I have no words to describe what and how exactly I felt at this moment. Angry? No. Upset?Also no. Stupid?Definitely no. I guess what I am feeling right now is emptiness. I felt a hollow cut cross into my heart. Is like something is missing. Yes,something did missed from my heart...TRUST and COMPASSION. I do not have any compassion towards anybody anymore now. All I am feeling now is numb..totally numbness.
A few weeks ago,a certain guy whom I adore begged me for my help.Mixed up with the feeling that I had for him and also the feeling of sympathizing with him has caused me the greatest grief ever. A wrong step that I took which I did not say I regretted it but it has woken me up after so many years of trusting people that it is somehow difficult for a 'leapord to change his spots'. This I can't help it to agree with the phrase. I did help on a ground that trusting he will not backed off from his promise. That he will no matter in what situation will always be there for me. My thoughts was wrong. He went disappeared right after I gave him my helping hand.
I can never know if the hollowness in my heart will ever be refilled again. I do not know whether I am able to trust others. I do not know whether what will become of me if I stopped helping people. I do not know but what I do know...He has hurt me greatly beyond imaginable that I can't bring myself to forgive him.
Islam doesn;t teaches you to hate...Islam also does not teach you to punish other..Islam too teaches us to forgive and forget but I can't. Not now...the pain is too excruciatingly painful for me to bear and forgive easily. Maybe 1 day..I will forgive him...
A friend told me this..Let it go coz Allah knows more what is happening..HE sees,listen and understand perfectly well. I am letting it go..and I did halalkan everything that I gave him..just give me sometime..
Time will heal the wound someday...insyallah.
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