Muhasabah Cinta

Wahai pemilik nyawaku
Betapa lemah diriku ini
Berat ujian dari-Mu
Ku pasrahkan semua pada-Mu

Tuhan baru ku sadar
Indah nikmat sehat itu
Tak pandai aku bersyukur
Kini ku harapkan cinta-Mu


Kata-kata cinta terucap indah
Mengalun berzikir di kidung doaku
Sakit yang ku rasa biar jadi penawar dosaku
Butir-butir cinta air mataku
Teringat semua yang Kau beri untukku
Ampuni khilaf dan salah selama ini
Ya Illahi muhasabah cintaku

Tuhan kuatkan aku
Lindungiku dari putus asa
Jika ku harus mati
Pertemukan aku dengan-Mu

Feeling betrayed is the worst feeling ever...

I have no words to describe what and how exactly I felt at this moment. Angry? No. Upset?Also no. Stupid?Definitely no. I guess what I am feeling right now is emptiness. I felt a hollow cut cross into my heart. Is like something is missing. Yes,something did missed from my heart...TRUST and COMPASSION. I do not have any compassion towards anybody anymore now. All I am feeling now is numb..totally numbness.

A few weeks ago,a certain guy whom I adore begged me for my help.Mixed up with the feeling that I had for him and also the feeling of sympathizing with him has caused me the greatest grief ever. A wrong step that I took which I did not say I regretted it but it has woken me up after so many years of trusting people that it is somehow difficult for a 'leapord to change his spots'. This I can't help it to agree with the phrase. I did help on a ground that trusting he will not backed off from his promise. That he will no matter in what situation will always be there for me. My thoughts was wrong. He went disappeared right after I gave him my helping hand.

I can never know if the hollowness in my heart will ever be refilled again. I do not know whether I am able to trust others. I do not know whether what will become of me if I stopped helping people. I do not know but what I do know...He has hurt me greatly beyond imaginable that I can't bring myself to forgive him.

Islam doesn;t teaches you to hate...Islam also does not teach you to punish other..Islam too teaches us to forgive and forget but I can't. Not now...the pain is too excruciatingly painful for me to bear and forgive easily. Maybe 1 day..I will forgive him...

A friend told me this..Let it go coz Allah knows more what is happening..HE sees,listen and understand perfectly well. I am letting it go..and I did halalkan everything that I gave him..just give me sometime..

Time will heal the wound someday...insyallah.

2010

Today is the 5th day of 2010 and yet I do not feel anything...there is no excitement or anticipating of anything towards the year of 2010. Most of my friends make the resolution of wanting to lose weight,some of them wants to buy a house or a car,some of them even targeting to get married but as for me those kind of resolutions is no longer in my list. My new list will be Umrah,Haji and to adopt a child.
Yes,I would want to adopt a child. I am not saying I have already given up to find a life partner,is just I am tired of waiting. Maybe I am destined not to ever get married, maybe. So I have decided to adopt a child soon when I am more stable,insyallah. The feeling of wanting to adopt became stronger when I saw Maryam's newborn baby girl,Qalifah Soraya a week ago. I soon became so attached towards baby Soraya that I missed her everyday. Missing of holding and kissing her. The mother instinct is too strong for me that I actually decided to accept Maryam's offer to be her daughter's godmother. That was my best gift ever for the year 2010.

My dear beloved goddaughter,Qalifah Soraya, I pray for you always that you will be a devoted Muslimah towards ALLAH and be a good daughter towards your parents. May you will be blessed with love and care. I will always love you my dear lit' one...