understanding Al Quran,or performing your duties towards ALLAH will be enough if the heart is not compassion towards other human race...
Friday, July 23, 2010
I miss him terribly...
Hmm..I seriously miss him even though he was not worth to missed about. I guess this is due that his birthday is around the corner. Argghhhh!!! I hate this feeling. I hate this vulnerable feeling that I am facing and need to endured it. I wish I never met him and I wish I never got close to him before this and how I wish..seriously wish that I can see my future like what Alice Cullen can do so that I knew that he will hurt me and safe myself from the heartbreak.
It has been exactly 7 months that he stop contacting me after the day that I helped him. How I wish I can turn back time but for what? So that he can hanging on to me and I have high hopes that things will be different even then? No,it won't be different, it will be the same. He will treat me as someone who will do anything for him without asking for anything back. He knew that...
But honestly, I can't stop myself from missing him. He was different from any guy that I know. He can make me laugh and cry at the same time. He was mature for his age and he knew....how I felt and can be transparent about it. He knew when I was angry, he knew exactly when I am sulking and wants to cry even over the phone, he knew my character.
He was the second person in my life that I am not able to get over with. It is a common statment that time will heal the wound, but will it? After so many times getting hurt,will I ever be healed? Or forever I will shield myself from getting hurt and refuse to feel the same again...to fall in love again..hmm..I do not know....
It has been exactly 7 months that he stop contacting me after the day that I helped him. How I wish I can turn back time but for what? So that he can hanging on to me and I have high hopes that things will be different even then? No,it won't be different, it will be the same. He will treat me as someone who will do anything for him without asking for anything back. He knew that...
But honestly, I can't stop myself from missing him. He was different from any guy that I know. He can make me laugh and cry at the same time. He was mature for his age and he knew....how I felt and can be transparent about it. He knew when I was angry, he knew exactly when I am sulking and wants to cry even over the phone, he knew my character.
He was the second person in my life that I am not able to get over with. It is a common statment that time will heal the wound, but will it? After so many times getting hurt,will I ever be healed? Or forever I will shield myself from getting hurt and refuse to feel the same again...to fall in love again..hmm..I do not know....
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
One more hour to go...
It's already 11am and I have another hour to go for my lunch. I ponders and wonders what to do within this one hour so I decided, why not I update my blog then? My boss is not around and no one is disturbing me...hehehe...I do not have any ideas what to write now but somehow or rather, ideas will be pouring out once I start typing.
Things has change a lot lately. My work, well...so far it has been good if there is no one actually disturbing. People in the office? Hmm...getting worse I guess. Is like, once one person very emotional about something, it will affect everybody which I can never understand why. Why does people in the office get easily emotional? Is it work problem or personal problem? Majority, it was personal problem. It is understandble that everyone has a problem but do each every one of us KNOW that you are actually facing life and death situation?? If people ask you a very simple question and you very rudely replied to that person in a tone like "hello...i am having huge problem,can't u see? can't u not ask stupid question??" Honestly,nope..na'ah..no one can actually knows whether you are facing a bad day.
Ok..thats about emotional staff..:). Here in this office tends to be groupy too..in Malay language "berpuak-puak" which also I do not understand why. This group is gossiping about the other group and the other group is gossiping about that group...gosh..it is neverending. Yes, I know, it is a office nature that this 'groupy thingy' is occured but sometimes it is very annoying especially when 1 person is facing some problem and instead of helping that particular person, they actually gossips and make things worse. I watch and observed each person characters and smile to myself. Who are we to judge other people?
Ok,10 more minutes to go for my lunch. Shall update my blog again and go through the same cycle in the office which will definitely not going to change...cheers!
Things has change a lot lately. My work, well...so far it has been good if there is no one actually disturbing. People in the office? Hmm...getting worse I guess. Is like, once one person very emotional about something, it will affect everybody which I can never understand why. Why does people in the office get easily emotional? Is it work problem or personal problem? Majority, it was personal problem. It is understandble that everyone has a problem but do each every one of us KNOW that you are actually facing life and death situation?? If people ask you a very simple question and you very rudely replied to that person in a tone like "hello...i am having huge problem,can't u see? can't u not ask stupid question??" Honestly,nope..na'ah..no one can actually knows whether you are facing a bad day.
Ok..thats about emotional staff..:). Here in this office tends to be groupy too..in Malay language "berpuak-puak" which also I do not understand why. This group is gossiping about the other group and the other group is gossiping about that group...gosh..it is neverending. Yes, I know, it is a office nature that this 'groupy thingy' is occured but sometimes it is very annoying especially when 1 person is facing some problem and instead of helping that particular person, they actually gossips and make things worse. I watch and observed each person characters and smile to myself. Who are we to judge other people?
Ok,10 more minutes to go for my lunch. Shall update my blog again and go through the same cycle in the office which will definitely not going to change...cheers!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Wow..seriously it has been such a long time since I last wrote and updating my blog. Well,I guess mentaly tired and was too busy coping with everyday life is the main caused of it.
Alhamdulilah...5 months has gone by and I have succeeded in going through the worse hurdle ever. Firstly, the ALamanda thingy and secondly,my first ever seminar organised by me,myself and I..:).Last year it was the Karnival MPH Mutiara Minda where I organised within exactly 1 month and this time, the seminar which I do not know head or tail of it..but yet, I have succeeded.
Honestly, I was nearly giving up and thinking that I could not handle it but Alhamdulillah with HIS guidance, I have manage it well. I was at the verge of quitting when too many of them commented, criticising but somehow or rather I manage to shut it down and focus of what I should do. Like my COO said to me..."I know you are frustrated but let's focus and get this seminar done ". True enough..I did manage to focus and get it done.
So now,another coming project...THE SOCIAL NETWORKING SEMINAR...gosh...this is harder i think but well...I know I can do it. Like my good friend,Fara told me..."I know you can do it when you say so, no doubt on that"...hehehe..so THUMBS UP! for
myself...:)
Cheerios!
Alhamdulilah...5 months has gone by and I have succeeded in going through the worse hurdle ever. Firstly, the ALamanda thingy and secondly,my first ever seminar organised by me,myself and I..:).Last year it was the Karnival MPH Mutiara Minda where I organised within exactly 1 month and this time, the seminar which I do not know head or tail of it..but yet, I have succeeded.
Honestly, I was nearly giving up and thinking that I could not handle it but Alhamdulillah with HIS guidance, I have manage it well. I was at the verge of quitting when too many of them commented, criticising but somehow or rather I manage to shut it down and focus of what I should do. Like my COO said to me..."I know you are frustrated but let's focus and get this seminar done ". True enough..I did manage to focus and get it done.
So now,another coming project...THE SOCIAL NETWORKING SEMINAR...gosh...this is harder i think but well...I know I can do it. Like my good friend,Fara told me..."I know you can do it when you say so, no doubt on that"...hehehe..so THUMBS UP! for
myself...:)
Cheerios!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
out from my free time...
My good friend,Elaine has been asking me..."why have you not been updating your blog??" Well, I guess i have no time to do so or there is a lot of things on my mind lately..e.g my upcoming seminar which will be held exactly 1 month from now.
When people questioned me,'so are you happy with your new designation now?" Its a question with no answer. I mean..well, yes...I don't feel the stress or too tired anymore because not involve with bookfairs but to say I am very happy..hmm..it's a huge word to describe tho'. But 1 thing for sure, I feel contented that I still have a job and great colleague whom we shared love and hatred relationship.
I have a story to tell which I do not have the mood to start or lazy is the exact word. Oh well...need to leave for appointment so till then..i will sign in and continue my story very soon...chow babe...
When people questioned me,'so are you happy with your new designation now?" Its a question with no answer. I mean..well, yes...I don't feel the stress or too tired anymore because not involve with bookfairs but to say I am very happy..hmm..it's a huge word to describe tho'. But 1 thing for sure, I feel contented that I still have a job and great colleague whom we shared love and hatred relationship.
I have a story to tell which I do not have the mood to start or lazy is the exact word. Oh well...need to leave for appointment so till then..i will sign in and continue my story very soon...chow babe...
Sunday, April 25, 2010
No description of what I am going through....now...
Hmm...yes,there is no description of what I am going through right now but I do know that "ALLAH is really testing me" whether I will be blaming fate or myself or giving up on HIM.
Honestly, I am frustrated and tired with neverending problem which I could not see if there is any ending to it. I am angry because it wasn't me that the mistake was created and here I am having to face the consequences. Whether I like it or not the mistake was under my name. *sigh*. There is nobody could help me on this except pray to ALLAH for his guidance on how to solve this problem.
At first, I kept thinking...why me? and then a sudden thought came across my mind."The debt was under your name although it wasn't you who caused it,if you wish to perform Haji and Umrah again, you should get your debt settled because it's in God's hand,you may or may not come back from Makkah,so please get everything settled" yes...I have thought that way.
I remembered the last time I went to Makkah, I was praying in front of Kaabah wishing and hoping that Allah will forgive me for all the sins that I have done. I even asked for His guidance to recuperate and cleanse myself from everything. I guess the journey to cleanse myself has begun after a year. I have accepted and willing to take the responsibilty although at the back of my mind kept haunting me stating "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!" but yet,life goes on and i have to go through it.
A good friend told me this..you may have to pay off debts which is not even yours but remember dear fren..."rezeki is always open for you everywhere so as long you do this, do not be afraid that you won't be enough, you will have enough,insyallah"...
Yes,it is true what she says but yet it does hurt and painful for me to bear it alone. Insyallah, I can go through with it...and I know Allah will not abandon me. HE will always be at my side...that I know for sure and that's what makes my heart feel contented....:)...
I love ALLAH so much...HE is the love of my life frm the beginning till the end....
-END-
Honestly, I am frustrated and tired with neverending problem which I could not see if there is any ending to it. I am angry because it wasn't me that the mistake was created and here I am having to face the consequences. Whether I like it or not the mistake was under my name. *sigh*. There is nobody could help me on this except pray to ALLAH for his guidance on how to solve this problem.
At first, I kept thinking...why me? and then a sudden thought came across my mind."The debt was under your name although it wasn't you who caused it,if you wish to perform Haji and Umrah again, you should get your debt settled because it's in God's hand,you may or may not come back from Makkah,so please get everything settled" yes...I have thought that way.
I remembered the last time I went to Makkah, I was praying in front of Kaabah wishing and hoping that Allah will forgive me for all the sins that I have done. I even asked for His guidance to recuperate and cleanse myself from everything. I guess the journey to cleanse myself has begun after a year. I have accepted and willing to take the responsibilty although at the back of my mind kept haunting me stating "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!" but yet,life goes on and i have to go through it.
A good friend told me this..you may have to pay off debts which is not even yours but remember dear fren..."rezeki is always open for you everywhere so as long you do this, do not be afraid that you won't be enough, you will have enough,insyallah"...
Yes,it is true what she says but yet it does hurt and painful for me to bear it alone. Insyallah, I can go through with it...and I know Allah will not abandon me. HE will always be at my side...that I know for sure and that's what makes my heart feel contented....:)...
I love ALLAH so much...HE is the love of my life frm the beginning till the end....
-END-
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Muhasabah Cinta
Wahai pemilik nyawaku
Betapa lemah diriku ini
Berat ujian dari-Mu
Ku pasrahkan semua pada-Mu
Tuhan baru ku sadar
Indah nikmat sehat itu
Tak pandai aku bersyukur
Kini ku harapkan cinta-Mu
Kata-kata cinta terucap indah
Mengalun berzikir di kidung doaku
Sakit yang ku rasa biar jadi penawar dosaku
Butir-butir cinta air mataku
Teringat semua yang Kau beri untukku
Ampuni khilaf dan salah selama ini
Ya Illahi muhasabah cintaku
Tuhan kuatkan aku
Lindungiku dari putus asa
Jika ku harus mati
Pertemukan aku dengan-Mu
Betapa lemah diriku ini
Berat ujian dari-Mu
Ku pasrahkan semua pada-Mu
Tuhan baru ku sadar
Indah nikmat sehat itu
Tak pandai aku bersyukur
Kini ku harapkan cinta-Mu
Kata-kata cinta terucap indah
Mengalun berzikir di kidung doaku
Sakit yang ku rasa biar jadi penawar dosaku
Butir-butir cinta air mataku
Teringat semua yang Kau beri untukku
Ampuni khilaf dan salah selama ini
Ya Illahi muhasabah cintaku
Tuhan kuatkan aku
Lindungiku dari putus asa
Jika ku harus mati
Pertemukan aku dengan-Mu
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Feeling betrayed is the worst feeling ever...
I have no words to describe what and how exactly I felt at this moment. Angry? No. Upset?Also no. Stupid?Definitely no. I guess what I am feeling right now is emptiness. I felt a hollow cut cross into my heart. Is like something is missing. Yes,something did missed from my heart...TRUST and COMPASSION. I do not have any compassion towards anybody anymore now. All I am feeling now is numb..totally numbness.
A few weeks ago,a certain guy whom I adore begged me for my help.Mixed up with the feeling that I had for him and also the feeling of sympathizing with him has caused me the greatest grief ever. A wrong step that I took which I did not say I regretted it but it has woken me up after so many years of trusting people that it is somehow difficult for a 'leapord to change his spots'. This I can't help it to agree with the phrase. I did help on a ground that trusting he will not backed off from his promise. That he will no matter in what situation will always be there for me. My thoughts was wrong. He went disappeared right after I gave him my helping hand.
I can never know if the hollowness in my heart will ever be refilled again. I do not know whether I am able to trust others. I do not know whether what will become of me if I stopped helping people. I do not know but what I do know...He has hurt me greatly beyond imaginable that I can't bring myself to forgive him.
Islam doesn;t teaches you to hate...Islam also does not teach you to punish other..Islam too teaches us to forgive and forget but I can't. Not now...the pain is too excruciatingly painful for me to bear and forgive easily. Maybe 1 day..I will forgive him...
A friend told me this..Let it go coz Allah knows more what is happening..HE sees,listen and understand perfectly well. I am letting it go..and I did halalkan everything that I gave him..just give me sometime..
Time will heal the wound someday...insyallah.
A few weeks ago,a certain guy whom I adore begged me for my help.Mixed up with the feeling that I had for him and also the feeling of sympathizing with him has caused me the greatest grief ever. A wrong step that I took which I did not say I regretted it but it has woken me up after so many years of trusting people that it is somehow difficult for a 'leapord to change his spots'. This I can't help it to agree with the phrase. I did help on a ground that trusting he will not backed off from his promise. That he will no matter in what situation will always be there for me. My thoughts was wrong. He went disappeared right after I gave him my helping hand.
I can never know if the hollowness in my heart will ever be refilled again. I do not know whether I am able to trust others. I do not know whether what will become of me if I stopped helping people. I do not know but what I do know...He has hurt me greatly beyond imaginable that I can't bring myself to forgive him.
Islam doesn;t teaches you to hate...Islam also does not teach you to punish other..Islam too teaches us to forgive and forget but I can't. Not now...the pain is too excruciatingly painful for me to bear and forgive easily. Maybe 1 day..I will forgive him...
A friend told me this..Let it go coz Allah knows more what is happening..HE sees,listen and understand perfectly well. I am letting it go..and I did halalkan everything that I gave him..just give me sometime..
Time will heal the wound someday...insyallah.
Monday, January 4, 2010
2010
Today is the 5th day of 2010 and yet I do not feel anything...there is no excitement or anticipating of anything towards the year of 2010. Most of my friends make the resolution of wanting to lose weight,some of them wants to buy a house or a car,some of them even targeting to get married but as for me those kind of resolutions is no longer in my list. My new list will be Umrah,Haji and to adopt a child.
Yes,I would want to adopt a child. I am not saying I have already given up to find a life partner,is just I am tired of waiting. Maybe I am destined not to ever get married, maybe. So I have decided to adopt a child soon when I am more stable,insyallah. The feeling of wanting to adopt became stronger when I saw Maryam's newborn baby girl,Qalifah Soraya a week ago. I soon became so attached towards baby Soraya that I missed her everyday. Missing of holding and kissing her. The mother instinct is too strong for me that I actually decided to accept Maryam's offer to be her daughter's godmother. That was my best gift ever for the year 2010.
My dear beloved goddaughter,Qalifah Soraya, I pray for you always that you will be a devoted Muslimah towards ALLAH and be a good daughter towards your parents. May you will be blessed with love and care. I will always love you my dear lit' one...
Yes,I would want to adopt a child. I am not saying I have already given up to find a life partner,is just I am tired of waiting. Maybe I am destined not to ever get married, maybe. So I have decided to adopt a child soon when I am more stable,insyallah. The feeling of wanting to adopt became stronger when I saw Maryam's newborn baby girl,Qalifah Soraya a week ago. I soon became so attached towards baby Soraya that I missed her everyday. Missing of holding and kissing her. The mother instinct is too strong for me that I actually decided to accept Maryam's offer to be her daughter's godmother. That was my best gift ever for the year 2010.
My dear beloved goddaughter,Qalifah Soraya, I pray for you always that you will be a devoted Muslimah towards ALLAH and be a good daughter towards your parents. May you will be blessed with love and care. I will always love you my dear lit' one...
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