UNKINDNESS OF REALITY

“Dear ladies and gentleman’s, this is your Captain speaking. We will be expected to be arriving in Malaysia approximately at 8pm sharp. On behalf of our crew, we would like to say thank you for choosing MALAYSIA Airline, we hope you enjoy traveling with us and have pleasant stay in Malaysia. To our Malaysian out there, WELCOME HOME!!!!”
It is kind of blurry for me when the Captain make the announcement. I adjust my seat and look at my watch, twenty more minutes to go before we actually landed at my hometown, Malaysia.
I left Malaysia 5 years ago to join volunteer work under MERCY. I went everywhere, but one place that I seemed to be forgetting is my own home until recently I received an urgent message from my sister asking me to come back immediately. Suddenly, a women voice startled me on my left side seat. “So how long have you been away?” she asked grinning at me.
“Pardon me?” I asked frowning at her as I am very sure I have already answered that question more than ten times.
“I said….” Before she could say anything else, a voice came up from the speaker instructing all passengers to fasten their seatbelts and prepare for landing.
I look outside the window and saw the plane approaching the runaway. I buckle up my seat belt and straightened my chair. I have always had this syndrome of nervous breakdown whenever the plane is taking off or touchdown at the runaway. I will be sweating and my pulse will be racing as though I am running on a track for an Olympic games. Tapping my forefinger at the armrest, closing my eyes and at the same time reciting few verses from the Al-Quran to ease my panic attack. Ok..alright,don’t panic…don’t panic, everything will be fine…trying to ease myself of.
Suddenly, I feel someone tapping at my shoulder. Still refusing to open my eyes, out of no where, a gentle voice speak to me.
”Excuse me Miss, we have already landed. You can unbuckle your seatbelt and come down now,” said the flight attendant with a wide grin on her face. I turned around and realize the flight has already empty. Blushing and smiling shyly at the flight attendant, I rushed to the door quickly to exit myself.

Coming out at Arrival Hall, I notice Lisbeth my best friend, who is picking me up, is making faces with few kids who is making a lot of noise around her. She must be bored waiting for me as the flight was delayed. One of the boys, stick his tongue out to Lisbeth, and as always Lisbeth will refuse to act as an adult when we expect her to be, she too stuck her tongue out and told him to shut up. The boy gasped in shock and running off to his mum, crying and pointing his finger towards her. The mother glared at Lisbeth. She just shrugged her shoulder and rolled her eyes.
“How childish can you get? After all this years, you have not changed at all,” I said with a big smile on my face.
“Sophia!!!!! Welcome home!!! Oh gosh! I miss you so much!” Lisbeth is squealing in delight after seeing me. We hugged and cried at the same time. We realized it has been 5 years, since we last met.
“Ok..allright , let’s not get too emotional right now. Where’s your bag?”, said Lisbeth wiping tears from her eyes. She look around searching for my luggage. After a few seconds, she realizes that her best friend, has not changed one bit at all.
“Please don’t tell me, that’s all you bringing back?” she asked with a frown on her forehead. I nodded and show her my backpack and notebook.
“Geez Sophia, is that all? No souvenirs for your beloved adoring best friend?” she makes a pout face pretending to be upset. I laughed and hugged her more fiercely.
“Gosh..I miss you so much! What do you expect me to bring back for you? Boxes of bandages and medications? Hahahha..oh!come on now Lis, I promised I will get anything you want from here to compensate” I winked at her and laugh out loud.
“Promise? Anything? “ she asked hopefully.
“Yes, promise.. anything BUT excluding forcing me to go on a blind date set by you “ Lisbeth snorted at me and I laughed again.

“So, what does Farra want?” asked Lisbeth after we have settled ourselves in her car and driving through KL town after a quick drink at a mamak stall at the roadside.
“I have no idea, she send me ‘911’ message to me 2 days ago. So, here am I, back to hometown,” I answered while looking outside the window mesmerizing on how Kuala Lumpur has changed a lot.
“911? Our red alert code? Hmm..either she is in trouble or big problem is on the way. Hope she is not pregnant.” she said grinning to herself. I chuckled at that statement and glared at her. After 5 years, she has not change at all. She still the same adoring, funny and irritating friend that I met 15 years ago.
“Are you still doing event management for Istana Budaya?” I asked her curiously. The last email I received from her was 6 months ago where she was brooding and mourning herself for some guy who don’t seem to be appreciating her at all. But of course, knowing Lisbeth, she would have found someone else by now.
“Yes, I am still with Istana Budaya. A lot project lately. One of it is “Puteri Gunung Ledang III. Do you still have the DVD that I send it to you?, now they are on theater, they have shown it twice and now they doing the third but of course M.Nasir will not be acting as Hang Tuah, to macho for him I guess,” Lisbeth explained enthusiastically without a paused. I smiled and looked out the window again.
“So many things has changed,” I said admiring the tall building along Jalan Bukit Bintang.
“That my friend, we called THE PAVILION, one of the biggest shopping mall here in KL. You can’t expect that Malaysia will look the same like how you left it 5 years ago aren’t you?,” she said as matter factly. I just shrugged my shoulders and continue to admire the cities light and night scenery. It is so breathtaking beautiful. I guess I do miss this place so much.
“How long are you going to be around this time?” Lisbeth asked eyeing me at the corner of her eye and still concentrating her driving on the road.
“Depends how big Farra problem will be” I answered quietly. What could possibly the biggest problem that Farra could not solve it until the need in asking me to come back. Is Mama giving her hard time? Hmm…mama…my mother. The main reason that I was avoiding to come back all this years. Brushing off that thought, I continue to admire the lights.

“Heard about the Palestines..” suddenly Lisbeth break the silence in the car.
“H’mm…I heard Malaysia is helping how much they can. Collecting donations and all. MERCY has been getting a lot of clothes and food supply from everywhere but money plays a major role in here, they need to build their country all over again. The war has destroyed many buildings there. I could not imagine how cruel human being can get. Killing innocent children’s especially,” I realized my tone of voice has changed. There is a croak at my throat when I speak.
“You are so you…very passionate about this whole thing. You love children, helping the needy but as for me, even if a cat whining at me asking for food, I couldn’t be bothered” Lisbeth said shrugging her shoulders.
“We do have opposite character Lis, which is why we became best friend. I don’t think you could stand me being you,” I said grinning at her. Lisbeth stick her tongue at me, I just shake my head wondering when this girl will will ever grow up.
“Hey…out of curiosity, are you going? I mean are you leaving to Gaza soon?” she asked with a tone hoping that I will not be going.
“Yes…maybe…they need me,” I answered slowly. I felt that I minced my words but I know Lisbeth understand. Both of us went silent for a while.
“Sophie…he has been gone for 7 years, you know. Do not hold it back too much,” said Lisbeth with a concern tone.
I turned to her and sighed. “I know Lis….I know…” I muttered like a whisper. Lisbeth went very quiet but I knew she could hear my reply.

After one hour driving around Kuala Lumpur city, finally Lisbeth reach the front gate of my house.
“Hey…do you hear that?” asked Lisbeth when both of us getting out from her car. I looked up and from far ahead I heard voices shouting and screaming at each other. I nodded at Lisbeth and sighed heavily.
“Do you need me around you?” asked Lisbeth with a concern look. I shake my head and gave her a tight hug and said, “That must be mama and Farra arguing. No big deal. If they carry on fighting like that, I just get myself flight ticket tonight and leave again,” I said jokingly and grinning at Lisbeth. She make a chuckled noise, hugged me one more time, promised to meet me for lunch tomorrow and droved away.
Ok….come on Sophia…you can do it. Get moving! It took me awhile to get into that big house. I feel as though my feet are stuck on the driveway. How alienated it felt looking these four walls in front of me. This house supposedly been called as MY HOME. Home...how strange that words sound. I took a deep breath and marched into the front door.

”BUT MA!!!! I WANT TO MARRY HIM!!!! Farrar voice could be heard from across the street.
“Don’t you dare go against me, young lady!” and of course my mother voice is louder than Farra, which I think, could be heard across the country. I was tiptoeing at the front door listening to their arguments.
“Why can’t you just accept the fact that your younger daughter fell in love with non malay guy? WHY? Why does it you have to make everything damn difficult?” I could hear Farra is sobbing through her words.. So, this is it. This is the problem that Farra wants me to come back. The war between my mother with her. The need of me around to defend her. To defend her of her forbidden love that my mother against so much from before. I am contemplating whether I should enter the house now. Not when the water is boiling on the stove but standing outside here freezing, it is not such a good idea for me either. I got up from the place I was crouching, inhaled and exhaled deeply, holding the doorknob and opened the door, which I called as the door to hell.

“Hello?” I called out in a very tiny voice. Both my mother and Farra turned at my direction. Farra squealed loudly and came across the room to hug me. After a long warm hug, I pushed her away lightly to have a good look at her face. She still has the same smile and chubby face. My little sister whom I abandoned 5 years ago to be on her own without an elder sister to guide her.
“ I am glad you came back and I miss you so much” she said and hugged me again. While hugging, I looked across the room and saw my mother standing there speechless. I break free from Farra and went up to my mother. She just stands there emotionless. All of my life, I could never understood her expression. No smile or laughter to relate whether she was happy or unhappy, not even a sign wanting to hug. Standing in front of her now, staring at each other in silent.
“Mama…how are you?” I asked and at the same time take her hand to kiss it.
“So…you are back to defend your sister huh?” she asked without a blink. I looked up and gave her a tight smile.
“Not even 10 minutes, I step into this house and you already badgering me?” I said crossly.
“And within 10 minutes, you already given that tone towards your mother” she answered vainly. I sighed deeply and moved away from her.
“I came back because Farra needs me. I do not know what the problem was till just now I overheard the conversation” I said and winked at Farra. She grinned happily at me.
“Both of you always get on my nerves! I would not let you talk to me into this, Sophie! No matter what are your terms, I would not agree to it!” she said and hastily walking up the staircase towards her room.
“You already lost one daughter before; do you need to lose another to realize what your mistake was?” I asked indirectly shouting at her. She stopped abruptly at the staircase and turned at my direction. I am waiting for a slap or worse, more shouting and screaming but instead I saw not hatred or anger but hurt and painful expression across her face. I realized at that time I was going overboard with that statement.
“Ma…I didn’t mean too…didn’t mean to say that way,” I felt a tremor in my voice. She held up her hand to stop me from continuing my sentences. Trying to compose herself, she closed her eyes and said, “We’ll talk in the morning, get some rest, you had a long day. Farra, get the bed ready for your sister”, after instructing Farra, she walked up the staircase again. I tried to call her back and apologized but somehow or rather, my voice does not come out.

Next morning, when I am awake, the smell of ‘nasi lemak’ and hot brewed coffee was too overwhelming until it went into my nostrils. Damn, there goes my diet. I don’t think I can resist Mak Jah’s cooking. She was and has been the greatest cook that I ever met. I quickly got up and brushed my teeth. Not bothering to take a shower, I went downstairs and saw Mak Jah setting the table for breakfast. It took her awhile to realize that somebody is peeking at her, she looked up and gasped.
“OH MY!!!! Sophia…my dearest. You’re home!” she screamed and open her arms waiting for me to embrace her. I ran to her and quickly kiss both her hands before proceed to hug her tightly.
“I miss you Mak Jah…I can smell your ‘nasi lemak’ even in my sleep,” I said grinning widely at her.
“I miss you too dearest…when did you arrive?” she asked looking at me affectionately, her hands is caressing my face as though there is too many wrinkle lines that need to be wash off. Her eyes are beaming when she looked at me. Before I could answer, a familiar voice came from the front door.
“Don’t get too excited Mak Jah, she might leave again …soon”. Of course, who else if not my wicked queen mother. Mak Jah quickly breaks away from me and pull the chair for her. I shake my head and said, “Good morning Mama…coffee for you I assumed?” I went around the table to pour a cup of coffee for her.
“Hmm…thank you” she replied without looking at me. Ignoring everyone as usual, she grabs her newspaper and start to read. I turned to look at Mak Jah, she smiled and continue doing her chores. Speechless with my mother’s attitude, I pour myself some coffee too and start to eat the ‘nasi lemak’.
It has been such a long time since the last time I eat home cook food, especially Mak Jah’s cooking. I am enjoying the food so much until I do not realize that my mother is staring at me.
“Ma…you are the one who told me, it is rude to stare at people,” I said with my mouth full.
“Don’t they feed you enough? You look as though you can swallow a cow! Eat slowly, the food won’t go anywhere” my mother said sternly and continue reading. I snorted and ignored her sarcasm. After 15 minutes, I could no longer hide the feeling of irritation due to silence mode between my mother and me.
I swallowed and start to speak. “Hmm...guess what? This daughter of yours has not been back…let me see. Five long years. right? I will be grateful if you could update me of what has been happening lately,” I raised my two eyebrows at her repeatedly. Shrugging her shoulders, still not looking at me she replied nonchalantly “ What is there to tell? I know what you have been doing all this time, so what’s new? Nothing interesting about me either”.
Taking a deep breath I said, “Ma…you know, sooner or later, we need to discuss about Farra” I sipped my coffee and continue eating. My mother put down her paper and turned to look at me. Ha! that had gotten her attention.
“So…you are back to defend her then. You very well know I won’t budge from my decision Sophia” she answered sternly. I sipped my coffee calmly and cleared my throat.
“Mama…. I did not come back to argue with you if that is what you think. I came back because Farra needs me. She has no one else turn too. Just give them the blessing Ma. What is so bad about that?” Honestly, I do hope after what happened few years ago, she will change or at least her heart is bit softened. My heart is thumping loudly waiting for her reply. Only my mother could give me the effect of feeling scared towards someone.
She lay back at her chair and took a deep breath, gazing at me, “You very well know why”, she answered softly then she stares into space. I exhaled, at least she does not shout at me.
“Ma, listen and please do not misunderstand of what I am going to say here. I am not taking sides but not all-Caucasian men are like papa. Do not compare them with my ungrateful father. I do admit that papa was a jerk and he treats you bad but do not stop another daughter of yours to achieve her happiness” I said without a paused. Trying to reach out for her hand but she ignores my gestures. Hurt by her reaction, I lower my hand again.
“What if Farra doesn’t get the happiness that she deserves?” she asked staring at me. I looked up, pushing my plate away from me and playing with time to find the right word before answering.
“Then let her face it. That is the reality that she needs to face. She needs to know, love is not a fantasy that everybody always imagine. You need to let her go through with it. Do not shield her from making mistakes. She is not your little girl anymore and neither do I,” I said with one breath.
“Both of you will always be my little girls and I will always be your mother” she replied getting up to leave the table. I sighed and shake my head.
Looking at her getting up to leave the table, I cannot help to feel disappointed with my mother who keeps running away from reality. I pressed my forehead to think in what other ways I would be able to put some sense in my mother stubborn head. Suddenly, I saw her stopped walking and I heard a sniff.
“By the way Sophia, I have wanted to say this to you. I am deeply sorry for what happened 7 years ago. I should have given you my blessing at that time,” she said without turning her back and start walking away again. I was too dumbfounded to say anything. I want to get up and embrace her but my body refuses to move any muscle. I just sit there and watch her leaves.

I am in my room reading when I heard Farra screaming her heads off happily. She burst into my room without knocking and ran across the room to hug me.
“Thank you! Thank you! I owe you big time!” she said squealing with laughter.
“Ok…what have I done?” I asked her releasing myself from her and frowned.
“Mama has agreed to let me marry William. She has given her green light. I knew it! I knew she will listen to you. Thank you…I owe you big time, sis! All right, there so much to do and plan now. I have to call all my friends, allright, where do I start? Oh by the way, Lisbeth is here. I saw her downstairs,” she said in one breath and ran out from my room hastily.

I shake my head and laugh. So, at last the heart of my ice queen mother has melted. I smiled to myself and realize that Lisbeth is leaning at my door.

“Hey there! You just in time for the good news!” I said grinning broadly.
“Hmph…Farra already doing jumping jet in front of me,” Lisbeth replied rolling her eyes and lie down beside me on the bed.
“Don’t be surprise she will bug us with the wedding preparation. Damn…that will be very irritating,” I said with a tone of exasperation.
“So, you will be here that long?” she asked suddenly sitting up facing me. It took me a while to reply her question.
“Well, I told you that I will be here till Farra problem is solve, now mission accomplished, yet another mission to attend to,” I said winking at her knowing she already knew the answer.

She sighed, got up from my bed and walks up to my balcony. I am quite puzzled with Lisbeth’s mood swing tonight. She does not seem to be herself right now.

“Lis? What is up? Is there anything wrong?” I asked with a puzzled expression. I saw her took a deep breath and came to sit beside me again.
“I came to give you this”, she said quietly. I saw her taking out a small box from her velvet clutch beg and held it to me.
“Awww…Lis, are you proposing to me too?” I asked jokingly. No expression on her face, instead she gestures towards the box. I frown looking at her behaving oddly.
“Go ahead, open it and you know” she said instructing me without looking at my face.
Still puzzled with her character, slowly I untie the ribbons from the small box and open it. In the box, laid the most spectacular charm bracelet that I recognize it at once. I gasped and froze. It was the bracelet that Daniel promised to give it to me for our 1st wedding anniversary.
“Where. Do. You .Get. This?” I asked in a very low voice looking at her.
She crouch her shoulders contemplating whether she should answer my question, and after few seconds, she replied.
“Daniel passed it to me the day you both met with the accident. Daniel wanted to make it as though he forgotten your anniversary and he asked me to hide it in your handbag, then…”she closed her eyes before she continue with her sentences. “ I wanted to give you after the surgery but you…you were very fragile at that time and I was afraid that you will get terribly hurt if I have given it to you. Then you left, never came back within these five years so now…I thought…” I could feel a tremor in her voice. She is controlling her emotions trying not to cry.

My whole body trembled when I held the bracelet in my palm. I feel my heart is thumping loudly as though it could explode anytime and every beat of the heart is excruciating painful for me to bear. How I hate it when the past is haunting me again.

“Sophia? I am so sorry if I have caused you any pain,” Lisbeth said with a nervous tone.
I shake my head and held her hand assuring that I am fine.
It takes me at least 15 minutes to stabilize myself. Lisbeth and I get up and sit at the balcony to get some fresh air. When Lisbeth notice that I have already calm down, she starts to speak. “You need to stop blaming fate for what happen, Sophia,” I ignored the statement that Lisbeth just make.
Not waiting for me to reply, Lisbeth continued “It has been seven years that he has gone, you need to let it go and move on,” Lisbeth still eyeing at me whether I am upset with her statement.
“How can I possibly let it go, Lis? He was my soul mate,” I said looking at her.
“Sophia, he is with you always. He left his heart with you trusting that you will take care of yourself, not wasting it by going off to a battlefield in attempting suicide,” I could sense there is an anger tone in her voice.

“What did you just say? He left his heart for me huh? Me going off to help people is like attempting suicide is it? Do you know how difficult it was for me all this time to accept that my new heart was once upon a time belonged to Daniel? Which sane person could accept that you are still living because the husband is listed as a organ donor and wow…his own wife got his heart. Do you know how hard it was for me to go on living where as he is not here LIVING RIGHT HERE,RIGHT NOW WITH ME NOW? You know what Lis, I don’t think you know,” I said half shouting at Lisbeth.
I cover my face with my right hand and close my eyes. How can I let it go? It hurts me greatly every time I thought that I am losing the vivid imagination of his face day after day. I am so scared that I will forget that he ever existed. I still remember as though it was only yesterday that I was lying on hospital bed with tubes and wires tied up on me. How I still remember I was screaming in pain after discovering the truth that Daniel has gone. Of course, I do remember clearly, the pain was unbearable.

Suddenly I felt Lisbeth warm hand touches my arm.
“Forgive me for hurting you, Sophia. I did not mean to hurt you at all. It is just …it has been too long and I feel as though you are stuck and not moving on at all,” Lisbeth said with a low voice.
“I am not stuck Lis, just need time to heal that’s all” I muttered. Lisbeth nodded and sighed.
“Understood. Everybody does, who doesn’t. You know you may take 10 years or more to recuperate but life goes on. Sophia, think what Daniel would want you to do with your life. I know it is hard but you need to start somewhere” she said while gazing at her watch. She fidgeted anxiously and continue to speak “Just think about it allright? Look, I want to stay longer but I have to go and pick my mum up at KLCC Convention Centre. I see you tomorrow okay? You take care friend,” she gives me a hug, stared at my face for a while, get up and leaves. I nodded and watch her leave my room without a word.


It is already past midnight. The silence of the night comforts me. Only the sounds of cricket making noise as if gossiping with each other behind my back. Lisbeth’s words whispers into my ear “Think what would Daniel wants you to do with your life” those sentences kept repeating itself in my head. I sighed and looked up to gazed at the stars.
Seven long years, that how long I endured the pain accepting that Daniel has gone leaving his heart behind for me. I have been blaming everybody, even blaming fate for taking him away from me. I remembered, I have accused my own mother for not given her blessing, so I make the conclusion myself that God has punished us both “YOU DID THIS MA! YOU PRAYED EVERY NIGHT THAT WE WILL END UP LIKE THIS! YOU HAVE CAUSED MY GRIEVENESS!! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!” those are exact words that I said to mama after a month of Daniels death. I could not believe myself that I have said those sentences to her, due to the anger building up in me.
It took me this long to realize that there is no one to be blame, not fate and not even mama. Unkindness of reality more like it. He is gone and God loves him more. I laid back at my rocking chair and looked at the sparkled bracelet on my palm and said to myself “I think I know what Daniel would want me to do with my life,”. Closing my eyes, rocking myself to sleep and enjoy the silent of the night yet again.

A week went by and the day has come to leave for my next mission. Farra is totally disappointed with me for not being able to be around for her wedding. It is somewhat difficult to make her understand my situation and after a lot of persuasion and promises that been made by myself to her, reluctantly she let me go. Lisbeth volunteer herself to send me off at the airport. Once we reach at the airport, I get myself settled by checking in first and manage to discuss few matters with other volunteers before I went up to Lisbeth to talk to her who are standing nearby waiting for me. Slowly, walking to the place where she is standing, I stood in front of her, took out the charm bracelet, held her hand and clasp it around her wrist. Taken aback with my reactions, she asked with a frown on her forehead “Sophia? What is this?”.
“You know, I think I knew what Daniel would want me to do with my life,” making sure that I clasp it properly; I looked up and continued to speak.
“Gaza will be my last journey, Lis. I will return when everything is over. I am so sorry that I snapped at you last week about Daniel. You were right. I got to start somewhere. Hey….look, the bracelet is suitable for you! Don’t ever say I never gave you anything,” I grinned at Lisbeth ignoring her eyes which at verge of crying anytime soon.
“Sophia…” that is all she could muttered. I cut her off before she could say anything else.
“There is a story behind every charm. Like this one represent our first date at a seafood restaurant” I giggled when the memory hits me then I continued “this the first ring he gave me and this one..the first house key. These tiny bells obviously represent our wedding bells...and this one…” I paused when I hold the last charm dangling on Lisbeth wrist. It is a tiny replica of a baby shoe sparkled with red rubies. With a lot of effort, I continued to speak, “this of course represents my future with Daniel”. I gazed up and Lisbeth stared at me with her eyes wide open.
“I could not take this, Sophia” she whispers.
“I want you to have it and keep it as a remembrance. It may charm you to find a man someday whom will give the same endless affection towards you like how Daniel gave it to me” I said winking at her.
“But this is the most priceless gift that Daniel has given to you” she said choking her words.
“He already gave me his most priceless gift, dear friend, Every beat of his heart will remind me of him always,” I smiled at Lisbeth with my crooked smile while tapping my chest.
For the first time, Lisbeth is loss for words. She leaned forward and hug me tightly.
“You have a good heart, Sophia, remember that. Go and be a good Samaritan and come home safely,” she said and release me gently.
I laughed and suddenly a female voice can be heard through the speaker announcing that my flight will be departing soon.
I hugged Lisbeth one more time and says. “It is time for me to leave. I will come back when it is over, no need to say goodbye all right” Lisbeth nodded and wipe her tears. I released her gently, kissed both of her cheeks, shake our hands as how we always shake it, and grab my knapsack and turn to leave.
Getting nearer at the departure gate, I stop and turned to search for Lisbeth. There she is standing in the crowd waiting patiently to see me waving at her for the final farewell before I disappeared into the departure hall. I smiled and wave happily at Lisbeth and for the first time I feel relieve. Feeling relieved knowing that I will come back this time…soon I pray.