Already Gone

Hmm..this is a new song by Kelly Clarkson, love it so much and it is very meaningful. I am dedicating this song to someone whom I really love but I have to let him go. He and I knows that we both can never be together no matter how much we attached together. We need to accept that we both have to go separate ways someday.It is very depressing knowing that I have someone whom adores me but he can't develop his love towards me because of his commitment to someone else. So this song is very suitable for him. I love it when Kelly sang..."I love you enough to let you go.." Yes, I love him enough to actually really letting him go.
He is being very transparent about all this. Not giving hope and not even pretending to like me either. He is being himself and I respected that.
When people asked me,why am I wasting my time with him or people just say that he is using me,honestly,I do not have the answer to those questions. Maybe ALLAH has a reason of meeting me up with him.
Maybe ALLAH wants to see how far will I go in handling this situations...maybe.
But all I know....he is not meant for me...and i have to let him go soon enough and that is the real fact that I have to face although how hurtful it will be..

Unavoidable feelings

I really miss that someone a lot...

It has been a month..

It has been a month since I last wrote in my blog. Too occupied with work and life but honestly, more tight up with strings of bookfairs. And of coz I am very exhausted with my so called life.

A week ago, I was very annoyed with my surroundings. I feel as though I just want to leave this place and never looked back but then I received a very bad news which has shocked the whole family and also it opens my mind indefinitely. My dearest cousin brother was diagnosed of Liver cancer and only has 4 weeks to live. This news was very devastating to be heard by all of us because he does not looked sick at all. No signs of him inherit of that hereditary disease but yet ALLAH loves him more.

I went and visit him few days ago. His eyes and whole body has turn yellowish. His teeth was bleeding non stop. I could not help it but wonder, he is a surgeon, how can this be happening? Why is it that he did not realised the symptoms all this time? Well, the only answer that I had for my questions...its all in Allah's hand. HE can simply gave you anything, at whatever time and whenever HE wants. I could not help it but to cry when I received the sms about him a week ago. He patted my head when I talked to him the other day. He told me, "at least I was given the time limit to prepare myself to meet HIM". True but it was not easy to accept even for himself.
Yes..at least he was given the time limit. What about us who does not know when our time is up? What if my time is up tomorrow? The sudden fear creeps into me.

Then yesterday he texted me reminding of the song by Opick.."Bila Waktu Terhenti"..again I cried and it was definitely a wake up call for me. The whole week I was irritated and annoyed with my own life thinking that everything was unfair. My cousin's situation was a big impact in my life. What is there in life if you have not totally give yourself to ALLAH...what is the meaning of life if you yourself could not find ways and make a pact with ALLAH...what exactly the meaning of life if everything you do right now is only for that short period of happiness?? Yes...it does hit me that hard in my brain. I was never thankful of what ALLAH has given to me. I have sinned a lot and never in my thoughts to be in ALLAH's favourite. And I have decided 1 thing....to change my ways...not to bother too much about my surroundings and priotize ALLAH before others.

I have make the decision to perform Umrah again next year,Insya ALLAH in beginning of Ramadhan's month. I prayed everyday to ALLAH to fulfill my wish. I want to be near HIM. I want to cleanse myself and I want to really,really,really give myself to HIM. I need HIM to forgive me for all the sins that I have done. I just need to be there...and I wish I will never come back.

"YA ALLAH,AKU TAK LAYAK KE SYURGAMU NAMUN AKU TAKUT KE NERAKAMU. AMPUNKAN LAH DOSA KU,TERIMA LAH TAUBATKU...SESUNGGUHNYA AKU HANYALAH MANUSIA BIASA YG LALAI DENGAN HAL DUNIA YG SEMENTARA INI. HIDUPKU DAN MATIKU ADALAH DITANGAN MU..AMIN YA RAHMAN YA RAHIMI..."

-END-

Overstressed or overexert?

Lately depression mode button is ON throughout the whole week. I have no mood to do anything. No mood to meet up with people. No mood to even read a book which was of course my favourite pastime. I rather lie down on a bed and listening to my MP3 with depressing songs stuck into my ear.
Yesterday was hell for me. I had diarhoea and my blood pressure shoot up to 180..got a shock of my life. My family doctor says.."adik,you are overexerting yourself. What exactly are you thinking?' Seriously..what the heck was I thinking? Am I thinking too much or the work is overloaded? Well...I guess I'm frustrated due to I can't focus which work am i supposed to be concetrate on. Hmm..and another thing..I think I am frustrated about people that I used to care for. Someone that I misses so much and we have not been talking with each other about 3 months now due to some silly misunderstanding. And of course I miss another person who is so far away from me whom also refuse to talk to me which I have no idea why..hmm...

Few days ago, my second niece were having problems with her mom. Huge row with each other and she went into depression thinking that ALLAH refuse to grant her wish. I knew I was not in the good place to help her but yet I gave her the support that she needed. I told her, this is just part of ALLAH test to you to see how are you gonna cope with your everyday life. Don't ever give up and don't ever question of why ALLAH gave you this test. Alhamdulilah,she took my advice and gain the strength to fight what she believes.

Today, I came to work with a motivation says that I will just do whatever I can but if people do not wish to appreciate my effort then there is nothing can be done. So I will strived to be the best...yeah right...whatever it is,everything that I own right now is in GOD's hand. If it's meant to be then it will meant to be...HE will decide if I am to be stuck here at my workplace or to be designated somewhere else.

So is it overstressed or overexert? I guess...I am just mentally tired...

-END-

How time passes...part 6

"KAK NORAINI IS WEARING RED TUDUNG AND LIZA WAS STANDING BESIDE ME"
"Salaam,why aren't you doing your tawaf wida'?" I jerked from my seat slightly when I heard a voice above my head. I turned and saw Kak Noraini smiling looking at me. I smiled and answered "Well,sad or not sad..I just had my period last night at 2am" I said grinning at her broadly. "Huh? Really?Luckily,you manage to finished your Umrah. Did you take any pills before coming here?" she asked while sitting down across me at the table. "Nope..and u'uh..very the lucky..heheh" I answered. "I guess Allah wants you to come back again. HE doesn't want you to say goodbye forever..or I think there is someone here wants you to come back again" Kak Noraini said winking at me.I frowned and shrugged my shoulders pretending not to understand what she has just said. She laughed seeing the expression on my face. "I hope you are not putting so much hope" she said while sipping her hot coffee. I sighed and looked at her.
"Is it too obvious kak?" I asked. Kak Noraini nodded her head and grinned widely at
me. I gave a loud sighed and slump my shoulder starring at my coffee. Realising that I went silent, Kak Noraini took hold of my hand and asked "Sue,sorry..did I offend you in some way?" I shooked my head vigorously. I was trying to hold back the tears from falling.
"Sue...what's wrong? I didn't mean to hurt you at all" she said panicking when looking at my change of expression. "No kak, you have not hurt me at all. It's just that I suddenly realised that the reason I came here to devote myself to ALLAH S.W.T but yet I failed to do so. End up I was flirting with our own Mutawiff and the worst of all, he is way too young for me...for goodness sake,we are 10 years apart" I could feel my hand were shaking. Kak Noraini sighed and she was gripping my hand tightly when she noticed that I was shaking. "Sue...I think you have misunderstood what I've just said. When I said don't put too much hope,I didn't mean that you were the one who is chasing or flirting with him. It was him who was chasing after you. Abg Azmi and I knew that he is interested in you ever since we reached Madinah. We have eyes and we can see.So what he is younger. It is not wrong for you to have relationship with him,just it will be a long distant relationship, that is why I said don't put too much hope. Things can happened anytime. Maybe you will end up with him, maybe you don't. Just pray to ALLAH what is best for you. Don't think too much ok." she said trying to calmed me down. "But why him kak? and you know what,I don't even know whether does he really into me or not" I said. Kak Noraini tapping my hand gently and smiled. "My dear one, he is into you but maybe he is too confused of his own feelings. He does not know how to react" she said smiling widely looking at me. "Enough dear, just accept whatever along the way. What you have to do now is pray to ALLAH and seek for HIS forgiveness. Ask HIM to show you to move to right path ok? U know..time is running out,let's get ready. Have your luggages been taken by them?" she asked getting up from her chair. "Yup,ok..I'll see you downstairs at the lobby then". She nodded her head and move towards the lift to go to her room.

I sat down silently alone at the cafeteria waiting for my family to come back from Masjidil Haram. They went to say goodbye and sadly I was not allowed to do so. I was only able to say goodbye at the entrance of Masjidil Haram. Tears start strolling down slowly at my cheek. When do I ever get the chance to come here again? Will Allah gave me another chance to perform Haj and Umrah again?Insya ALLAH..HE will grant me my wish,I told myself. Drifting away from my own thoughts, I did not realised that a familiar voice was calling my name. I turned to that direction and saw Faiz with his friend calling me.

"Salaam kak, why are you here alone? Have you done your tawaf wida?" Faiz with a curious expression shown on his face. Too embarassed to answer this particular question, I was trying to find suitable sentences to relate my explaination of why I did not join my family to do Tawaf Wida.
"Wasalam..Err...well..because ALLAH wants me to come back again so I sort of the chosen one not able to say goodbye yet?" I said grinning away. Amused with my expression and answers, Faiz could not help it but to laughed. "Oh ok...I think I understand. So, have you packed everything? Can't wait to go back to KL huh?" he asked with a slow tone of voice.

"Honestly,I don't wish to go back.." I answered solemnly. "If you don't wish to go back then Insya ALLAH you definitely gonna come back. I guess there is something yo are reluctant to leave behind?" he said. I looked up and saw him staring without shame. Before I could reply to his statement, his friend tapped on his shoulder signalling that they have to go somewhere to prepare the pilgrims documentation. He nodded his head and turned to me. "Insya ALLAH,I will see you later in the bus?" he asked waiting for me to reply. "Insya ALLAH," I answered and nodded my head.

I watched him leaving the cafeteria with Kak Noraini's voice ringing in my head. "It is not wrong to be with him but don't put too much hope". Smiling to myself, I shook off the voice from my mind and continue reading my book.

"I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO RECITE AL FATIHAH TO ABG AZMI HUSBAND TO KAK NORAINI WHO HAS LEFT ALL OF US 3 MONTHS AGO TO MEET ALLAH S.W.T. ABG AZMI HAS BEEN THE GREATEST GOD BROTHER THAT I MET DURING PERFORMING UMRAH ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS HIKING THE JABAL NUR. LIKE WHAT KAK NORAINI SAYS...SUE IS ABG AZMI BABY SISTER,WILLING TO WAIT FOR HER WHILE CLIMBING TO GUA HIRA. I MISS YOU ABG AZMI,WITH YOUR LAUGHTER AND JOKES EVEN THOUGH WE KNOWN EACH OTHER ONLY FOR FEW MONTHS. AS FOR YOU KAK NORAINI,I KNOW YOU CAN BE STRONG FOR YOUR CHILDREN AND I WILL NOT FORGET YOU, THE LADY WHO ALWAYS WEAR BEAUTIFUL BLACK JUBAH"

Every person has a story to tell and my story does not end here. It continues even after I came back from Umrah till today.
My relationships with Faiz continues became closer from the day I climb into the bus, to Jeddah airport and back to Malaysia....so the story continues with lot more to come....

TO BE CONTINUED....

Butterfly fly away

Recently, my late father memories keep flashing in my mind. Really miss him a lot...terribly. Hope he rest in peace with ALLAH S.W.T, ameen...this song reminds me of him and myself when I was younger..

You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away


Love you always my closest,greatest father and a friend...ABAH..AL FATIHAH..

How time passes...part 5

"Ya ALLAH, forgive me for all the sins that I've done intentionally and unintentionally.Take every single blackest thing away within myself that is so difficult for me to change and too stubborn to change. Ya ALLAH,here I am in front of Kaabah,repent for all the sins that I've done and created a misery life on my own. Let it go Ya ALLAH,let it go from heart because I am your servant and I've repented,Masha ALLAH. Please lead me to the right path as I have promised and take an oath to change in your ways Ya ALLAH. Please continue to guide me but please do not let me be astray to the wrong path as before. YOU are the most merciful and forgiving and there is no other GOD,only YOU the only one in this magnificent world that YOU have created...I am asking here right now for YOUR blessing to allow me to come here again,insya ALLAH..Wasalalah huala saidina muhammadin wa'alihi wasabihi wasalam.subhana rabika izzati walhamdulilah hirabilalimin...ameen"

Tears starts rolling down slowly on my cheek after my prayers. At that moment I felt so sad knowing that I will be leaving Makkah tomorrow and I felt disheartened to leave this Holy Land. I turn on my right,saw Liza and Syikin were reciting Al Quran quietly. I could see from their face expression that they too are sad of leaving Makkah. It was already 4.30am,thousand of pilgrim walking around,'tawaf',sleeping and reciting Al-Quran while waiting for azan Subuh to be heard. I looked up and mesmorise it in my mind every detail and feelings being infront of Kaabah. Yes,until today, I have not forgotten and I do not care how many times I mentioned in my blog,I will never ever forget the atmosphere and the aura of Kaabah.

I am here..the woman who has done a lot of sins,I am here at Holy Land. I am grateful,yes..really thankful and lucky..Masha ALLAH. I am lucky..that ALLAH still loves me,the most undevoted and ungrateful servant yet HE still grant me the greatest life experience ever. I could not help it but to feel the tightness at my chest. I feel suffocated and short of breath. Calming myself down,I start to recite Surah Yassin and tears starts to fall profusely along my cheeks and jaw. Suddenly I felt a warm fingers locking around my fingers,I turned and saw Liza,without even looking at me,she took hold of my hand silently to calm me down as though she too could feel what I am feeling at that moment. Together we both recite Surah Yassin together. I cried along the whole duration of reciting Surah Yassin.

Three of us sat silently in front of Kaabah waiting patiently to perform Subuh prayers. We witnessed ourselves that even Arabians argued with each other as to fight for sitting place to pray. They are so aggresive,rude and of course very stubborn. No wonder all the prophets were born in Arab land.They simply very strong headed people. Suddenly,I felt Syikin poked me at the ribs pointing at me the direction that she was looking. I looked up and saw Faiz and Ustaz Apandi were leading few mens and women to perform Solat Sunat behind the Makam Nabi Ibrahim.
Honestly,whenever I looked at Faiz, I felt very contented and feel as though all my problems has gone. I watched them in silent and out of blue,after few hours of silence,at last Liza voiced out "Do you believe in fate?" she asked. I frowned at her questions and asked "Hmm..sometimes I do believe in fate..depends I guess. Why the sudden question?" "Because I do not want you to feel hurt that's all" Liza makes the comment nonchalantly and before I could asked further,azan was heard.We got up and 3 of us perform the prayers and hurriedly went back to the hotel as there will be final visit around Makkah today. I did not manage to asked Liza any further until we reached the hotel lobby.

"Za,why do you make that comment? What do you mean that you don't want me to get hurt?" I asked with a confused expression on my face. There were only Liza and myself at the lobby,Syikin excuse herself to go to her room to look for Norizah who supposedly having some split personality from the day one arriving at Holy Land. Liza took a deep breath before answering. "Sue,I know that we just got to know each other for only 2 weeks but I felt like as though we have known each other for years. From what I see, you are the kind of person whom can accept whatever people comment about you right? Because I am a very direct person. Ok,let me get straight to the point. Look,I know it is possible for you to be together with Faiz because our own Nabi Muhammad and Khadijah were married even though there was a age gap but....do you think you can live in his kind of life,Sue? You live in modern life,you are career minded woman,you are credit card woman but look at him? Can you actually imagine yourself watching movies with him?" she said without a paused.
Too shocked with her directness, I went silent. "Sue..I am sorry if I said the wrong thing and I know I shouldn't be so blunt but..aih..I don't know,I just don't want you to feel hurt hoping for something that you know it will never exists" she said squeezing my hand. I nodded my head and too dumbfounded to say anything.
"Thank you,Za..I know what you meant and I am glad that you being direct with me. At least I could oversee the whole picture. Don't worry, I am not hurt at all" I said squeezing her hand too and gave her a warm smile. "Whatever it is,the decision is still yours and it is not up to me or anybody to decide. Maybe he is the one for you,maybe ALLAH did send him to you, or maybe...hmm..just take it as a summer love crush will ya?" she said and I know from her tone of voice,she is hoping that I will not get hurt with her statement. I nodded and the conversation ended as soon as Faiz and his friend entered the hotel lobby.

When I saw him, I felt I wanted to cry. I felt as though this is part of satan game to lead me astray so that I won't concetrate myself on ALLAH while I was at Makkah. Without realising,I stared at his face and he too was looking at me. I knew he could see the sadness shown on my face. He frowned looking at me. I got up and took my leave to my room. Liza took hold off my arm,"Sue..I'm sorry..please don't go. Where are you going?" she asked panicking. "I want to go to my room to rest,don't worry,I am fine" I said and walked away.

I am not angry with Liza for being direct with me. I am angry with myself..What are the purpose of me coming here? To flirt with a Mutawiff or to devote myself to ALLAH?..I could not help myself but feeling guilty. I went into my room and cried wholeheartedly.....

to be continued...

How time passes...part 4

Thousands of pilgrims exiting themselves from Masjidil Haram after Isya' prayers back to their respective destination. I realised that millions of Muslims gathered here at Makkah to achieve ONE goal and that goal is to gain Allah's forgiveness and blessings. Looking around,I saw some people are walking and some of them are on their wheelchair. I could not help to feel so overwhelmed with this scenario. How many millions of Muslims around the world willing to devote themselves entirely to ALLAH S.W.T even though they are handicapped but they still stood by of what they believed and fight for. And here I am, so healthy but still complaint with tiredness sometimes. How ungrateful..hmm..

I saw my families waited for me at the shoe rack sitting on the floor while resting and drinking Zam Zam water. Reaching them,suddenly I realised that my slippers were disappeared. Panic stricken, I search every rack in that area. My nieces and nephew help to search for it somewhere else but they too could not find. Given up, I sat leaning against at one of the pillars and thinking on how to go back to the hotel barefooted. My imagination flashes on my brain on how dirty and muddy the road is. Taking a deep breath,trying to calm myself down by drinking the ZamZam water. Then, my eldest niece,Nasreen gave a briliant idea."Acu,why don't we share the sneakers that I'm wearing right now." she said. Puzzled with her suggestion I looked at her and asked "Huh?How are we going to do that?" "One foot we wear the sneakers and the other foot we covered it with a plastic bag,you are wearing a socks right?" she said. I nodded my head and instantly agreed with her suggestions. My family sort of amused with the situation but they are trying very hard not to laughed. After wearing the sneaker on my right foot,my 2nd niece helped to tied the plastic bag around my left foot. Nasreen and I were trying very hard not to laughed and amazingly we were not embarassed with this situation.

We tiptoeing and laughed all the way from Masjidil Haram till to the hotel. Once we reached at the hotel lobby, some of our friends saw us and they were laughing their heads off looking at me with amusement."Masha ALLAH Sue!!What happened to both of you?" Kak Ain asked me. "I lost my slippers so rather than walking back barefooted, my niece gave me this idea to wrapped our feet with a plastic bag" I answered grinning away. They laughed with me and says that I never failed to make them laughed. And then from the corner of my eye,suddenly I felt somebody is staring at me. I turned my head slowly and I frozed...Faiz were sitting there with his friends looking at our direction. Flushed with embarassment, I tore the plastic bag from my feet and gave the other shoe to my niece and walked up to the lift to escape myself.

My heart was thumping loudly as though I am about to failed my biggest examination ever. Refused to look anywhere, I went and sat beside Syikin at the sofa. My family already went up to their room to get some rest. Chatting away with my friends,unintentionaly I turned my head at where Faiz were sitting. There he was,staring and smilling at me when I looked at him. I smiled back at him and shaking my head to get rid the vision of his smiling face from my mind. No..it couldn't be...I may pray to Allah to let me meet someone like him BUT NOT HIM EXACTLY!!!! I was screaming silently in my heart...what is going on? Why is he responding every move that I make and every looked that I gave him? And why exactly is he still staring at me??? Masha ALLAH..this could not be happening. This must somehow a huge crush between both of us. This couldn't be the matchmade by heaven...it couldn't be.

Then suddenly I saw he came up to our place and asked Syikin if she still interested to look for 'sejadah' that she requested few days ago. Syikin smiled and answered "Wow ustaz, thank you for actually remembering that I request for the sejadah from you,and yes I am interested. Can you bring me to the place that you told me about?" "Yes,I can show you the place provided you bring Kak Sue along" he said smilling at me. Frowning and wondering on why the need that Syikin need to bring me along and before I could say anything, Syikin answered "Of course Ustaz,who else should I bring?". I could hear the amusement in her voice.
"I think Kak Sue need to go up and get her shoes before we go,is it not?" he asked winking his eyes at me. Syikin and the others laughed except for Liza. I could see from her face that she doesn't enjoy this situation at all even though she was smiling all the way through. I understood from her eyes that she hates it when Faiz makes me a laughing stock. I patted her arm and gave her a warm smile assuring that I am okay with everything. I got up and excused myself to go up to my room. I turned at Syikin and says "I won't be long, you'll wait here, yeah?" Both Syikin and Faiz nodded their head and from the time I was getting up from the sofa till I went into the lift, I could feel that Faiz staring at me. I turned my head and yes,there he was, staring and smilling at me unashamedly. I shaked my head and went in.

I was texting my cousin when suddenly Syikin jerked me,"Sue!Which one is better?" she asked showing off 2 beautiful 'sejadah' to choose from. Shutting my phone, I went up to her and says "Hmm..for whom are you buying for?" I asked quizzically looking at the 2 'sejadah'. "My husband and 1 is for my mum" she said with her eyes still wondering around overwhelmed with a lot designs. "Okay..then get both, let them choose,if not asked Faiz to choose. He should know better what's best for a husband" I answered. Faiz looked up when his name was mentioned and smiled widely at me. "I think,its best if the wife should choose for the husband,don't you think? As it is,the husband and wife should know each other better." he said. Syikin rolled her eyes at me and I stiffled a giggled. Then suddenly I felt something vibrated in my left hand pocket. I went out from the shop leaving Syikin with her confused decision to answer a call from my cousin. After 20 minutes of telephone conversation with my cousin,I went back into the shop realising that Syikin has still not decided which one she should choose for her husband. Faiz still waiting patiently sitting on a chair waiting for her to choose. "My dear,you still have not decided haven't you?" I asked taking a deep breath to subside the impatient feeling that increases within me. "There is too many for me to choose from..I could not decide! Please help" she said panicking. "Oh dear Syikin, just buy all design and let them choose,hurry up, we going for our qiamullai tonight remember?" I said getting impatient. She nodded her head and told the saleman that she is buying all 20 design. Waiting for the saleman to wrapped all the 'sejadah', I could see that Faiz were staring at me yet again. I went up to him and asked "Why do you like to stare?" I asked with a wonder look in my eyes. He smiled and got up from the place he was sitting.Without answering my question, he went up to the saleman and spoke to him with an Arabic language as to give Syikin better discount from the original price.

Frustrated with Faiz character, I went out from the shop and waited for them. Faiz helped to carry all the 20 sejadah to the hotel lobby. Syikin asked whether we are intrested to have a drink at the cafeteria for awhile. I shook my head and says that "I would like to retire before we leave for our qiam later". Syikin nodded her head and thanking Faiz for bringing the 'sejadah' for her. He nodded his head and turned his head to looked at me.

"Your mother instinct are very strong. You care for people and you laughed a lot. The way you laughed as though there is no problem in this world.From what I see,you are very happy go lucky person...compassion about others and I feel at ease and contented whenever I looked at you..Salaams to both of you"

To speechless to say anything,I stared at him before he went up to the staircase to go to his room. I turned to looked at Syikin who are already grinning away.."Hahaha..what is that all about,dear?"she asked. "I don't know.." I answered with a tiny voice that could only be heard by myself and Syikin.

Puzzled with just what had happened, both myself and Syikin went into our room to get some rest. Lying awake, I told myself yet again...it couldn't be...YA ALLAH..it couldn't be...

How time passes...part 3

"Sue...sue..are you okay?"asked Syikin panicking. "I thought I am already dead..hhehe" answered me jokingly trying to get up. "Hey,slowly..don't force yourself to get up", I heard an unfamiliar voice beside me. I turned and saw a decent guy looking at me with concern look. Even in the darkness of the night, I could see that he was trying very hard not to hold me. Without any hesitation, I make myself stand straight immediately. "Careful sue, you just had a terrible fall. Is your head hurt? Let's get some rest first ok?", Syikin said worrying that I am going to fall again.

"No...don't stop. Let's move on. I am okay...seriously..where's others?" I asked looking around. "Others? Some of them already half way down and some of them are still up there. There was no other people when you fell just now. Luckly this 'brother' is around to run towards you. But we both were alone when we were coming down, right? Where did you come from? I don't remember that you were behind us" said Syikin whom is still holding my arm tightly. The 'brother' just shrugged his shoulder and say without answering Syikin's questions "Shall i guide you both going down? It is so dark and I think both of you already lost your track" he said. "Be my guest, lead us "I replied without doubting anything.

Without waiting anymore instructions,the 'brother' make his move and he switch ON his MP3 on his handphone. The sound of an Imam reciting Yasin was heard in the silence of the night at Jabal Nur. I could feel Syikin was gripping my hand tightly. It's either she was scared or worried for me. Honestly, after that unexpected fall...I did not feel any pain at my knee from that night until today. Surprisingly, there was no bruises at all. Hmm...weird huh?
I remembered that it was so difficult for us to go down. We were really lost our track. The 'brother' were careful enough to follow the route where it was easier for us to step on it. The stone and the sand makes our movement more slippery. I even have to sit on the rocks to balance myself as to avoid falling down again. The 'brother' keep on checking on us.The sound of someone reciting Al-Quran never stops and I knew deep down in all our 3 hearts that we are praying very hard to ALLAH S.W.T to guide us. It took us at least 40 minutes from the place that I fell to reach at the bottom. When we have finally safely arrived, Syikin let go of my arm and I could see that Liza was approaching us with a frown on her face. "Where have you guys been?" Syikin told her what happened while I grab some mineral water from my bag to drink.

That 'brother' who saved us by leading us down the cliff, yes,I was thankful to him that he actually helped us a lot that night. I could only manage to say thank you to him when we safely reach at the bottom and then he was gone. I was so exhausted and my body was aching to get to know him at that moment. But somehow or rather, it was kind of weird that I did not see him anywhere after that. Not even at the hotel,lobby or even at the cafeteria. I was hoping to meet him again before coming back to Malaysia and I felt guilty that I did not asked his name. Nooooo...HE IS NOT SOME ANGEL OR GHOST...so not..I think. But Syikin did mentioned to me that she has seen him somewhere before we went up to Jabal Nur,so most probably he is one of the 'jemaah' but kind of creepy knowing that we did not see him anywhere after that..hehe...sort of..but I know for a fact that ALLAH sent him to us to help 2 ladies in distressed.

So,we went back to the hotel approximately at 2am. I was feeling so tired and numb from the fall. Once reached the hotel room,I cleanse myself and fell asleep immediately till the first azan Subuh was heard. My 3 golden girls already left for mosque leaving me behind to pray at the room alone. After praying,I continued my sleep till I heard a knock at my door. Feeling in dazed, I got up and opened the door with my eyes half closed.
"Salaam...still sleeping? Are you okay?" I smiled and nodded my head. It was Syikin at the door asking me whether I would like to join her for breakfast. I told her that I will get ready in 20 minutes time and will meet her upstairs.

Once the lift at the cafeteria was opened,I felt like I was a Rock Indon star. All the 'jemaah' stared me with a concern looked and smiled. The famous question on that entire day..."Are you okay??" Concerned looks inclusive with amusing faces..yea..yea..EVERYBODY KNEW THAT I FELL!!! It was the most embarassing moment for me. I remembered my so called UMRAH GANG said this.."Sue,we would like to ask for your permission, can we laugh?" and then they really laughed. Gosh...very direct and honest people they are.They said it must really like 'nangka busuk jatuh'right? While laughing, the ladies came up to me and give me hugs and kisses by a way of apologising.I just shook my head,smiled and make myself a cup of coffee as usual.

While stirring my coffee and watching Syikin taking her breakfast, I saw Faiz approaching with a big smile on his face. Oh dear, I totally forgot about him. Please don't tell me he knew about it also. By the way he was smilling, he definitely knew something. Ignoring his stares at me, I pretended to talk to Kak Maznah who is chattering happily about her sons.

"Akak!!" he exclaims and make himself comfortable sitting at a chair 2 seats before me with mischevious smile on his face. All of us turned to looked at him. I raised my eyebrows and pretended not to know anything. "I heard that you were the last one to arrived at Gua Hira and was the last one to come back also.." he said while eating some flower seeds. "Eh...where got!! We were not the last ones. Sue actually waited for others while climbing you know, that is why it took her so long to arrived and then while coming down she fell " explained Syikin enthusiatically. Faiz frozed from eating the flower seeds and within few seconds he burst into laughter. I closed my face with my right hand and shaked my head. "Syikin....please,be my guest..tell the whole world" I said. Syikin gave a apologetic smiled at me and continue eating her breakfast.
"Kak..if I was there, I definitely run towards you and have it recorded!" said Faiz still laughing. I rolled my eyes and ignored him. "You know, that was not the info that I get from them. I called them up every 15 minutes to know how you were but they keep on saying, you sooooooo left behind. You can asked him. He was the one who told me" he said and pointing at his friend. I gave an angry gazed at his friend and he gave a sign of surrender saying that he just telling what he sees. I told him that he gave the wrong info then. He just shrugged his shoulders and grinned at me.

"Where were you last night? I thought you were supposed to join us?" I asked curious. "Send this akak for her 'miqat' and then guide her and her son to do umrah" he answered nonchalantly. I looked at the direction he was pointing..it was Kak Maznah. "A'ah sue, he was the one who brought us coz Doctor needs to take care of adik," kak maznah answered innocently. I nodded and I thought to myself, why do I actually bothered where does he goes to? Why is it suddenly the jealousy overcomes me? Brushing the thought, I continued "You actually called them up every 15 minutes just to know where am I?" "YUP..." he answered mischieveously while munching peanuts now. I shaked my head and looked away.

At that moment, I felt weird. I remembered I just felt different. But I do not know where is that weirdness came from. Am I feeling something for him? Why is the chemistry is so strong? But it can't be. He is only 21 years old, for goodness sake! Syikin and Kak Maznah were chatting happily. I was not concetrating with their conversation.My mind was wandering somewhere else. I turned and saw that Faiz was staring at me. He smiled and looked away at once. Both of us went silent and pretended to listen to these 2 ladies deep conversation.

"How long more will you be studying?" I asked Faiz."Three more years insya ALLAH" he answered. "Are you going to be Imam then?", I asked again. It was like as though only both of us were there without surrounded by anyone else. We both actually having a serious conversation without being sarcastic with each other. "Nope,I don't want to be an Imam,why should I?" he replied without looking at me. "I don't know,maybe because you studied Islamic" I said. "I studied Islamic religion because I want to know more but not to be an Imam. I am not qualified to be one" he answered sternly."Then what do you want to be then?" I asked while stirring my coffee. "I don't know, maybe a doctor or to be the Best," he answered. "Best in what?" I asked frowning. "To be the very best among Allah servants " he answered with a smiled and winked at me. I gave him a half smiled and shake my head.
"Did you really fall at Jabal Nur last night?" he asked again. "Yes...why??funny huh?" I asked with my eyebrow raising up. "What happened?" he asked and I could see from his face that he is genuinely wants to know what has happened. "I have a problem with my left knee,it moves and I lost my balanced so I fell," I answered without a pause. "Oh.." that is all he answered. "Are you going to laughed again?" I asked. He shaked his head vigorously trying very hard not to laughed. "Hmmm...." I replied. Suddenly Syikin nudged me. "Come,let's go!I need to go and buy something, see you all around alright..salaam.."she said while getting up. "I need to go up and have a look at the kids too, see you" said Kak Maznah.

I got up and looked at Faiz. He too got up, nod his head at me and smiled. It was like a signal for everytime we meet and for everytime we depart. A nodding of heads tells everything. "Salaams..." I said. "Wasalam.." he replied nodding his head twice and looked up.
I was hesitant to make my move. I wanted to stay behind and talk to him again but we can't. Women and men are not allowed to talk without a third party around. Syikin already waited for me at the lift. I went up to the place where Syikin was standing.
I turned and saw Faiz already left to his office.
"Women,what's that all about?" Syikin with a curious tone. "What do you mean?"I asked pretending not to understand. "You know what I mean" she said smilling. The lift door opened and we went in. "Honestly friend,I have no idea..." I replied. While the lift door was closing,I could see Faiz passing by and he managed to turned,looked at me and turned away again. "That my friend..very the strong chemistry there..did you somehow pray the wrong thing to ALLAH?" she asked with a big grin on her face. "Hahah..i think so..i think so.." I replied with a laughed.

The chemistry was so strong that it does not ends there...it continues to be more complicated..gets more confused along the way..till one fine day,coming back from Masjidil Haram after Subuh prayers...

to be continued...

How time passes...part 2

"Acu!!!""..the twins squealed my nickname in delight in front of everybody at the cafeteria. I was like..duh...why the heck you have to shout like that???I asked those two girls and they just answered me with a giggle. I shooked my head and proceed myself to make a cup of coffee.Everybody was still sleepy as the Subuh at Makkah is way before 5am.

Suddenly, I heard a announcement that whoever wants to climb Jabal Nur aka Gua Hira tomorrow night then they have to give their name to their respective mutawiff. Quickly, I went up to my nephew and asked whether will we be going and he said.."OF COURSE!! Ayah will give our name. You wanna follow us,Acu?" I nodded my head with a smile. Gua Hira..the place where Rasullullah receive his first testament from Jibrail. Yes,I do remember that story very well. While daydreaming thinking about how it felt climbing the Gua Hira, I felt someone tapping on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Liza grinning at me widely.
"What are you daydreaming about? Your boyfriend back in Malaysia?" she asked.
"Hmph..I wish I have one to daydreaming about..hahaha" I answered with a laughed. At that moment, Faiz came in with his group of friends and they saw us laughing happily. I raised my eyebrows at Faiz and he winked back at me. Hold on..what did he just do??
And then Syikin, my other friend called Faiz to come over. I looked at Syikin with a frown on my face..was like..err...why?? "I got something to asked him about the tahlil tonight and aqiqah," she answered. I just shrugged my shoulder and continue talking to Liza who is happily eating her bread with peanut butter. Again, I did not bother Faiz existence even though he is in front of me right now. Suddenly, Liza's husband asked how long does it take to climb the Gua Hira to Faiz. He answered "Normal is only 30 minutes but i think if its for this sister,(he point his finger towards me) it takes her 1 hour plus". I still remember the cynical smile on his face when i looked at him. I was dumbfounded when i heard his answers. My friends were trying not to laugh but obviously they can't help it. They burst into laughter and I can feel my face was scarlet red. Damn you Faiz for indirectly insulting me that I am fat!!I'll show you I can go up and will come down within 1 hour,insya ALLAH.." I said that to his face.
He laughed and shook his head. "I did not insult you, I am just giving you the motivation" he said and raising his eyebrow to me. I squeezed my eyes trying to composed myself from getting more angry. I felt Syikin's hand squeezing my arm. I turned to her and saw the question look on her face...as though asking in silent..Beb,what's going on here women??What's up with you and our mutawiff", I can see her eyes looking at me with wonder. I turned my gaze at Faiz again who are still smiling happily.
"Fine..its a motivation then..revenge huh? for bullying you back there at AL Ula?"
Faiz just shrugged his shoulder and left our place. I stared with amazement. He actually dared to say that to me? The so called Ustaz who supposedly not to have a eye to eye contact conversation with a women? Or was I the one initiate all this? At that moment, I felt something but I do not know what it is. Something weird feeling growing in me. I brushed off the thought instantly and continue talking with my friends whom also wondering what just happens.

Exactly at 9pm,our group of 'jemaah' already preparing themselves for the trip to Jabal Nur and waiting for the bus to pick us up at the lobby. Some of them even wearing hiking shoes, some of them wearing sweaters and boots and yes not forgetting my friend Syikin is wearing baju kurung, mind you. When she came out from the lift, I was stunned to see her so innocently wearing baju kurung. "Are you getting the date wrongly? the tahlil was yesterday night.." I said with a giggle."Oi..i did not bring a lot of clotheslah, women. Jahat you..i never expect to climb a mountain when i came here, you know!" she said with her hands on the hip. I just giggled and that moment I wasn't aware that I was indirectly looking for someone. I saw a group of mutawiff whispering with each other and giggled while they were staring at me. That's it..I was looking for Faiz because he was no where to be seen at that time.
And these group of mutawiff were laughing AT me...not with me..but AT me..geez,Faiz definitely says something to them about me could not climb Jabal Nur. I felt my face flushed and looked away instantly but where is Faiz anyway? I did not see him anywhere..deep inside me was hoping that he will be around. There was a voice in me says, you gonna climb because of him...you gonna climb because you want to show him that you can do it..that you are women who won't defeat easily. Yes, that's it..I want to show him but yet...He wasn't around..where the heck is he? and why is it I want to see him badly??Go figure...hmmm...

"SUEE!!!!! WAIT FOR ME!!!!" Syikin were shouting asking me to slow down. "Come Syikin, we can't stop now! We are getting there!!!Look! We nearly there...faster!!everybody is there already!!" I shout with my short of breath. With so much of difficulties,and so much of hassle while climbing the Jabal Nur, at last we arrived at Gua Hira together with others 'jemaah' who has arrived there 30 minutes earlier than us. I dump myself at one of the big rock outside the cave and stared with amazement of how beautiful the Makkah is from above. Syikin immediately drank a whole bottle of mineral water to quench her thirst and grinned at me. She really looked exhausted and satisfied. "We made it" she said and stared at the same direction that I was looking. Then I saw something amazing. I turned to Syikin and poked her to look to the direction that I was pointing. She looked and gasped..."Masha ALLAH...Masjidil Haram..." we both went silent and enjoy the scenery after 1 hour climbing the Jabal Nur. Yes,i did not manage to climb the Jabal Nur within 30 minutes. There so many people that left behind that I do not have the heart to leave them especially Syikin. So, together we motivate ourselves to climb further and finally we reached the final post. It does not matter how long does it take for me to climb, I don't really care if Faiz will laughed at me if he finds out. It's the matter of I actually made it. I actually have succeeded climbing a 2500feet mountain with so much of effort. I could not describe to you how it felt when I was started to climb. There aura felt as though saying...GIVE UP! GIVE UP! but somehow or rather, an elderly 'jemaah' came to me and says ..."Can you imagine that everyday Khadijah climb this mountain with an elephant just to deliver food to our beloved Rasulullah?? If she can, so can you. Just tell yourself that this mountain is part of your life...your future where you been trying to achieve but so many obstacles to go through...you may struggle in life but yet you believe one fine day you will succeed in life,Insya ALLAH, so dear girl..start believing that you can,so come on,let's climb" he said with a soft smile on his face.I do still remember his face till today when he sat beside me while taking a rest. Without any hesitation, I remember I got up and did not stop climbing except waiting for the others. Of course, I will never forget that confidance feeling in me.

After 15 minutes of resting, I got up and went into the cave. I 'sujud' and felt thankful to ALLAH S.W.T for actually giving me this chance to be here. I sat there for about 10 minutes after suddenly I heard the mutawiff were annoucing that we need to go down within 20 minutes. All the 'jemaah' take this opportunity to take photos and I felt somebody is taking candid photos of me. I turned and saw one of Faiz's friend's is taking my picture at his handphone. He pretended to be taking other people's photos too. My eldest niece came up to me at once and told me that she saw the mutawiff is taking photos of me and she wonder why. I told her to just ignore it.

Everybody was being very careful when going down. It was kind of slippery due to the sands and it was really dark. I had a knee problem and climbing awhile ago was really painful moment for me. Trying to composed myself and ignoring the pain, I continued my journey. With Syikin holding my shoulder,I was being very careful. Step by step I went down and suddenly we heard a 'crack' sound and without any signal..'THUMP!" I fell down in the middle of Jabal Nur. I was falling like a car crushing down at the alley without a break. All i could hear was Syikin screaming my name from the top of her lungs. At that moment, I felt like a roller coaster trying to find ways to stop. All I could think of is 'PLEASE ALLAH!! stop me from falling or take me NOW!!!!! I closed my eyes and then suddenly I stopped...it took me awhile to realised what just happened.In dazed I tried to get up but I couldn't. From afar I heard Syikin voice and a guy coming down to get me..am i dead already?

to be continued....

How time passes...

How time passes...yeah..how time flies ever since i came back from umrah...went to brunei...came back..get myself a job and POOF!! it has already been 6 months since I last saw Kaabah aka Makkah, the only country that I am longing to go again.

I still remember when I wrote my first post in this blog.."To write well, you have to write what you really know"..so well,here goes. The story that I will never forget and will always embedded in my heart forever.

Standing outside the Makam Nabi at Masjid Nabawi,saying goodbye to our beloved Rasulullah was the most heartwarming moment for me at that time. The whole family cried and prayed that Insya ALLAH we will soon come back to visit Rasulullah again.

We went back to our hotel for breakfast and need to pack our luggages as we were about to leave to our next destination..Kota Tsamud and Makkah. At the lobby, I saw a group of Mutawiff were having deep conversation and stopped the moment my family stepped in. My brother in law greet with "Salaams" to them and they replied. As usual, I was always the last one to enter as I need to overlook my 3 golden ladies..ahaks. While I was waiting for the lift, I caught all the Mutawiff staring at me as though I am from another planet. I looked back at them with a curiousty look on my face and nod my head towards Faiz, the so called our Ustaz or our Mutawiff more like it. He smiled and nodded back at me. We were as though sending signal through our nodding of heads of asking what exactly are you guys staring at?? The lift door opened,still with a curiosity look and frowning on my face, I went in without getting any answers.

Approximately around 6pm, we arrived at Al-Ula Hotel after visiting the Kota Tsamud, the city which takes at least 3 days to finish. We were very tired from the 8 hours journey and unfortunately when we arrived at the hotel, there was no room for our family. It was the most shocking moment for all of us. So where are we supposed to sleep?my sister asked with her angry tone staring at our mutawiff. Speechless, Faiz and another mutawiff tried to solve the problem. My 3 golden girls already extremely tired from the long journey. Pity them. We ate our dinner at the hotel while waiting for an answer about our rooms. Exactly at 10pm,the problem solved. All of us need to share rooms with the others 'jemaah'. The 3 old ladies and myself shared 1 apartment with one family from Negri Sembilan.
I still remember Faiz was standing and looking at me with a lot of bags to be carried. I looked up and says "Hello...help please??" He smiled and took 3 begs from me and gestures to walk first. I shooked my head with irritation.
After we settled in the apartment, I heard a commotion outside the apartment. I went out,saw my sister and Kak Liya were squabbling with my brother in law about sharing rooms.It was unlikely that Kak Liya will be sharing a room with someone with a HUSBAND!!!! I voiced out with my of course loud voice "Kak Liya!!!I got a space for you in my room, you can sleep on the bed with mama and i will sleep on the floor. Anyway,its just for a couple of hours, no big deal.The other 2 ladies want to sleep in front of the tv at the living room, so come!No need to argue at the hallway" I said with one breath. Everybody was stunned and I did not realised that Faiz was standing beside me staring with amazement. I frowned at him and says with my authorative voice"As for you Faiz, please make sure the pillows and mattresses is here for the old ladies before you can go to your room,thank you...Kak Liya!!Come!!" I turned towards my apartment without realising that Faiz still staring at me. (This info of course been provided by my 2 beloved older niece..hhehhe)

Next morning,again I bullied Faiz with another remark about orange and mango juices. He still can't differentiate between those two drinks after being living in Arab for more than 3 years.DUH...I was like...serious ke that dungu?? So thats it..I don't remember I had a crush towards this boy or anything. I don't even realised his existense even from Jeddah airport to Madinah till the day at the lobby. That was the day I acknowledged his existence until somehow or rather an unusual feeling came at one unforgetable morning at the hotel in Makkah,the Holy Land.

Kaabah...how I remember how strong the aura of the Kaabah itself. I sat silently in front of Kaabah,staring while awaiting for Fajar prayers. I remembered the birds flew around the kaabah,thousands of men,women and children were reciting quran while doing their tawaf. I saw an old lady cried while she was praying. I looked back at Kaabah. This is it...this is the feeling when you going to die. You do your prayers, the sound of birds, the smell, the atmosphere, the sound of babies crying and people crying asking for HIS forgiveness...all this sounds reminds you, that death is coming nearer. The sound of baby crying...reminds how you first came to this world..the sound of crying asking for ALLAH forgivness reminds you the sins you have done..and all this...the prayers and all I'm doing right now..is it enough to be forgiven by HIM? Am I prepared to be taken by HIM at this moment? Am I? Tears falling down at my cheek and I looked around. My friend stopped reciting Yassin and stared at me with wonder. She took hold of my hand and we both stared at Kaabah in silent. No words to describe how we felt at that moment. Just our silences answers to everything. Suddenly,Azan was heard and we prepared ourselves to do our Solat Sunat Subuh. And then, I still remember how I cried all the way through Subuh prayers while the Imam reciting. It was the most beautiful voice I ever heard. The way he recite, and the rhythm..YA ALLAH, how I never forget that feeling. At that moment,I knew...I knew ALLAH is right there beside me...HE is really very near me...watching HIS servant crying and repent for the sins that she has done blindly. I will never forget that moment. Even after the prayers, my friend asked of why did i cried all the way through? For the first time in my life, I do not have the answer to that kind of question. Do I feel happy or sad? Or regret overcomes me?Only ALLAH knows how I feel. When I was about to leave..I saw Faiz finishing his prayers. He looked up and nod his head at me. I nodded back at him and walked away without realising that I was praying silently to have someone like him in my life. Never I realised that my silent prayers in front of Kaabah was somehow or rather, came true...

To be continued....

Batasku Asaku

Bila kutercipta dari tulang rusukmu
Mengapa kumampu sempurnakan hidupmu
Bila ku ada karena kau ada
Mengapa kau tak bisa sendiri saja

Dalam teguh tak larut belaian
Ranum sahaja bukan hiasan
Untaian cinta gapai genggaman
Yakinkan mimpi dalam iman

Batasku sadari raut kodratku
Asaku menari terbalut sorbanmu
Lembutnya jiwa sambut nestapa
Terngiang syahdu iman di dada

Bila cerita tak lagi ceria
Mahligai cinta merona terlena
Senada iman kusimpan derita
Kuatkan hati bersimpuh pada-Nya

This lyrics remind me of somebody and a situation which I will never forget..

Ketika Cinta Memanggil

Ada tiada rasa dalam jiwa
Rindu akan memanggil Mu
Karna setiap jiwa tlah bersumpah setia
Hanyalah pada Mu

Bila cinta ada di dalam jiwa
Wangi bunga dunia tanpa nestapa
Sgala yang dirasa hanyalah Dia
Hatikan memuja hanya padaNya

Ketika cinta memanggil
Gemetar tubuhku
Ketika cinta memanggil
Hangatnya nafasku
[ Ketika Cinta lyric found on www.lirik.tv ]
Ketika cinta memanggil
Sang rindu
Ketika cinta memanggil

Rindu... rindu... rindu kalbu
Memanggil-manggil nama Mu
Seperti terbang di langit Mu
Tenggelam di lautan cinta Mu

Bertabur kalbu yang rindu
Melebur menjadi satu
Bagai menari diiringi pelangi
Ketika cinta memanggil

I am in love with this song and the lyrics....

Continuation of a story...which is?

Honestly, i have so many things to tell but I am not sure which one is which to say it out first. My intention to continue my Umrah story has been postponed too many times due to..hmm..let me see..guess I was just not in the mood...I think..or maybe, just maybe due to some other reason.
The reason of me being so irritatingly annoyed at the moment because I saw something that had hurt me deeply which of course I do not wish to say it out in here...ok...NEXT!!!!

It has been a month since I started working as an Executive B.E.S.T MPH team...seriously, I felt as though I never left MPH before. Mostly of the staff still remembers me but one thing for sure, the management has not changed at all..hmm..can't expect much huh? A lot of them asked me, why did u come back? With your experience you can get better offer but why did you come back to work for MPH? Hmm..good question with no solid answer to give. The only defence that I have was...I love organising job,meaning going outdoor rather than sitting indoor.
But still the next question will be...but you still can get event coordinator job somewhere else what...seriously, I have no idea how i can get into MPH again. Maybe because of my friends,maybe because the environment, maybe I just missed being around books...or maybe...

I remember the prayers that I was reciting in front of Kaabah. "YA ALLAH,I want to change to be better person,please help me to fulfill my promise to myself that I will be a good Muslimah,be loyal and faithful towards YOU always and have a good career enough for myself to take care of my mother and YA ALLAH,YOU will decide the fate that I will face in future because YOU know more and better than I do about myself.."
Yes..i do still remember those exact prayers that I keep on repeating it in front of Kaabah. Maybe it was fate that I will come back to MPH...hmm..only HE knows. So,lets not debate on why I came back to MPH, that is so not important. What is more important is that I worked and everything that I'm doing right now is because of ALLAH S.W.T.
I have learned that everything you do in life will not be meaningful at all if you do not have a vision or mission to achieve something. All this years I have wasted my life in trying to impressed my boss,families, friends or whoever is around me just simply to get into their good books but never once I have this thought to get into ALLAH goods book...sad huh...so when I actually realised this, I tell myself.."hey,be who you are and not be who you are not supposed to be and cleanse your heart to do your job in a ALLAH's away and Insya ALLAH,you will always be blessed by HIM"..so..that's it...I will do the best as how much I can in my job and fulfill the high expectation from the Upper management towards me..well..we're just humans but not robots. Even Rome wasn't build in one day. It takes a decade for Rome to achieve their goals wasn't it?
"What you do in life,echoes in eternity"..hmm..i love this quote and sometimes it scares me. Everything we do now will be question in afterlife...geez..eerie.. Sit down and think will ya. What exactly you want to achieve in your life? and everything you do now,where does it lead to? Does it lead to ALLAH's way or the other way round? I know what I want...I definitely wants to be in ALLAH's good books...what about you?

Be honest or not to be honest..

Ok..I am pissed off with somebody. I could not describe how pissed I felt at the moment. Is like...a really big question mark in my head on why people keep on hurting other people by silencing themselves. What exactly did I do? If I did something wrong, can't they just tell me straight to my face? Why do they have to go missing in action?
It is really hurting me terribly..I thought both of us had that bonding. A mutual bonding that both of us can be friends forever. I really thought we could maintain that friendship but my thought was wrong. For no particular reason..it's just disappear. No clue..no answer...just a jigsaw puzzle lying on the table scattered everywhere with nobody finishing it.
I tried not to be angry..i tried to understand there is a blessing in disguise but my heart is too upset. People around me says "ignore it sue, you have gone through worse than this". How could I? Friendship is everything to me. Friends are like your family in a way. They will be just one call away when you need them.I really do treasure my friends, doesn't matter who or what they are. But well, maybe I am not worth it to be their friend...maybe.
I guess I need to be careful with my own heart next time. In the end, I will be the one who broke down and cry. I had enough people treating me this way. The pain in my heart is extremely wordless for me to describe.
If you are reading this my dear friend...you have hurt me deeply and please think of ALLAH when you decided to hurt me this way.

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible, even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls but pass it does. Even for me.."

Insya ALLAH..the wound in my heart will pass...soon..ameen..

THE GREATEST JOURNEY EVER - UMRAH - Part 1

"Labbayk Allahuma labbayk. Labbayka laa shaareeka laka labbayk. Innal-hamda wan-ni'mata laka wal mulk. Laa shareeka lak"

'Oh here I am Oh Allah, here I am. You have no partner, here I am. Surely all praise, grace and dominion are YOURS, and you have no partner!"

When my eldest sister announced that I'll be joining her family to go for Umrah, I was speechless. As though a dream has come true. The only place I have longing to see, Madinah and Makkah and Alhamdulillah Allah has granted my wish and even invited me to be one of his guest at Baitullahil-Haram.

I still remember on 16th March 2009, exactly at 10am all 12 of us left our home,jobs and families to cleanse our soul and give ourself entirely to ALLAH S.W.T. Four taxis waited for us outside of the house to drive us to KLIA. I remembered my nieces and nephews were laughing all the way to the airport. Very happy and nervous at the same time as though we are going for a school trip. My brother in law were reciting few verses of Al-Quran, my sister is half asleep and oh yes...not forgetting my dear 3 Golden Girls..my mother, my sister's mother in law and tok mina(a neighbour)for whom that I have to take care when we reached there. Taking care of old people is the toughest job,mind you.Patient is a virtue, that's the word..hehe.

So, after checking in our luggages,getting our tags by the travel agent, we waited till 2pm for boarding. Exactly at 3pm, our flight, Saudi Arab Airlines left Kuala Lumpur to Jeddah airport,my heart was beating very fast. Indirectly suffocating with my own breathing. Could not describe how nervous and excited I was to go for this trip. I kept repeating say thank you to ALLAH silently in my heart for giving me this chance to go. Alin's voice could be hear in my head..."SU!!!!you are so lucky to be invited by ALLAH to go..oh dear, I am so amazed that you get to do Umrah". Yes, I was was one of the lucky ones..Alhamdulillah.

Along the way to Jeddah, we only see daylights. I remember the twins with a curiosity in their eyes asked me this "Its already 8pm, why is it not dark yet??" I laughed when I heard that remark. I explained the time difference and they nodded their head satisfied.

I could not remember how many times I slept and wake up. All of us grew very agitated .My nephew start snapping some photos in the flight due to boredom. The twins kept asking for cold drinks as the weather was very hot. I smiled when I saw the irritation on the flight attendants face whenever they asked for drinks. I think within 8 hours of journey, more than 20 times they will call the stewardess. Myself,kept staring outside the window wondering how does Masjid Nabawi and Masjidil Haram looks like. Closing my eyes, imagining how beautiful it will be. I knew my imagination will become reality soon. Suddenly,signal to wear seatbelt was ON and the Captain spoke that we will be landing at Jeddah Airport within 20 minutes.I looked at my nieces and they smiled at me. I could read from their eyes saying.."hey...we are getting there soon"

We landed at Jeddah Airport exactly at 7pm,Arab Saudi time. Getting our passport checked, after grabbing our luggages, we went outside to wait for our bus who will be taking us to Madinah directly from Jeddah. The weather was chilled. My nieces and I was joking around to ignored the coldness that we felt. We put on our jackets and swearters. We gotten impatient as the bus was delayed 2 hours. The bus reached at 9pm. When I heard from my sister that the journey from Jeddah to Madinah took 6 to 7 hours, I was like...ok...6 more hours for my patience to be subside.

After loading our luggages into the bus,we climb into the bus. Still smiling and laughing even though the tiredness that we felt is unbearable. Exactly at 10pm, the bus start moving slowly,our Mutawiff introduce himself and recite some prayers for us. I looked outside the window ignoring Mutawiff speech and told myself.."hey..I am reaching there..soon..just be more extra patience" then I smiled to myself. Everybody was so silent as though they felt exactly what I felt. The eagerness to be at Tanah Haram..Closing my eyes trying to sleep and so at last the journey to Madinah has begun....

ESQ....165...

Last weekened I went for Emotional Spritual course. It was the most breathtaking journey that I ever venture into. It helps me to find my innerself and alhamdulillah I feel more relaxed nowadays. More secure, peace in my heart and insya ALLAH I am ready to go for Umrah this Monday.
I do not know how to describe how exactly I really felt when I went for ESQ. It is as though you are entirely new person and a whole new life. I stilll remember what Legisan Sugiman (the speaker) said."Do not feel amazed with ESQ, do not feel amazed with us as the speaker but please be amazed with ALLAH of what HE has given to you,how loving and forgiving he is and there is no other GOD that more powerful than HIM".Yes..I remember exactly those exact words. What the speaker says is the truth. They just merely do their duty to make all of us realised the existence of ALLAH and how forgetfull we become about HIM. How bold we became that we can actually forget about HIM...Masha ALLAH.
At ESQ, I met few new friends. Friends that suddenly we have unusual bonding. The bonding that we or no one can never bind in any way. We understand each others problems. We talked to each other as though we became good friends since childhood. ALLAH has create this closeness for us to fight what we believe in and reach the ultimate goal and that goal is to stand still together for ISLAM,ALLAH and HIS PROPHET Nabi Muhammad. Yes, we have that bonding. SUBHANALLAH...
I cried a lot that 3 days. The tears that fell on my cheek realises of what I have done in these past few years. How I wasted my life on unnecessary matters where as there is nothing else matters beside ALLAH S.W.T. How stupid and ignorant was I all this time. Yes..I have realised that.
So here I am everyday asking for HIS forgiveness. To forgive me for all the sins that I have done towards other people and even to HIM. To give me the strength to carry on with this life and to destroys all satans that within me all this time.
May my journey to Makkah will be beneficial and more closer to you YA ALLAH!!!! ALLAHUAKBAR!ALLAHUAKBAR!!ALLAHUAKBAR!!!

What is happening now?

It has been few weeks since my last post. And I have been very busy to update MY STORY. I guess it had to wait till I come back from Umrah, insya ALLAH. Yup, I'll be leaving for umrah soon. With God willing, confirm date to leave is 16th March.
I am grateful with my sister for wanting to bring me along.Guess a lot of people wanting me to find my soulmate so hope if i pray in front of house of Allah, my wish will be fulfilled...ameen...
There is so many things that I wish for. For starters, I want to be completely change spritualy,physically and mentally. A promise to myself that I make a point to be more muslimah starting this year. Need a change...could no longer live in a world of fantasy. Peace, secure and happy, guess that is the most important aspect in my life right now. Try not to be so angry with life,temperamental and revengeful towards whoever has hurts me deeply. I have lost a lot due to my own stupidity and I don't think I want to lose my life again. The past has been haunting me for so many years and i have been doing a hell a lot of bad things lately...yeah..need a change.
I realise the more I am about to leave for Umrah, the more Allah is testing me and my family. For instance, about my 2nd sister. She has no where to go. No place to stay and no one she can voice out her problem too. My elder sister and brother refuses to help her because in their mind..she will not or never change. Everyday I pray to ALLAH to soften the hearts of my elder sister and brother. To make them see that maybe one day, they will face the same problem but in a different way, do they wants us to turn our back from them then when that happens? My late father used to say, "Blood is thicker than water" no matter where you go or what you do, we will always be the family. My father never once turn his back from his siblings, no matter how irritating or annoying they been.
Cruelty and arrogant doesn't lead you to no where. I have been there and i know it. I even live on a streets due to my own stuborness. Money and status can change people to be so arrogant with their surroundings. My sister and brother went everywhere in order to save the Palestines...yes..Save The PalestineS!!! I salute my siblings for doing so...but yet,their own sister is dying. Dying to gain for their help and guidance but they just refused to help. Islam doesn't teaches us to be angry and walked away. Islam teaches us to be angry and correct the people we love if they make mistake, lead them to the right path.
I am angry with my 2nd sister for the mistakes she has done but how far my anger can go? She is still my sister. My blood is streaming in her veins too.I may not have money to help her or home for shelter but I do have my conscience to be there for her when she needs me.Yep,my 2nd sister will be in my list in my prayers for Umrah. I want her to change and lead a better life and hope Allah will give her a chance to be a good person like how HE has given me a chance to do so...
Am I the only one who thinks that in the end,she is still always be our sister and no one can change that? Hmm...I think so...

UNKINDNESS OF REALITY

“Dear ladies and gentleman’s, this is your Captain speaking. We will be expected to be arriving in Malaysia approximately at 8pm sharp. On behalf of our crew, we would like to say thank you for choosing MALAYSIA Airline, we hope you enjoy traveling with us and have pleasant stay in Malaysia. To our Malaysian out there, WELCOME HOME!!!!”
It is kind of blurry for me when the Captain make the announcement. I adjust my seat and look at my watch, twenty more minutes to go before we actually landed at my hometown, Malaysia.
I left Malaysia 5 years ago to join volunteer work under MERCY. I went everywhere, but one place that I seemed to be forgetting is my own home until recently I received an urgent message from my sister asking me to come back immediately. Suddenly, a women voice startled me on my left side seat. “So how long have you been away?” she asked grinning at me.
“Pardon me?” I asked frowning at her as I am very sure I have already answered that question more than ten times.
“I said….” Before she could say anything else, a voice came up from the speaker instructing all passengers to fasten their seatbelts and prepare for landing.
I look outside the window and saw the plane approaching the runaway. I buckle up my seat belt and straightened my chair. I have always had this syndrome of nervous breakdown whenever the plane is taking off or touchdown at the runaway. I will be sweating and my pulse will be racing as though I am running on a track for an Olympic games. Tapping my forefinger at the armrest, closing my eyes and at the same time reciting few verses from the Al-Quran to ease my panic attack. Ok..alright,don’t panic…don’t panic, everything will be fine…trying to ease myself of.
Suddenly, I feel someone tapping at my shoulder. Still refusing to open my eyes, out of no where, a gentle voice speak to me.
”Excuse me Miss, we have already landed. You can unbuckle your seatbelt and come down now,” said the flight attendant with a wide grin on her face. I turned around and realize the flight has already empty. Blushing and smiling shyly at the flight attendant, I rushed to the door quickly to exit myself.

Coming out at Arrival Hall, I notice Lisbeth my best friend, who is picking me up, is making faces with few kids who is making a lot of noise around her. She must be bored waiting for me as the flight was delayed. One of the boys, stick his tongue out to Lisbeth, and as always Lisbeth will refuse to act as an adult when we expect her to be, she too stuck her tongue out and told him to shut up. The boy gasped in shock and running off to his mum, crying and pointing his finger towards her. The mother glared at Lisbeth. She just shrugged her shoulder and rolled her eyes.
“How childish can you get? After all this years, you have not changed at all,” I said with a big smile on my face.
“Sophia!!!!! Welcome home!!! Oh gosh! I miss you so much!” Lisbeth is squealing in delight after seeing me. We hugged and cried at the same time. We realized it has been 5 years, since we last met.
“Ok..allright , let’s not get too emotional right now. Where’s your bag?”, said Lisbeth wiping tears from her eyes. She look around searching for my luggage. After a few seconds, she realizes that her best friend, has not changed one bit at all.
“Please don’t tell me, that’s all you bringing back?” she asked with a frown on her forehead. I nodded and show her my backpack and notebook.
“Geez Sophia, is that all? No souvenirs for your beloved adoring best friend?” she makes a pout face pretending to be upset. I laughed and hugged her more fiercely.
“Gosh..I miss you so much! What do you expect me to bring back for you? Boxes of bandages and medications? Hahahha..oh!come on now Lis, I promised I will get anything you want from here to compensate” I winked at her and laugh out loud.
“Promise? Anything? “ she asked hopefully.
“Yes, promise.. anything BUT excluding forcing me to go on a blind date set by you “ Lisbeth snorted at me and I laughed again.

“So, what does Farra want?” asked Lisbeth after we have settled ourselves in her car and driving through KL town after a quick drink at a mamak stall at the roadside.
“I have no idea, she send me ‘911’ message to me 2 days ago. So, here am I, back to hometown,” I answered while looking outside the window mesmerizing on how Kuala Lumpur has changed a lot.
“911? Our red alert code? Hmm..either she is in trouble or big problem is on the way. Hope she is not pregnant.” she said grinning to herself. I chuckled at that statement and glared at her. After 5 years, she has not change at all. She still the same adoring, funny and irritating friend that I met 15 years ago.
“Are you still doing event management for Istana Budaya?” I asked her curiously. The last email I received from her was 6 months ago where she was brooding and mourning herself for some guy who don’t seem to be appreciating her at all. But of course, knowing Lisbeth, she would have found someone else by now.
“Yes, I am still with Istana Budaya. A lot project lately. One of it is “Puteri Gunung Ledang III. Do you still have the DVD that I send it to you?, now they are on theater, they have shown it twice and now they doing the third but of course M.Nasir will not be acting as Hang Tuah, to macho for him I guess,” Lisbeth explained enthusiastically without a paused. I smiled and looked out the window again.
“So many things has changed,” I said admiring the tall building along Jalan Bukit Bintang.
“That my friend, we called THE PAVILION, one of the biggest shopping mall here in KL. You can’t expect that Malaysia will look the same like how you left it 5 years ago aren’t you?,” she said as matter factly. I just shrugged my shoulders and continue to admire the cities light and night scenery. It is so breathtaking beautiful. I guess I do miss this place so much.
“How long are you going to be around this time?” Lisbeth asked eyeing me at the corner of her eye and still concentrating her driving on the road.
“Depends how big Farra problem will be” I answered quietly. What could possibly the biggest problem that Farra could not solve it until the need in asking me to come back. Is Mama giving her hard time? Hmm…mama…my mother. The main reason that I was avoiding to come back all this years. Brushing off that thought, I continue to admire the lights.

“Heard about the Palestines..” suddenly Lisbeth break the silence in the car.
“H’mm…I heard Malaysia is helping how much they can. Collecting donations and all. MERCY has been getting a lot of clothes and food supply from everywhere but money plays a major role in here, they need to build their country all over again. The war has destroyed many buildings there. I could not imagine how cruel human being can get. Killing innocent children’s especially,” I realized my tone of voice has changed. There is a croak at my throat when I speak.
“You are so you…very passionate about this whole thing. You love children, helping the needy but as for me, even if a cat whining at me asking for food, I couldn’t be bothered” Lisbeth said shrugging her shoulders.
“We do have opposite character Lis, which is why we became best friend. I don’t think you could stand me being you,” I said grinning at her. Lisbeth stick her tongue at me, I just shake my head wondering when this girl will will ever grow up.
“Hey…out of curiosity, are you going? I mean are you leaving to Gaza soon?” she asked with a tone hoping that I will not be going.
“Yes…maybe…they need me,” I answered slowly. I felt that I minced my words but I know Lisbeth understand. Both of us went silent for a while.
“Sophie…he has been gone for 7 years, you know. Do not hold it back too much,” said Lisbeth with a concern tone.
I turned to her and sighed. “I know Lis….I know…” I muttered like a whisper. Lisbeth went very quiet but I knew she could hear my reply.

After one hour driving around Kuala Lumpur city, finally Lisbeth reach the front gate of my house.
“Hey…do you hear that?” asked Lisbeth when both of us getting out from her car. I looked up and from far ahead I heard voices shouting and screaming at each other. I nodded at Lisbeth and sighed heavily.
“Do you need me around you?” asked Lisbeth with a concern look. I shake my head and gave her a tight hug and said, “That must be mama and Farra arguing. No big deal. If they carry on fighting like that, I just get myself flight ticket tonight and leave again,” I said jokingly and grinning at Lisbeth. She make a chuckled noise, hugged me one more time, promised to meet me for lunch tomorrow and droved away.
Ok….come on Sophia…you can do it. Get moving! It took me awhile to get into that big house. I feel as though my feet are stuck on the driveway. How alienated it felt looking these four walls in front of me. This house supposedly been called as MY HOME. Home...how strange that words sound. I took a deep breath and marched into the front door.

”BUT MA!!!! I WANT TO MARRY HIM!!!! Farrar voice could be heard from across the street.
“Don’t you dare go against me, young lady!” and of course my mother voice is louder than Farra, which I think, could be heard across the country. I was tiptoeing at the front door listening to their arguments.
“Why can’t you just accept the fact that your younger daughter fell in love with non malay guy? WHY? Why does it you have to make everything damn difficult?” I could hear Farra is sobbing through her words.. So, this is it. This is the problem that Farra wants me to come back. The war between my mother with her. The need of me around to defend her. To defend her of her forbidden love that my mother against so much from before. I am contemplating whether I should enter the house now. Not when the water is boiling on the stove but standing outside here freezing, it is not such a good idea for me either. I got up from the place I was crouching, inhaled and exhaled deeply, holding the doorknob and opened the door, which I called as the door to hell.

“Hello?” I called out in a very tiny voice. Both my mother and Farra turned at my direction. Farra squealed loudly and came across the room to hug me. After a long warm hug, I pushed her away lightly to have a good look at her face. She still has the same smile and chubby face. My little sister whom I abandoned 5 years ago to be on her own without an elder sister to guide her.
“ I am glad you came back and I miss you so much” she said and hugged me again. While hugging, I looked across the room and saw my mother standing there speechless. I break free from Farra and went up to my mother. She just stands there emotionless. All of my life, I could never understood her expression. No smile or laughter to relate whether she was happy or unhappy, not even a sign wanting to hug. Standing in front of her now, staring at each other in silent.
“Mama…how are you?” I asked and at the same time take her hand to kiss it.
“So…you are back to defend your sister huh?” she asked without a blink. I looked up and gave her a tight smile.
“Not even 10 minutes, I step into this house and you already badgering me?” I said crossly.
“And within 10 minutes, you already given that tone towards your mother” she answered vainly. I sighed deeply and moved away from her.
“I came back because Farra needs me. I do not know what the problem was till just now I overheard the conversation” I said and winked at Farra. She grinned happily at me.
“Both of you always get on my nerves! I would not let you talk to me into this, Sophie! No matter what are your terms, I would not agree to it!” she said and hastily walking up the staircase towards her room.
“You already lost one daughter before; do you need to lose another to realize what your mistake was?” I asked indirectly shouting at her. She stopped abruptly at the staircase and turned at my direction. I am waiting for a slap or worse, more shouting and screaming but instead I saw not hatred or anger but hurt and painful expression across her face. I realized at that time I was going overboard with that statement.
“Ma…I didn’t mean too…didn’t mean to say that way,” I felt a tremor in my voice. She held up her hand to stop me from continuing my sentences. Trying to compose herself, she closed her eyes and said, “We’ll talk in the morning, get some rest, you had a long day. Farra, get the bed ready for your sister”, after instructing Farra, she walked up the staircase again. I tried to call her back and apologized but somehow or rather, my voice does not come out.

Next morning, when I am awake, the smell of ‘nasi lemak’ and hot brewed coffee was too overwhelming until it went into my nostrils. Damn, there goes my diet. I don’t think I can resist Mak Jah’s cooking. She was and has been the greatest cook that I ever met. I quickly got up and brushed my teeth. Not bothering to take a shower, I went downstairs and saw Mak Jah setting the table for breakfast. It took her awhile to realize that somebody is peeking at her, she looked up and gasped.
“OH MY!!!! Sophia…my dearest. You’re home!” she screamed and open her arms waiting for me to embrace her. I ran to her and quickly kiss both her hands before proceed to hug her tightly.
“I miss you Mak Jah…I can smell your ‘nasi lemak’ even in my sleep,” I said grinning widely at her.
“I miss you too dearest…when did you arrive?” she asked looking at me affectionately, her hands is caressing my face as though there is too many wrinkle lines that need to be wash off. Her eyes are beaming when she looked at me. Before I could answer, a familiar voice came from the front door.
“Don’t get too excited Mak Jah, she might leave again …soon”. Of course, who else if not my wicked queen mother. Mak Jah quickly breaks away from me and pull the chair for her. I shake my head and said, “Good morning Mama…coffee for you I assumed?” I went around the table to pour a cup of coffee for her.
“Hmm…thank you” she replied without looking at me. Ignoring everyone as usual, she grabs her newspaper and start to read. I turned to look at Mak Jah, she smiled and continue doing her chores. Speechless with my mother’s attitude, I pour myself some coffee too and start to eat the ‘nasi lemak’.
It has been such a long time since the last time I eat home cook food, especially Mak Jah’s cooking. I am enjoying the food so much until I do not realize that my mother is staring at me.
“Ma…you are the one who told me, it is rude to stare at people,” I said with my mouth full.
“Don’t they feed you enough? You look as though you can swallow a cow! Eat slowly, the food won’t go anywhere” my mother said sternly and continue reading. I snorted and ignored her sarcasm. After 15 minutes, I could no longer hide the feeling of irritation due to silence mode between my mother and me.
I swallowed and start to speak. “Hmm...guess what? This daughter of yours has not been back…let me see. Five long years. right? I will be grateful if you could update me of what has been happening lately,” I raised my two eyebrows at her repeatedly. Shrugging her shoulders, still not looking at me she replied nonchalantly “ What is there to tell? I know what you have been doing all this time, so what’s new? Nothing interesting about me either”.
Taking a deep breath I said, “Ma…you know, sooner or later, we need to discuss about Farra” I sipped my coffee and continue eating. My mother put down her paper and turned to look at me. Ha! that had gotten her attention.
“So…you are back to defend her then. You very well know I won’t budge from my decision Sophia” she answered sternly. I sipped my coffee calmly and cleared my throat.
“Mama…. I did not come back to argue with you if that is what you think. I came back because Farra needs me. She has no one else turn too. Just give them the blessing Ma. What is so bad about that?” Honestly, I do hope after what happened few years ago, she will change or at least her heart is bit softened. My heart is thumping loudly waiting for her reply. Only my mother could give me the effect of feeling scared towards someone.
She lay back at her chair and took a deep breath, gazing at me, “You very well know why”, she answered softly then she stares into space. I exhaled, at least she does not shout at me.
“Ma, listen and please do not misunderstand of what I am going to say here. I am not taking sides but not all-Caucasian men are like papa. Do not compare them with my ungrateful father. I do admit that papa was a jerk and he treats you bad but do not stop another daughter of yours to achieve her happiness” I said without a paused. Trying to reach out for her hand but she ignores my gestures. Hurt by her reaction, I lower my hand again.
“What if Farra doesn’t get the happiness that she deserves?” she asked staring at me. I looked up, pushing my plate away from me and playing with time to find the right word before answering.
“Then let her face it. That is the reality that she needs to face. She needs to know, love is not a fantasy that everybody always imagine. You need to let her go through with it. Do not shield her from making mistakes. She is not your little girl anymore and neither do I,” I said with one breath.
“Both of you will always be my little girls and I will always be your mother” she replied getting up to leave the table. I sighed and shake my head.
Looking at her getting up to leave the table, I cannot help to feel disappointed with my mother who keeps running away from reality. I pressed my forehead to think in what other ways I would be able to put some sense in my mother stubborn head. Suddenly, I saw her stopped walking and I heard a sniff.
“By the way Sophia, I have wanted to say this to you. I am deeply sorry for what happened 7 years ago. I should have given you my blessing at that time,” she said without turning her back and start walking away again. I was too dumbfounded to say anything. I want to get up and embrace her but my body refuses to move any muscle. I just sit there and watch her leaves.

I am in my room reading when I heard Farra screaming her heads off happily. She burst into my room without knocking and ran across the room to hug me.
“Thank you! Thank you! I owe you big time!” she said squealing with laughter.
“Ok…what have I done?” I asked her releasing myself from her and frowned.
“Mama has agreed to let me marry William. She has given her green light. I knew it! I knew she will listen to you. Thank you…I owe you big time, sis! All right, there so much to do and plan now. I have to call all my friends, allright, where do I start? Oh by the way, Lisbeth is here. I saw her downstairs,” she said in one breath and ran out from my room hastily.

I shake my head and laugh. So, at last the heart of my ice queen mother has melted. I smiled to myself and realize that Lisbeth is leaning at my door.

“Hey there! You just in time for the good news!” I said grinning broadly.
“Hmph…Farra already doing jumping jet in front of me,” Lisbeth replied rolling her eyes and lie down beside me on the bed.
“Don’t be surprise she will bug us with the wedding preparation. Damn…that will be very irritating,” I said with a tone of exasperation.
“So, you will be here that long?” she asked suddenly sitting up facing me. It took me a while to reply her question.
“Well, I told you that I will be here till Farra problem is solve, now mission accomplished, yet another mission to attend to,” I said winking at her knowing she already knew the answer.

She sighed, got up from my bed and walks up to my balcony. I am quite puzzled with Lisbeth’s mood swing tonight. She does not seem to be herself right now.

“Lis? What is up? Is there anything wrong?” I asked with a puzzled expression. I saw her took a deep breath and came to sit beside me again.
“I came to give you this”, she said quietly. I saw her taking out a small box from her velvet clutch beg and held it to me.
“Awww…Lis, are you proposing to me too?” I asked jokingly. No expression on her face, instead she gestures towards the box. I frown looking at her behaving oddly.
“Go ahead, open it and you know” she said instructing me without looking at my face.
Still puzzled with her character, slowly I untie the ribbons from the small box and open it. In the box, laid the most spectacular charm bracelet that I recognize it at once. I gasped and froze. It was the bracelet that Daniel promised to give it to me for our 1st wedding anniversary.
“Where. Do. You .Get. This?” I asked in a very low voice looking at her.
She crouch her shoulders contemplating whether she should answer my question, and after few seconds, she replied.
“Daniel passed it to me the day you both met with the accident. Daniel wanted to make it as though he forgotten your anniversary and he asked me to hide it in your handbag, then…”she closed her eyes before she continue with her sentences. “ I wanted to give you after the surgery but you…you were very fragile at that time and I was afraid that you will get terribly hurt if I have given it to you. Then you left, never came back within these five years so now…I thought…” I could feel a tremor in her voice. She is controlling her emotions trying not to cry.

My whole body trembled when I held the bracelet in my palm. I feel my heart is thumping loudly as though it could explode anytime and every beat of the heart is excruciating painful for me to bear. How I hate it when the past is haunting me again.

“Sophia? I am so sorry if I have caused you any pain,” Lisbeth said with a nervous tone.
I shake my head and held her hand assuring that I am fine.
It takes me at least 15 minutes to stabilize myself. Lisbeth and I get up and sit at the balcony to get some fresh air. When Lisbeth notice that I have already calm down, she starts to speak. “You need to stop blaming fate for what happen, Sophia,” I ignored the statement that Lisbeth just make.
Not waiting for me to reply, Lisbeth continued “It has been seven years that he has gone, you need to let it go and move on,” Lisbeth still eyeing at me whether I am upset with her statement.
“How can I possibly let it go, Lis? He was my soul mate,” I said looking at her.
“Sophia, he is with you always. He left his heart with you trusting that you will take care of yourself, not wasting it by going off to a battlefield in attempting suicide,” I could sense there is an anger tone in her voice.

“What did you just say? He left his heart for me huh? Me going off to help people is like attempting suicide is it? Do you know how difficult it was for me all this time to accept that my new heart was once upon a time belonged to Daniel? Which sane person could accept that you are still living because the husband is listed as a organ donor and wow…his own wife got his heart. Do you know how hard it was for me to go on living where as he is not here LIVING RIGHT HERE,RIGHT NOW WITH ME NOW? You know what Lis, I don’t think you know,” I said half shouting at Lisbeth.
I cover my face with my right hand and close my eyes. How can I let it go? It hurts me greatly every time I thought that I am losing the vivid imagination of his face day after day. I am so scared that I will forget that he ever existed. I still remember as though it was only yesterday that I was lying on hospital bed with tubes and wires tied up on me. How I still remember I was screaming in pain after discovering the truth that Daniel has gone. Of course, I do remember clearly, the pain was unbearable.

Suddenly I felt Lisbeth warm hand touches my arm.
“Forgive me for hurting you, Sophia. I did not mean to hurt you at all. It is just …it has been too long and I feel as though you are stuck and not moving on at all,” Lisbeth said with a low voice.
“I am not stuck Lis, just need time to heal that’s all” I muttered. Lisbeth nodded and sighed.
“Understood. Everybody does, who doesn’t. You know you may take 10 years or more to recuperate but life goes on. Sophia, think what Daniel would want you to do with your life. I know it is hard but you need to start somewhere” she said while gazing at her watch. She fidgeted anxiously and continue to speak “Just think about it allright? Look, I want to stay longer but I have to go and pick my mum up at KLCC Convention Centre. I see you tomorrow okay? You take care friend,” she gives me a hug, stared at my face for a while, get up and leaves. I nodded and watch her leave my room without a word.


It is already past midnight. The silence of the night comforts me. Only the sounds of cricket making noise as if gossiping with each other behind my back. Lisbeth’s words whispers into my ear “Think what would Daniel wants you to do with your life” those sentences kept repeating itself in my head. I sighed and looked up to gazed at the stars.
Seven long years, that how long I endured the pain accepting that Daniel has gone leaving his heart behind for me. I have been blaming everybody, even blaming fate for taking him away from me. I remembered, I have accused my own mother for not given her blessing, so I make the conclusion myself that God has punished us both “YOU DID THIS MA! YOU PRAYED EVERY NIGHT THAT WE WILL END UP LIKE THIS! YOU HAVE CAUSED MY GRIEVENESS!! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!” those are exact words that I said to mama after a month of Daniels death. I could not believe myself that I have said those sentences to her, due to the anger building up in me.
It took me this long to realize that there is no one to be blame, not fate and not even mama. Unkindness of reality more like it. He is gone and God loves him more. I laid back at my rocking chair and looked at the sparkled bracelet on my palm and said to myself “I think I know what Daniel would want me to do with my life,”. Closing my eyes, rocking myself to sleep and enjoy the silent of the night yet again.

A week went by and the day has come to leave for my next mission. Farra is totally disappointed with me for not being able to be around for her wedding. It is somewhat difficult to make her understand my situation and after a lot of persuasion and promises that been made by myself to her, reluctantly she let me go. Lisbeth volunteer herself to send me off at the airport. Once we reach at the airport, I get myself settled by checking in first and manage to discuss few matters with other volunteers before I went up to Lisbeth to talk to her who are standing nearby waiting for me. Slowly, walking to the place where she is standing, I stood in front of her, took out the charm bracelet, held her hand and clasp it around her wrist. Taken aback with my reactions, she asked with a frown on her forehead “Sophia? What is this?”.
“You know, I think I knew what Daniel would want me to do with my life,” making sure that I clasp it properly; I looked up and continued to speak.
“Gaza will be my last journey, Lis. I will return when everything is over. I am so sorry that I snapped at you last week about Daniel. You were right. I got to start somewhere. Hey….look, the bracelet is suitable for you! Don’t ever say I never gave you anything,” I grinned at Lisbeth ignoring her eyes which at verge of crying anytime soon.
“Sophia…” that is all she could muttered. I cut her off before she could say anything else.
“There is a story behind every charm. Like this one represent our first date at a seafood restaurant” I giggled when the memory hits me then I continued “this the first ring he gave me and this one..the first house key. These tiny bells obviously represent our wedding bells...and this one…” I paused when I hold the last charm dangling on Lisbeth wrist. It is a tiny replica of a baby shoe sparkled with red rubies. With a lot of effort, I continued to speak, “this of course represents my future with Daniel”. I gazed up and Lisbeth stared at me with her eyes wide open.
“I could not take this, Sophia” she whispers.
“I want you to have it and keep it as a remembrance. It may charm you to find a man someday whom will give the same endless affection towards you like how Daniel gave it to me” I said winking at her.
“But this is the most priceless gift that Daniel has given to you” she said choking her words.
“He already gave me his most priceless gift, dear friend, Every beat of his heart will remind me of him always,” I smiled at Lisbeth with my crooked smile while tapping my chest.
For the first time, Lisbeth is loss for words. She leaned forward and hug me tightly.
“You have a good heart, Sophia, remember that. Go and be a good Samaritan and come home safely,” she said and release me gently.
I laughed and suddenly a female voice can be heard through the speaker announcing that my flight will be departing soon.
I hugged Lisbeth one more time and says. “It is time for me to leave. I will come back when it is over, no need to say goodbye all right” Lisbeth nodded and wipe her tears. I released her gently, kissed both of her cheeks, shake our hands as how we always shake it, and grab my knapsack and turn to leave.
Getting nearer at the departure gate, I stop and turned to search for Lisbeth. There she is standing in the crowd waiting patiently to see me waving at her for the final farewell before I disappeared into the departure hall. I smiled and wave happily at Lisbeth and for the first time I feel relieve. Feeling relieved knowing that I will come back this time…soon I pray.